Fail safe way of getting a lying child to own up?

[FourFortyFour]

I can still get the truth out of my youngest but the oldest two are more tricky and it doesn't help when they change their stories especially when sent away to think about things until the liar owns up.

Once they get past the 'stick your tongue out so I can see if you are lying' stage, I am at a loss TBH

Is it so important that they own up?

Of course it is Bloo .

But why? Why are you putting the dc on the spot? Maybe a less crime-and-punishment regime would be better for everyone.

I've never worked out the answer to this. Two of my DCs are impressively good at lying and have willpower as well. I'm quite envious - I crumple under the slightest pressure.

I don't think FFF is portraying her house as some sort of Stalinist repressive regime :o.

Completely fair enough to try to get a child to own up if you suspect or know they're lying. Otherwise - what are you teaching them? Do something wrong, lie through your teeth, all is right with the world? You can do what you want as long as you never own up?

Bll, wtf? Where do you get such a ridiculous idea from? .

My child has lied, it is not acceptable, I am not wrong to deal with them to make the tell the truth and learn that lying is not acceptable.

sorry should be get in to trouble

I tell them that but is goes in one ear....

Maybe punish them unless one of the owns up? Go old school, along the lines of "no one goes out to play until someone tells me who wrote knob on the blackboard". So, no playing outside for the rest of the week for example - and follow it through!

At school I sometimes try to give them a way out (it's hard to admit it's your fault) by saying, "Was it an accident?" But I guess it depends on the incident which provoked the lie in the first place.
I also do the "I'm so dissapointed" routine and express my hope that during the course of the morning / afternoon someone will come and tell me the truth.
tbh it doesn't always work
some children are excellent at lying, some cave - but it helps to let them save face sometimes... just an idea

None of this has ever worked with mine. And definitely not the one about how I won't be angry if they'll only tell me truth. Sometimes they will own up 5 years later though. Good things come to those who can wait

Seriously, I have sometimes found I have done more harm with pressing them to tell the truth; they just used to get more and more hung up about it. And you don't necessarily find out afterwards who told the truth: there are misdemeanours in this house that are still a closed book to me 8 years later; for all the good I did I could have saved myself those endless rants.

But my children have not grown up particularly difficult or deceitful.

I think it's about the individual child.

"But my children have not grown up particularly difficult or deceitful."

This has helped, thank you.

My issue is I lied a lot as a child and it was because if I told the truth some of what I had done I would get beaten.

I know that doesn't add up with my child's situation but maybe it is me going too far the other way. This parenting lark isn't easy. Not sure I am ready yet .

sorry to hear about your childhood experience FFF :(

My point earlier wasn't supposed to upset you. I think some people never own up to anything; others will just confess to get out (see our legal system...)
If your dc are between 6 and about 10, read Chicken School with them (or we got the audio book from the library). Perfect example of the above, and the teacher couldn't punish teh one who confessed as they were so obviously innocent!

Agree with Cory that it's about the individual, and that my dc aren't difficult or deceitful. They own up readily to accidental damage, for example, and we move on.

But like you, I was punished severely as a child, and found it really difficult (impossible)to own up to anything. Even now as an adult I find it really difficult to say 'sorry, I was wrong'. But I did own up to cutting a blanket by mistake while leaning on it to cut paper with scissors. I owned up about 35 years later, much to my siblings amazement and amusement.

I think my background means I have a more tolerant attitude to mistakes/ accidents and general wrong-doing, as long as we can learn something from it.

chicken school, by Jeremy strong.

Thank you, I am buying a lot of books at the moment .

I have no difficulty apologising. I have difficultly getting my children to see that they get into more trouble when lying and it is the lying that upsets us more.

I shall get that book too. Dss was fantastic at lying - shockingly so. Now dd does it but I have learned not to press too hard. She often tells me the truth later if I leave it.

We have a CCTV camera in the shops near me. DS thinks everything is recorded (I didn't tell him that btw) so if I know he's lying I just tell him thankyou for telling me the truth I'll look at the film later and watch you being good. He soon owns up.

Then I thank him for telling the truth and tell him if he did it at the beginning I'd be even prouder. I never punish if he's told the truth however much I want to. Although I will have a 'chat' with him about the behaviour.

I think at 6yo its more important he learns to tell the truth.

Sometimes when things have been broken and he's not owned up, and he then asks for similar item again. I usually say 'No, I don't know how x hot broken before, and I don't want it to happen again'. He'll own up (usually an accident) and we'll talk about how to play nicely/safely next time.