6 y.o. Emotionally and Socially Immature- any strategies to help him 'grow up'?

[Easy]

Oh Blimey, this might be long, sorry in advance. Just been to school harvest festival. Ds was pleased to see me there(on the front row), but before it all started he started to pout, and once it got under way, just didn't participate, sat cross legged in his spot, didn't sing or anything. I have no Idea why.

At the end the head (I'm getting to know her well now I'm a governor) said to me she had no idea why either. but she commented that they do find him 'socially and emotionally immature' which will be discussed when we have parents evening after half term. But we were told at the end of last term that he has little empathy with the other children. I think he's pretty ego-centric.

Intellectually he's very able (reading age 9-ish, no problem with numbers, well ahead in maths etc).

I know that he is still capable of really toddler style strops (like on Sunday. I asked him to get his armbands to put in his swimming bag. he didn't want to get them cos he'd decided there are spiders in that room, had a 30 minute tantrum, net result no swimming)and I'm trying to use Tanya Byron tactics to solve it at home. I feel like I'm winning the battle but VERY slowly.

He's an only child, but I don't think he's coddled. I was a SAHM from his birth, but put him in nursery one day per week just after 1 year to help socialise him. When he was 3 I had 2 long spells in hospital and then ages in a wheelchair, and he was cared for during that time by my dh, my mum and additional nursery time. I do wonder whether that caused him some emotional probs.

I've worked part time some of the last year, I'm helped by a childminder. DH has spells when he works away mon-fri, we're going thru one of those now until next March.

Any Idea what we've done/are doing wrong? How can we undo it.
I'd like to have a strategy in place before parent's evening, apart from which, it might help me deal with him.

Being a mother of a 6 yr old boy myself, I think lots of boys are a bit socially & emotionally immature. In fact, judging from the threads on here, I would say that a whole lot of the men are too!!!
Don't get stressed Easy, just keep percevering with "actions have consequences" Tanya Byron stuff and he'll get the message.

No help, I'm afraid, just to say you could be describing dd2. She has always been really bad at socialising in a crowd, doesn't like joining in 'party games', & frequently complains that no-one will play with her. I think it's more that if she wants to play x & everyone else wants to play y she wont join in, just translates that as no-one will play with me. She would rather not play than play a different game. She is gradully getting better, but it's taken a long time (she's in yr4 now). I do think some of it is due to going to school too early (she was just 4 as a late summer baby) & she just wasn't ready for that. She went to nursery 3 days per week from 6 months, and she has an older sister (yr5) so she has had plenty of chance to socialise, just doesn't find it that easy (follows dh I reckon). I have spent a lot of time discussing how other people feel about things, and suggested taking turns in games etc, but she would rather go off in a sulk than try & sort it out with her friends. She also used to through away any piece of art or work that 'wasn't right'. Dh reckons she just has very high standards. Sorry I can't be any help, but don't assume it's due to any of the problems you have had, could just be character. It's more obvious with our dd2 as dd1 is (and always has been) miss popular

I have a 6year old too and its hard sometimes being an only child mind you he can chat the hind legs of a donking (so can I for that matter . )I think past events might have some relevance (scuse spelling ) on the situation .I would try and book an appointment with his teacher before parents evening if poss because as we all know they are trying to fit in all the parents (they are knackered by the end ) and you dont get enough time with them . I wouldnt worry it dosnt sound too major. Is he one of the youngest in the class.

I have a 6year old too and its hard sometimes being an only child mind you he can chat the hind legs of a donking (so can I for that matter . )I think past events might have some relevance (scuse spelling ) on the situation .I would try and book an appointment with his teacher before parents evening if poss because as we all know they are trying to fit in all the parents (they are knackered by the end ) and you dont get enough time with them . I wouldnt worry it dosnt sound too major. Is he one of the youngest in the class.

Sulky strops normal for 6yo boy, IME. A lot of it about, in any case. MN pasta jar system has helped us (a bit).

No, he's the oldest in his year, and with adults is generally pretty confident, and yes VERY talkative. I know they have trouble sometimes with him talking at 'inappropriate times' in class.

Easy, children develop at different rates and easy as it is for me to say I wouldn't worry too much about this. The idea that children should be doing certain things at certain times is imho generally not very helpful.

Mine trys to not chat in class but it "aint happenning " I think and please dont take this the wrong way he is just a bit immature in large numbers ,as you say with adults he is fine .It will get better but with time ,have you tried to invite mates home for tea and after school clubs and things like that . My one isnt very good at sharing his own toys everybody elses he is fine but not his own .So I am inviting more friends over for tea (not easy when you live 15 miles from school ) Just give it time and try to speak to the teacher and see if she has any ideas . Please dont take the immature thing the wrong way as its only an opinion .I have been a nanny for 24 years and I know for a fact that they all develope in their own way and boys can be that little bit slower in social skills .

Hello - I don't know anything about the background apart from what you say - but is there any chance he might be Asperger's? [ducking emoticon]. You say he prefers adult company, and has no empathy, yet is very able academically. He is clearly also anxious. The spider thing, though intensely annoying, could have been very real to him. Forgive me if I'm totally barking up the wrong tree.If it's obvious to you he's not AS or has any other special need - then send him to PERFORM or some other drama club so he learns how to participate in a group and have fun at the same time, as well as increasing in confidence and making other friends out of school. It's true about boys though, so maybe he's just developing in his own time. And you sound like a great mother.

Dd is very 'sensitive'/highly strung/whatever, and was a bit like your ds when 6. She's now 7 and is better. There are books on dealing with highly strung children, can't recall any titles now, but got them from the library; basically we had to give her a lot of time, and still do have to.

Zumarud,

Yes, although I have never admitted this to anyone else I do wonder whether he may be borderline AS. Some of his behaviour does seem to indicate those signs.

And the reason I haven't admitted it to anyone is simply this:- My stepson (dh's eldest, now 23) is autistic. When ds was conceived autism was one of my fears, and I daren't really admit it to myself.

In the past few weeks dh has mentioned things that he sees in ds's behaviour which are echos of ss's when he was little (but much reduced versions). I suppose I need to bite the bullet, go in to school and make moves towards seeing an ed psych?

Sorry, just typing this has made me cry (and I know lots of you have MUCH worse to cope with).

FV, I have just started poughing my way thru' a book called 'raising a spirited child'

Easy - we had really positive experience of seeing an Ed Psych. It felt like a huge decision to make at the time, but I've certainly never regretted it.

DS1 has really blossomed in the last few years, and is now a 'model pupil' at school apparently. Last year his teacher worked really hard with him on learning to speak briefly and concisely and not constantly, even when he had interesting and important things to say!

If you're already considering the possibilty of AS then it may be worth reading a book by Luke Jackson, called "Freaks, Geeks and Aspergers Syndrome". If parts of it seem familiar then you could try some of the strategies mentioned in the book. If none of it sounds anything like your ds then it would at least help to put your mind at rest. I'm so sorry you're having all this worry.

Easy, what you are describing sounds very similar to our experiences of ds last year. He is now 6 1/2, so similar sort of age too. He was mainly fine at home and with adults, but had problems with his peers and in the classroom. Also major tantrums about stuff of no great import. And bright too. He was wriggly in class, and thought to have concentration problems, oh and they said he had low muscle tone, and poor fine motor skills. The SENCO made noises about autism, which did not impress us much, as I have a relative (my nephew) with Aspergers, and there is just no way ds was like him at all. So we went to see the physios, OT and community paeds. All of who said that he was immature, and generally "borderline". The school also had a social communications expert vist (they have a special needs behavioural unit). She gave the teacher lots of advice about how to help ds (and the rest of his class) particularly about playtime. Oh, and he got a referral for an eye test.

A year later he has been found to be very long sighted, but has been discharged from all other services. His new teacher doesn't seem to think he has any major problems, and he now seems to have learnt how to make friends. He still has bad days, but the only problems he has are with the dinner ladies (he just can't sit still at meal time!) He is still decidedly different, but this seems to be causing less problems for him (and us).

Sorry this is a bit long, but I think that there are some parallels, and I just wanted to offer you some hope! I too have sat and watched ds look very lost and well, just "odd" at school events. Turns out he probably couldn't really see me - and, well he was probably also a bit bored (they rehearsed his bit for weeks!).

The best support we had during this process was from his recption teacher, a very experienced lady, who said right at the beginning that he would grow up in his own time. Strategy wise, I would ask for some assessment, it may not help, but they may be able to give both you and his teachers some ideas that may make a real difference to him. Good luck!

Yes, that book title sounds familiar. Maybe the subtitle should be 'The Spirited Child - hard work but they're worth it.' Best of luck, other people's advice sounds very useful

Thanks all so far.

I feel a bit less down this morning (felt really tired and depressed last night), and ds has got up for school like an angel. Some mornings he decides to be good, some hes the devil incarnate.

I find your comments very comforting Nooka. His eyes were tested last year, and seemed to be fine, but he does have damaged hearing on one side, and I'm wondering if that might be having an effect. It is a matter I intend to raise with his teacher, as she tends to forget.

Of course it is worse with dh being away, as I brood on stuff alone. But we talked on the phone last night.

I do wonder if it is just that all his growing-up effort is going into physical growth (he's biggish for his age) and the academic related stuff, and the emotional side will catch up later.

So now I need to investigate how we get access to an ed psych.

Easy, I'd like to second what roisin says - seeing an ed psych was really really helpful and positive for us. We saw our ed psych very early (ds was not quite 5) and in a lot of ways ds has "grown into" what the ed psych could see and we (and the school) could not, then.

By the way, nooka's description of her ds is very like mine, who's also six and a half - though I think mine's eyes are OK, and he (mine) sounds capable of being much giddier and sillier. Oh, and mine's enormous and a brainbox, too, so there he's like yours, and I have often thought that energy that might otherwise be going into maturing is instead going into (a) thinking and (b) bone growth.

That's fascinating binkie: I don't think I knew that your ds was also tall.

My ds1 is the youngest in his class but is the tallest, and always has been.

Wedgiesmum's ds, who is very similar in many ways, is absolutely enormous.

Easy's ds is tall.

What's this all about?

Hmm this is interesting isn't it.

As always, thanks for your comments too roisin.

Um, my ds who is also socially immature is quite small!

Well, my DS1, (six, brainy, but socially immature), isn't tall, so he can be the exception that proves the rule! (He's got an enormous head though - anyone else's boy have an absolutely outsize bonce?)

The thing is, someone could also make something out of the fact that all these children have mothers who are web users (or MNers in fact).

Argggggggh, what have we done !!!

You can tell I have cheered up a bit can't you

Dino - yes! - ds has a giant head. To hold his giant brain, I tell myself
Seriously, he is pretty inept socially sometimes, but awfully clever and terribly sweet.

Yes, I use that line too, aloha!