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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My 5 year old DS and his behavior in school(Long-sorry)

17 replies

pobodysnerfect · 28/02/2011 15:31

I know Ive posted this before but I didnt get any responses and I really need advice I am at the end of my tether.

Since my son started school we have been having issues on and off but it has been getting worse since November when his class were given a new teacher. He will not stop talking in the class or sit down for 5 mins. This is happening every day/ His teacher stops me every time to tell me about his behaviour and how much it disrupts the others. When he is questioned about why he is talking, he says he is trying to tell his friend somnething. He is told to say it and sit down but then he gets up again to say something else. If he is told no, then he keeps disobeying her, trying to get up to talk and then starts crying and screaming when she moves him to another table.

He never behaves like this at home. We might have to tell him to do something a few times at home on occasion when he is tired but usually he is very receptive. If he does get in trouble, we use reward charts which are successful at home but his teacher says he doesnt respond to them at school. He si very bright but not so smart that the work isnt challenging enough for him. He is very popular, its a small school and all the big kids are mad about him and look out for him. He is active, eats well, has a good home and all he needs.

Im just so sick of collecting him from school and hearing what he did. Then I have to punish him. And I want to enjoy time with him, bring him places, do things but I feel I cant. He has a parent teacher meeting tomorrow and Im tempted to tell her he isnt coming back because its just too much.

The teacher says she is going to speak to the learning resource teacher and the SEN lady in the area as she thinks it could be ADD but that cant be diagnosed till 7 or so as far as I can see. I also hate the fact that he is labelled as the bad kid by the teacher as such, I feel it will follow him from class to class.

Does anyone have any experience?Any tips? Sorry its so long!

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 28/02/2011 15:36

Do you really need to punish him at home too? If the teacher deals with it in class then I wouldn't punish him again.

barmbrack · 28/02/2011 15:36

Can you go into school and observe him for a day? Maybe you could come up with some ideas that would help.

Kewcumber · 28/02/2011 15:43

why do you need to punish him at homefor something he did at school

My DS has had a few teething problmes in school - difficulty keeping quiet and getting frustrated/hitting. Teacher talked ot me about it and we agreed to a consistent appraoch together. I talked to him about his behaviour in school andhow important it was to listen to teh teacher to be able to learn new things and let others learn and hw break timeis for talking to your friends.

Teacher was great nad he gots lots of positive attention for doing the "right" thing in school and so far (touch wood) it has all settled down.

Don;t even consider taking him out of school for this its a massive over reaction and he needs to learn how to behave in class. Taking him out just means he can continue to behave in teh way he wants to. Our teacher sugegsted if the more softly softly appraoch didn;t work that we should next try a sticker chart during school time - one for each morning or afternoon he behaves with a reward of special time if he gets 9/10 stars at the end of theweek.

Original poster

pobodysnerfect · 28/02/2011 15:43

Yeah Rita My sister says that too. I just feel like he isnt getting it at all.If I collect him from school, Im told he misbehaved and then I take him to the park, then Im not showing that what he did was wrong IYKWIM. I dont want to punish him.

Barmbrack would a school allow that?

OP posts:

mummytime · 28/02/2011 15:49

I would suggest that if your son is fine everywhere else, then the problem isn't your son but the teacher. I he is a bit loud/bisterou elsewhere then maybe you do need to talk to him about calming down, walk him to school, ban TV before school, watch what he eats (including orange juice).
I would request a meeting with the head, to discuss how it is not helpful for you to receive complaints about his behaviour everyday after school. Maybe send in a book, where they can record with simple smiley, neutral or sad faces how his behaviour was for each section of the day (before break, after break, after lunch).
Give him lots of praise for every smiley face, and try to ignore the other ones. Also discuss with the head strategies they can use to help your son settle.

Good luck!

Kewcumber · 28/02/2011 19:13

You can talk to him about the problem without punisging him for it. 5 is still very young to associate punishment with something that happened hours earlier (and which he has been punished for anyway)

thisisyesterday · 28/02/2011 19:21

i too think that punishing him again at home is totally unnecessary. the school have dealt with it, there is no need for you to do it again later in the day.

by all means talk to him, explain why it's important to listen when the teacher says so etc etc

i think it's good that they're getting the SENCO in, because even if he has no special needs that doesn't mean she won't be able to offer advice to the teacher and techniques for dealing with his behaviour in school

Although it can be hard I do think a 5 year old ought to be able to stop talking when asked, and perhaps more concerning is his behaviour when he is prevented from doing it- crying and screaming, so basically a tantrum? does he still have tantrums at home?

I would perhaps ask for a meeting with the teacher, SENCO and anyone else relevant to ask what their plans are and how you can back this up at home.

Some children respond well to visual cues... so perhaps if the teacher had a sign with a picture on that means "no talking" that she could hold up that might work?

thisisyesterday · 28/02/2011 19:23

btw, i actually think that taking him to the park is a good idea.
you can have a chat on your way there "so, what happened at school today? your teacher tells me you were a bit upset..." or words to that effect.

take the pressure off and let him tell his side of it

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 28/02/2011 19:51

At 5 why is he having so much carpet time, teaching in a silent setting??

MCDL · 28/02/2011 20:05

I would agree with Mummytime .... My dd 5 in May just started school, she is getting on great no problems although at the beginning we had major issues at home. Talked to her teacher to see if the they were having the same problems, she was been an angel in school and devil at home.. Turned out there was a little bullying going on between the girls, we spoke about it, dd had a little cry and that was the end of it..

He may be just finding his feet and under a little bit of pressure. He will talk about it when he is ready... Our little chat happened in the car. DD communicates all her little problems to me since ... We speak often about the importance of this ...

lookingfoxy · 28/02/2011 21:54

A few kids like this in ds's class, I honestly just think its normal for the age, ds is constantly complaining that 'rosie' never stops talking, despite him being the exact same. I think school can be a realy exciting environment for them, surrounded by so many friends, that they just can't help themselves at the moment.
Im sure he will settle down and learn to be quiet when appropriate soon enough, especially if you don't have any problems at home.

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 28/02/2011 22:03

It sounds like the teaching is a little 'old school' TBH.

Original poster

pobodysnerfect · 28/02/2011 22:14

Thanks for all your replies I really appreciate it.

He cries in the class when she moves him because he knows he is in trouble. He doesnt want me to find out, I guess he doesnt want to be punished again by me. I guess I should respect the fact that he is being punished for it in shcool, I just dont feel like he is getting the message because he does it again the next day.

I spoke to DP tonight and we have agreed a united front tomorrow at the parent teacher meeting. Im going to bring up the fact that I feel that its always DS that seems to be punished-when there was a row between 3 of them over crayons, he was theone who had a note sent home and had been moved table even though the note says she doesnt know who started it.

He never has tantrums at home, he is helpful, fun, good humoured..I dont know, he would tell you in a heartbeat if someone was bullying him, its such a small school and everyone really does like him. We always have chats about his behaviour, I always address it and he promises not to do it again but does it again the very nex day.I just dont know anymore.

OP posts:

MCDL · 28/02/2011 22:39

There are often disputes in school over different stuff, the teacher should not be sharing every little tittle tattle with you .... Your ds sounds very normal, a little man who knows his own mind tbh.

coogar · 01/03/2011 10:46

Many boys of 5 find it difficult to sit and pay attention for required periods of time. Is he in yr1? If so, the transition from reception is very tricky for many kids. It's the first experience of 'formal' teaching they have and unfortunately, teachers are driven by targets and a rigid curriculum that does not allow (or fund) them to teach individually to suit all kids. Seriously look at his diet though. Even squashes that contain artificial sweeteners can aggravate hyperactivity in children. Many preservatives and additives have a negative affect too. Try Omega 3,6, & 9 supplements for aid concentration (this really helped my ds who is 7 and dx ADHD). ADD manifests in the inability to pay attention for what is considered an age appropriate period of time - the child appears to day dream and finds it hard to process verbal requests. ADHD is the same but there is also more 'movement' with the child i.e. getting up and walking about classroom, very chatty/loud and impulsive (does not think before acting). The teacher should be getting support from her HT and SENCO to help your ds manage in the classroom. Is she telling you so that you will agree to get SENCO involved? (sorry haven't read all posts). Whatever you do, DO NOT punish him at home even though the temptation is great. If he is truly finding the school environment difficult, you will only compound the issue and it will eventually effect his confidence and self-esteem .... then you will have another problem on your hands dealing with that. It is very common for children labelled as 'naughty' to have a low self opinion of themselves don't let it get to that.

schmee · 01/03/2011 11:07

I thought this was interesting: "he says he is trying to tell his friend somnething. He is told to say it and sit down but then he gets up again to say something else" I'm not surprised he keeps talking if he is allowed to get up and talk to a friend when he has been chattering.

I think boys this age need really black and white rules otherwise they get confused by/take advantage of the ambiguity. I.e. no talking unless the teacher asks you to by name in circle time - or similar.

The suggestion to ask for a meeting is a good one.

I know what you mean about just wanting to spend nice time with your son, but unfortunately that's how it works when you have a child this age I think.

tegan · 01/03/2011 11:16

I haven't read the whole thread as i only want to reply to the op.

My dd is 6 and we have had exactly the same problems since she started school. it has got to a very serious point since she returned after xmas break to the point we took her from the school and have placed her in a new school. Since then we have had no problems at all, also along side this i am taking a course which is social services run and follows the Webster Stratton method of parenting and even with my other children i have found this helpful.

We found dd was being singled out by every teacher and even the head as a naughty child and as such was punished harshly for anything she did. I too was spoken too every hometime by teachers and made to feel like a failure as a parent.

When we took dd out of the school suddenly we were being told be juniour teachers just how badly dd was treated and even to the extent that she was physically man handled.

We now know we have made the right decision and have a happy little girl.

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