Controlling 3 yr old

[Kazella]

Help! My son is still throwing major temper tantrums 2 or 3 times a day. He has to control everything and goes into a major tantrum if he doesn't get his own way. It's just taken 2.5 hours to get him to bed (now 9pm and I'm starting dinner!) The only way he will calm down is to put him in his room with the light off which he hates. After 5 mins or so he calms down enough to let you put his PJs on etc. 5 mins later he kicks off with a new issue. He won't have a bath any more so we bathe him once a week, physically having to hold him in there long enough to get his hair washed. I now struggle to get his car seat done up if he doesn't want to go to nursery since he's grown so strong. The other morning there was a 20 minute screaming battle from him on the drive - regularly late for work. I've also been 30 mins in the nursery car park battling to strap him in to go home until I got some help.
He's sucking all the joy out of life - it's been a constant battle for months with no sign of an end to it.
Any suggestions?

This sounds hellish. I'm so sorry.

One of my children - also three - has temper tantrums when she is over tired. So with her I just have to try and organise the day, pace it, so that she gets as much rest time as possible. ITt's a bit easier for me as I don't have to go to work and we don't need to get to nursery on time - so I don't have the same time pressure (when I do it is INFURIATING and exacerbates everything). She still has them though - her new trick is to shout MUMMY YOU'RE HURTING ME (when I, say, try and restrain her to stop her from running into the road). That definitely gets the front doors opening. Her last tantrum - on the street at night - I had to stay very calm and in control and talk her down.

THe other one recently started tantrumming - i think copying her twin sister. THe most epic one last week involved her stripping off to her tights at night in the middle of the pavement in the rain and screaming for half an hour. I even had a 'helpful' passer by shout GET SOME CLOTHES ON THAT CHILD. I finally did what I never do - I said I'd punish her if she continued by not taking her to the puppet show the following day - and then followed it through. This was a week ago. She has been angelic ever since. I tried this again on her sister tonight (she was balking from going to bed). I just calmly said, if you don't stop I won't be able to take you to so and sos party next week. SO please do stop. And let me tuck you in. Amazingly, she stopped.

My best friend said I had to remember that I was in control, that I'm the grown up, and that I shouldn't loose my temper (It's true that this is never helpful). But yours sounds like a long standing problem, and really horrible. Are there any parenting style courses in your area you could go on - just talking about it with someone else might help give you distance.

Anyway, it will pass... And int he meantime, I sympathise.

(PS my childrens tantrums have definitely decreased over the course of the year - they are nearing four now. Also, does he do it at nursery? If not, it's more about your relationship with him than something inherent in him (and you will know then that he can control it under different circumstances, which might be helpful. Infuriating, but helpful).

yikes. i know - what do you do when you can't physically move them?

how about these that weirdly seem to work for my 2.5 yr old

1. try and get a toy to ask him to do it using a funny voice
2. ask while pretending to be a policeman
3. threaten tickles (I know - a bit lame but it's all about trying to get him to laugh for me before saying - no i'm serious. you're doing it)
4. try and walk away from it for 3 minutes to see if that helps - if he thinks he's got his own way even temporarily maybe he will co operate after a break from the escalating argument.
5. car seat - try and say you've got something interesting for him to play with if he gets in nicely. once he's in just choose anything but make a really big deal out of it. (have a supply of car toys)
6. bedtimes - nightmare. how DO you handle that? star chart? lots and lots of cuddles until calm? Try a star chart - they always seem so naff and could never work but it's amazing how well they work for my little guy. and also it will start the day off on a positive note if you ever get a good bedtime grab the opportunity and make the star chart THAT NIGHT so you can make a big deal of how fabulous he was the night before at breakfast the next morning. hopefully will have a knock on effect throughout the day too.
7. TALK to him - he's old enough to understand - and he will quickly sense you're at the end of it with him and will probably act up more if not reassured you still like him!

It's tough when you get to this point - I read somewhere you can't win a battle with a 2 / 3 year old so don't even try. How does that help get things that need to be done done?
Just distract and reassure and bribe where necessary.
My mum is into the idea that 'he should do what he's told' of course he should but until they're a little bit older and can understand non immediate consequences i don't see how to make it work other than playing games and bribery.

No doubt this advice is all wrong but if you're like me you will try anything at some point!

good luck. every time i read on here something like this someone reminds the poster that it's just a phase and will pass. even if you're exhausted at the end of it :)

i'm reading 'Happiest toddler on the block' which includes loads of suggestions as well as the 'why' behind toddler tantrums. Highly recommended as very readable and dip in and out-able :)

I just read your response kattyo and it's excellent advice.

i have found my 2yr olds behaviour improves if we do more stuff with her in the day out of the house, like go to toddler group? something which has a set beginning and end so she knows it is time to go, so not the park coz that just creates more issues.

oh and also, I do say - although to be honest I don't think they hear when they're in the middle of it - I understand why you're upset/I can see it hurts/I know you're sad... but...

It's to do with validating their feelings.

So I say to twin one: I know you're tired. I can see you feel awful. I think you really want a cuddle. But I can't put up with this behaviour. And we are going to have to go home and go to bed. And then, I love you very much, even when you are having a tantrum, but I'm not going to put up with this and if you continue then I will xxxx (whatever it is). Sometimes I slowly count them into it (if you haven't stopped by ten, for example).

BTW when you put your foot down MAKE SURE YOU CAN CARRY IT THROUGH. ANd that youw ant to carry it through. I threatened not taking them to the theatre next week, and then regretted it because I want to go! And we're meeting friends I want to see afterwards!

best of luck.
Updates please.
k

Bribery also helps in extreme situations.
Mine will do a lot for chocolate.
Not recommended as a long term strategy (gets expensive, for one thing).

Just be firm and make sure you follow through. If you say you have had enough and put him to bed crying, then so be it. Leave him there until he is asleep. No problem if he sleeps without PJ's for once.

Oh and always say "baby I love you, but you need to calm down/sleep" or whatever

Let him scream himself to sleep last night. Took him till 9.30pm ish. Checked on him as we went to bed and he was asleep on his bed so just turned his light out and tucked him in. He woke about 5am when he came in our room for a cuddle.
Screaming in his room again tonight because he won't go to bed. Started about 30 mns ago will see if he manages to stop any quicker!
Not the most relaxing evening listening to it all but we'll see how many nights it takes him to realise he's not getting stories, bedtime milk, cuddles etc when he acts up!

I also find a bit of a countdown helps eg.

'DD, in 5 minutes I'm going to come and put your clothes on'

'DD, in a minute I'm coming to put your clothes on'

'Right, I'm coming to put your clothes on now'

Doesnt always but sometimes helps. I find if I suddenly demand something of her its a definite NO. Anything that helps her feel its her choice not mine really!