Help!!!! DS Tantrums/anger??

[StrikeUpTheBand]

I was hoping someone might be able to advise as I am getting very worried about my DS - he's 4 next week. He has always been a very chilled out baby and then child most of the time, but did have the occasional wobblies about normal things (eg as a younger toddler didn't like going in his pushchair and would kick, attempt to bite and scream etc). He has been described as 'stubborn' in the past and 'strong willed'. Family members who take care of him regularly are now finding this being more of a problem.

In general, he appears the majority of the time to be a well-behaved, sensible child who is good company. He is good with other children and has always been described as 'well-behaved' at nursery. However, he does sometimes throw wobblies. An example would be him getting upset about leaving softplay and repeatedly complaining about leaving, maybe standing in front of the pushchair etc. However, he recovers from these smaller tantrums and gets on with his day after persistance. He is very bright academically but also quite exhausting at times with all of his questions, making up games to play, etc.

So, until recently he was a bit stubborn and strong-willed, but quite manageable. However, in the last week he has had a massive wobbly about something every day. At the weekend, we visited relatives and when it came to time to go (admittedly it was sudden as they were going out), he threw such a huge one that it left everyone feeling . He wouldn't put his shoes on, and when I physically put them on for him (after trying to reason with him for 5 minutes) he struggled and kicked and pulled them off again. Eventually I lifted him and put him (kicking and pinching) into the car, and had to be quite fierce getting his seatbelt on. He tantrumed all the way home. Then the next day I had told him that he could have some time watching his favourite tv programme or go on the cbeebies website (as he usually does) but only if he got through the whole day without another tantrum. Unfortunately (after a good day) he was asked to pick up his toys and had missed some, so asked him again - mega tantrum ensued when he shut door in my face so I took him for his time out on the stairs but he refused to cooperate (threw his time out pad across the room) so he went up to his bedroom. He calmed down so I went up to get him, but once he realised he was having no computer time he started again! Eventually he got himself so wound up that I had to try to hold out the olive branch (and give him a cuddle and offer him a snack and a drink before bed) as he was sobbing and clearly completely lost it.
The next day, in nursery he hit another child on the head with a toy and then clammed up and wouldn't apologise (seems to struggle saying sorry at the best of times). When pressed further he actually hit his key worker . He eventually calmed down and said sorry but it was quite a shock as this is the first time any of this sort of behaviour has happened at nursery.
Yesterday he wasn't too bad but he still lost it at one point when he wanted some sweets in a shop and I said no, as they were a huge bag and expensive. He was getting very irate about it. I only avoided total meltdown because he thought he was getting them but in face I was giving them back to the shop assistant and he misunderstood. He only found out when we were out of the store and he was distracted.

Sorry this is long but I am really getting concerned. I don't think I am soft on him - I never smack him (my mother seemed to think this was why he wouldn't behave) but poor behaviour is dealt with (have a time out pad for extreme incidents and loses computer time etc if he has not had a good day). It is just making me very sad that my otherwise lovely DS's behaviour seems out of control lately and I don't want it to continue .

My ds2 has always been like this. He is 4 in May. However he has bubbled up recently so it sounds like it might be a developmental change. I read a book called why they cry and it said when babies develop new skills they behave badly. I don't think this changes as they get older. My ds2 is bright and needs alot of stimulation too. I have a great book called raising a spirited child. It gives good advice without making you feel like a failure or patronised. As you are very worried why don't you see his pre-school teacher or health visitor? I have and they were really helpful. I often need reminding it's just the behaviour not the personality. I have smacked my children and it makes me feel bad. Tbh it doesn't work with ds2 it escalates his tantruming. You could also try raising boys by steve bidulf- I think I've spelled that wrong. It is good to get a boy's perspective.
My ds2 is not allowed to play on the wii until we have at least 2 days without a meltdown. Still waiting! He had it taken away when he fell out of the front door on purpose to show me he couldn't put his coat on. He can. He didn't think too far ahead as he landed on his head and it hurt. I had to go into pre-school to explain why he was there with an ice pack. I hope this makes you realise it's not just you with a child who is not afraid to demonstrate what they want from life!

Sounds like he is a feeling a bit insecure and is tantruming in a bid to regain control and check you still love him.

My ds1 (5) is a very insecure child and can still completely go off on one.

I found the book Playful Parenting very helpful.

Just a thought about the tantrums and linking it to computer time etc etc. At that age I would say it is unlikely that your child can control whether or not he throws a tantrum, so setting a goal about not having a tantrum is unrealistic - it would be like someone telling you that you can have a chocolate bar if you go all day without a sneeze.

When he is being overwhelmed with emotion you can help him deal with it. Acknowledge that you feel sad that it is time to go and you would like to stay forever too, or that the sweets looked yummy and you would like to eat sweets for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Tell him its OK to feel sad / angry, that when you feel like that you....punch a cushionm, shout under your bed covers etc etc, and see if he needs a cuddle.

I hope that doesn't sound too interfering - he just sounds so much like my ds and I wish I had learned years ago that I don't need to control him, just love him and help him figure out how to contol himself.

And well done on the not smacking -its difficult to stick to when you are getting advised to do it and you have more self-control than I do.

Thanks spanky2 and LargeLatte . It's nice to know I'm not the only one!

We've just had a fun evening as DP suggested he might need more sleep (and I agree, but he's never been that tired very early in the evening so goes to bed at 7:30 for stories etc and hopefully asleep by 8pm). Unfortunately trying to get him to bed 20 minutes earlier was working fine until the actual bedtime bit, at which point he took a full 45 minutes of coming downstairs, several excuses, including "When I smile my cheeks go all red - I'm poorly!" (said at least 20 times).

Spanky I will look into those books - thanks. I have heard of them and almost ordered them a couple of times before. Your DS's behaviour sounds familiar.

LargeLatte I do agree with you that linking computer time to tantruming (or not) was unwise. I also agree that he needs me to model how to behave rather than punish him. After the first night I could see that it wasn't going to work at all so I binned it. Going to sleep without making a fuss was working brilliantly as a reward chart - once he had 20 we went somewhere nice (children's museum, softplay, park etc. It worked because he could control it. He has not been this fussy for a long time because he wanted to collect his stickers and earn his prize so I might have to start another chart like that!

You are definitely not the only one. My favourite tension breaker when someone else's kid is throwing a meag strop in a shop is to look at the anxious-looking mum and say 'oh goodness, mine never behaved like that', and throw her a big smile - usually gets her to smile and often the kid stops screaming because he's embarassed someone else noticed. For the really forced attention-seeking tantrums (as opposed to the out of control ones) saying loudly to ds - if you are going to throw a tantrum do it properly because that is not at all believeable - when I was your age I could scream much louder than that', or something like that, usually works a treat - but that is because he is now nearly 6 and has much more control.

As for coming downstairs - that really made me chuckle. Ds2 (3) will sit upstairs thinking of a good excuse to come down, then hit us with something really convincing, usually tummy ache - every night. DS1 (5) comes down more often and has the most ridiculous excuses that we can't help but laugh 'my toe nails are too long' / 'my drink of water has gone old' etc etc.

You are never alone. Whatever freaky, embarassing, scary behaviour your child throws at you, thousands of children before him have already worried their parents with. Good luck.

Haha! Sounds familiar! I get him being thirsty, him needing medicine because he's suddenly "pohw-lee!", then calling me to tell me he loves me, calling me back to tell me (as yesterday) that his imaginary friend has gone missing and will be lost and sad, his grobag egg light is too orange etc etc.

I had a bit of success this morning when he slept in (thought he was tired so left him to sleep as I'm not at work today). His dad usually drops him off at nursery (it's a day nursery so opens early, he uses his education funded hours there) on his way to work, but I thought he'd be better off getting a bit more sleep and then I would walk him down. But I didn't count on him finding the change of routine upsetting. He was shouting out of the door at his dad to come back, and then ranting about not wanting to go with me, wanting daddy to take him. He refused to put his shoes on so I decided to ignore it and went off to play with baby DD after telling him he needed to get there before breakfast time ended or he'd miss it. I came back to find him putting his shoes on and asking me if they were on the right feet .

too little sleep and too much screen time make mine naughty. would really recommend a book called playful parenting by cohen. look it upon amazon if interested, its helped me lots.