Angry 6 year old and new baby

[JungleJunction]

Hello
I am new to posting but have lurked for a long time so thought it was time I was brave and joined in!

I had a baby 6 weeks ago. He has a few problems with reflux and milk intolerance so cries quite a bit, but not endlessly (most days anyway!). That is hard enough to deal with but would be entirely managable were it not for my 6 year old DS's tantrums.

He got progressively more angry with me as my pregnancy progressed but it was more stroppy and defiant rather than tantrums IYSWIM. Since the baby has been born he has taken to throwing the most enormous tantrums. He is big and strong and does throw things around and get aggressive so is in danger of hurting himself or someone else. I have given him a bean bag to punch to try to work through his anger and told him anger is normal but we need to not hurt people or things and tried to be tolerant and calm but it is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with him and I feel as though I have to creep around on eggshells when I am with him. I am trying to give him one on one time as much as possible. He is stroppy and unpleasant with my mother who has been around to help with the baby. That is upsetting too.

I am so tired of turning things into a game or having to jolly him along to do the most simple of tasks such as teeth-brushing or putting on shoes. Flash points are getting ready for school and anytime we need to hurry so I try to make sure we have enough time to do stuff. The smallest things seem to trigger these tantrums. His shoes feel uncomfortable/not being allowed chocolate for breakfast (as if!)/not being bought a toy in a shop. (He seems so spoilt but he really isn't :()

I think it is important to say that his anger is very much directed at me never at his brother, who he seems to have a real affection for (thank goodness) or anyone else really (although he is stroppy with people). His tantrums tend to be triggered when I am dealing with him. His father works away a lot and the tantrums I think tend to happen when he is not around.

I know this is a period of adjustment but I am finding it such hard work and didn't expect anger of such magnitude. He has turned into someone who can be really spiteful and hurtful and needs such careful handling. I love my son very much but I am finding him increasingly hard to like and I feel awful admitting that. I have spoken to his school and they have reassured me that his anger is not spilling out there which is a relief. He also isn't behaving like this for friends but is for my mother when she looks after him.

Has anyone got any ideas how I can help him work through his anger? My very presence seems to flame the fires yet he doesn't want to be away from my side. Can anyone reassure me that this is a phase and will pass? It is so hard seeing him this angry - I want him to be happy and have my (admittedly lively, occasionally stroppy and strong willed) son back. I also want to be able to relax when dealing with him. Right now it feels like such hard work and there is no respite in the challenge he offers.

What a nightmare!

I think the key is to find out the root cause of the anger.

My first guess would be insecurity. It used to be just you and him a lot of the time and now this new person has come along and replaced him. Does that mean that you love him less now? How can he find out? Perhaps by behaving really badly to see if you will push him away or still want him. It's a very self-destructive way to find your feet in the new status quo. That could explain why he's also doing it with your mum but not with friends.

Children often push things hard to see what will happen - it's why they push the boundaries harder when those boundaries are not firm. They have a desire to find out exactly where they stand.

You sound like you're doing all the right things by being consistently loving and not reacting by getting angry back.

It might be helpful to tell him you're going to ask someone to have the baby for a short time so you can do something nice together. Is that something you can do? It might make him feel better if he is allowed to be higher up the pecking order for once.

Also if you can bring yourself to let the baby cry if he starts when you're in the middle of doing something with him rather than rushing to finish quickly. You'll be torn to shreds and you might already do that of course but if not it could give him a boost.

It should pass fairly soon if he gets the message that he is still your baby too and the baby isn't more important than him even if he is really demanding.

HTH

You sound like you are working really hard with him and yoou have my every sympathy.

If he is not behaving badly at school thats a good thing, you know this is not personality or a behavioural difficulty.

So, how to deal with it at home? My suggestions would be to sit down with him when you will not be under pressure and when someone else has the baby. Explain that you love him, are proud of how well he's doing at school and what a fabulous big brother he is. You've noticed that he's finding it difficult to behave well with you and you'd like to help him with this. So, he will have a set time each day when you will do what he wants to do with you. Perhaps about half an hour? Tell him that the baby will be around but that you will be concentrating on him and doing whatever activity he chooses. He gets this time no matter how he behaves.

Next, notice when he's behaving well. Praise every time he's kind to the baby, eats his dinner well, gets dressed, literally every time.

Where possible ignore the bad behaviour, so if it's general muttering or being a little bit rude then it can be ignored. Behaviour that gets attention increases, so give lots of attention to good behaviour and ignore as much bad that you can.

If what he doing is dangerous to someone, or is going to cause damage, then remove him from the situation. Have somewhere he can go to calm down where he cant damage things, and leave him there to calm down. So, 'I think you need some space to calm down, I'd like you to sit in this room until you can behave calmly.' or 'what you're doing is naughty, you need to go and sit here until you can behave better'. Dont focus on it when he's calmed down, carry on and get him involved.

If your mum is involved in discipline then she needs to be on board with this, and be doing the same thing. Same with his dad when he's home.

If nothing else, this stuff should help you to feel in control and give you a time when you enjoy being with him. When my DC2 was born my HV suggested to imagine how I would feel if DH came home with another woman and said she's living here with us now, and this woould help a little bit to see how DC1 felt.

I had such similar issues with my 5 year old when the new baby came. She wasn't aggressive but was SO angry with me and every little thing became a battle - especially when DH was away. And it was exactly the same flash points as you (dressing for school, breakfast etc). It sounds like you are doing all the right things to address the situation. It may not be much comfort but it just took time with my DD. There was no single answer. I did a few outings just me and her without the baby where we climbed trees and flew kites and made a Mummy and DD scrapbook, which helped a bit. But basically she just needed to work through the fact her world had been tilted on its axis and she needed time to get back in equilibrium. She was never nasty to the baby and was lovely at school but she took every opportunity to pick a fight with me and it was so hard to keep calm and positive when I was stressed and sleep deprived. But they do take it out on the ones they love and are comfortable with, knowing you'll still love them however badly they behave. I was searching the boards as we are now expecting another and my now almost 7 year old is acting up again, attention-seeking and being difficult. I know this too will pass but it is exhausting and I was in tears this week as she was just picking fights over every little thing and it was so unnecessary. Just hang in there and stay strong....it will pass.