DS (3.6) said 'I don't love you' - help!

[FossilMum]

So at what age is it common for a DC to first say 'I love you'? I've spent the past 3.6+ yrs hoping to hear this one day, then today in the middle of a pleasant craft session, for some reason that I no longer remember, I said 'I love you' and he replied 'I don't love you'. I was completely gutted.

I know he's only 3, he doesn't really know what it means to me, kids say these things in the heat of the moment (except it wasn't), etc. But please cheer me up. Or tell me gently that this really is unusual. Or whatever. I feel rubbish.

It is perfectly normal and you'd better get used to it because he'll say it through lack of understanding now but may well say it in anger later on.

It doesn't mean a thing to him. He feels perfectly secure in the knowledge that you have an unshakeable bond and it wouldn't occur to him that his words may hurt you.

He could have a million reasons for saying it from not wanting to be interrupted for a moment to rying it out to see what happened.

Don't take it to heart. It's meaningless.

My DD2 who is 7 has an autistic spectrum disorder and doesn't see the point in saying I love you. I know she loves me and I love her. That's all that matters.

Thank you for answering, Al1son. I guess he was just trying it out. He looked like he felt a bit daring as he said it. Doesn't help I have PMS right now! Two of his cousins (lovely kids!) have recently been diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorders and I've been worrying about the possibility of this affecting him too, esp given his excessive shyness with other children.

Don't worry! Lots of children say things like this. Doesn't mean a thing.

Utterly meaningless!
Just say mildly, 'well I love you' or 'never mind, I have enough love for two' and pass on.
It is a stage. It goes with things like 'you are not my friend, I only like Daddy' and is quite frightening to them if you treat it seriously!

I can understand why you're so worried now but if being shy with other children is the only problem your concerned about he'll be fine.

Lots of my extended family have minor symptoms that I can also see in my girls but they all manage perfectly well. The difference is that the symptoms my girls have are numerous and severe enough to stop them being able to lead normal lives.

I know you'll always be vigilant but try to focus on whether things you see are going to stop your DS from leading a 'normal' happy life, accessing his education and learning to be independent. If they won't he'll be fine.

Snap with the PMS! Being at hospital with DD2 until early hours of this morning hasn't helped. DH took the brunt of it when he got in from work tonight poor thing.

Thank you all 3 for trying to give me perspective. Bad day yesterday. Today was fine.

Al1son, also a bit worried about him covering ears when meeting new people or hearing loud noises, but this comes and goes, so trying not to worry too much (but not always succeeding!). Sorry to hear about trip to hospital; hope all OK now.

My DD (just turned 4) loves doing this sort of thing - she does it in an obvious 'testing out' way - she will say 'do you love me?', and I say 'yes', then she says 'Well I hate you, do you still love me?' and I say 'yes' this will typically be repeated until she gets bored. She always seems amused by it

OOOh, I get a lot of that at the moment - dd is 4. Tis a phase. Gutting, but a phase.

Much more hurtful is "no shouting today mummy......" Taking every day as it comes with that one.

DS3 says that EVERY time I tell him I love him

"well I don't love you"

do you like me then

"no I don't like you either"

tis a phase - he'll grow out of it

Doesn't mean a thing.

DD spends a lot of time saying she doesn't like Daddy, then when she hears the key in the lock in the evening she dashes to the front door -"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" and then they are inseparable all evening.

Toddlers, eh?

FossilMum if you ever get to the point where you think it's having an negative effect on his ability to function in important ways you should ask for an assessment.

If you post on the SN board you'll get oodles of really good advice.

Don't listen to people who tell you not to do it. Follow your instincts because they are probably right.

My 3.6 DS said last week, after a day of painting, playdough, garden, shopping, being his bus passenger, juggling his every whim with his baby sister's needs, 'Why aren't you a nice mummy?'!! I had to leave the room so he didn't see my eyes. Then I questioned him jokingly but got no further. Good job the baby's still cute.

Well, it's obviously not just me, then? Next time (it sounds from several of your comments that I'll be very lucky if there aren't more) I'll have to come up with a better response than bursting into tears

Oh, and Al1ison, thank you for your suggestion to check out the SN board. I'll do some reading there, and perhaps post there for advice later if my concerns continue.

Earlier this week my 3.6 DS told me he was moving out to live with his Auntie as he thinks she is nicer than I am. You've got to love them

Next time he says he hates you, ask him why he hates you. Will make him think and also starts a conversation... the worst you will get is constructive criticism! Also try to look (and feel) disappointed and surprised rather than devastated, I'd say he's testing his new found powers - what effect he can have on those around him! A kid that age doesn't know how to hate, don't let it get to you. When mine are being monstrous, I try to remember a mother's place is in the wrong... I often get an (un-asked for) apology later, which I love.

Last night, snuggled in bed, he said "I love you" for the first time. Oh, that was sooooooooooooo nice! If he ever says he doesn't again, not only will I be bolstered by all your good advice, but now also by having heard the opposite at least once.