SIBLING RIVALRY

[Nesty]

I have 2 children a 3 year old and a 17 month old the 3 year old is terribly jealous of his brother is always pushing him or dragging him about.The hv says to use praise whenever the 3year old is being good which I do sometimes I feel like Mary poppins oh you're being such a good boy,that was really nice of you etc but nothing seems to work.Somedays I cannot find anything to praise him for which sounds awful but we used to have such a loving relationship my husband is in Afghanistan and I have no family so am doing it alone literally.I put the youngest into nursery one day a week so I have a day with the eldest and I get a glimpse of what it used to be like he's sweet and loving but once the little un is home he's back to the way he was.
I have explained that I love them both the same I know the youngest is not entirely guilty of blame he hits the eldest and If I am cuddling the eldest he comes up cries and tries to push him off but I am at my wits end.I do painting and play with the eldest when youngest is in bed but I just feel like whatever I do is just not good enough.I read parenting books which all go on about how the formative years are the most important in bonding with your children and I just worry that I have already blown it.He'd rather be with anyone than me.Does it get any easier?Sometimes I wonder if i have made a terrible mistake having a 2nd child not because I don't love him but just the loving son I had seems to have gone.People say they'll get over it but I know my 2 brothers always fought and they still don't get on as adults.Not exactly hate each other but no real love lost either I'd hate for history to repeat itself.Sorry for such a long post but is there a light at the end of the tunnel.

No, you haven't made a mistake.

There's really not much you can do other than give them both lots of love and attention.

Siblings fight. Some fight more than others, but generally they fight. If you expect peace and harmony, you will be disappointed. They are always going to fight. and they'll get on very well at times too.

Don't make it into a big thing. Don't overthink it. Just enjoy your kids.

And throw the books away. Those bloody things do more harm than good.

Hi Nesty, poor you, I really know the feeling and I've still got DH to help whereas you are battling it through alone. It is so hard but rest assured that you are not making mistakes, you are a great mummy to both your boys and don't worry about it too much.

My eldest sounds very like your eldest, have posted several threads re her hitting and kicking recently which seem to be invoked by outrageous sibling jealousy.

It will get easier, they will grow up so quickly ad do leaps and bounds in terms of development. There will always be fights but a year from now your eldest will be in school and the youngest in nursery and you can actually breathe again. Do not feel like you have to resolve everything, some things cannot be sped up or resolved. All siblings are different, your bothers' relationship has no bearing on your boys. Please try not to worry, take each day as it comes and try not to compare your DSs to each other no stoke more rivalry. Keep talking to your eldest and tell him you expect him to be mummy's big sensible boy and reward him with your attention for good behaviour. Always tend to the 'victim' of a fight first and try and divert their attention with a new book, 30mins TV or a game. Don't be too hard on yourself.

I read a book called "siblings without rivalry" I was a Nanny in America and this was the parents bible. It is soo contrived, and sickly and american. BUT if you can put in the time and try to get used to the pretentions language- it works really well. I haven't done it with my own children- as frankly I haven't been bothered to put the effort into it- but I wish i had, as its always easier to maintain things if they have always been the norm- rather than trying to go back and fix all the mistakes ( ie- letting one sibling tell on another for doing something wrong and then punishing the sibling in front of the other- GREAT pay-off) and I do know that as with all theses things- you have to put the effort in-to reap the rewards. Maybe it's worth reading, for when they are a bit older.

I fought with my brother until i was about 16 years- gave my mum hell- we were VERY physical and it was horrid- but we became friends as adults- and although very different people we accept each other...so not best buddies- but we are such different people, I'm not sure we ever would have been, no matter what our upbringing had been like.

Good luck- my eldset two argue all the time1 so i might just dust off that book!

OMG, was about to post a similar cry for help on this very subject. DD1 is 3 and half and very jealous of DD2, aged 19 months. She is consumed with it and not a day goes by without a lot of shouting and naughty stepping. It's driving me crazy.
I know she's not a naughty girl but her little sister just seems to bring out the worst in her.
She can't stand sharing with her, whether it's me or her toys.
There's flashes of kindness but they never last long before she lashes out or screams at her.
Have tried a sharing and kindness reward chart but it didn't work and neither does praising the good stuff because there's not enough of that and I just can't ignore some of the bad behaviour.
Have heard that behaviour improves a lot at 4 so holding out for that...!

I'd recommend the 'Siblings without Rivalry' book. As containher says, if you can get past the sacharin tone, some of the strategies are very straightforward and useful. It's by the same women who wrote 'How to talk...' so same ideas, just more sibling focused.

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time!

FWIW my DD's (3 and 4) are best of friends nearly all the time. What's worked for us is to try to teach them empathy and to explain behaviour/consequences/feelings very clearly to them from the age of your DS's.

This means that when one is being nice to the other you don't praise as in saying "good boy", but in pointing out "look how happy you made your brother, he is smiling"; so the "reward" isn't selfcentered but learning that your actions have consequences and that it feels nice to make other people happy.

Likewise, when they fight etc. the "punishment" isn't selfcentered in form of naughty step, being told off etc, but a clear NO and then pointing out that the behaviour is hurting the other person, making them cry etc, possibly even explaining that they would be upset themselves if the brother was behaving like that towards them.

If things go pearshaped, the "worst punishment" in our house is that DD's are told to go in separate rooms and that they aren't allowed to play together until they can play nicely, thus the "reward" is to be allowed to play together.

Hope this makes sense and hope things get easier for you soon!

Also, regarding sharing - that is a very diffuse term for children. "You have to share" - what does that mean - who gets to have the toy now? I find that taking turns is much easier for them to comprehend - DD2 has the toy now, she got it first, in 5 minutes it's DD1's turn, then back to DD2 etc. pointing out that the sister and they themselves would be sad if never allowed to play with the toy.

My boys are 13 and 10 and have started to fight like never before. I have the book sibling rivalry, and will get it out and try not to batter them with it (Joke)! It is worst when they get in from school; as soon as they get through the door they are teasing and fighting and arguing. My oldest says that the youngest never gets in trouble, but by the time that I hear it is at the point when the oldest is punching or hurting him and i have to step in to prevent real hurt (or I think I do!).

I know that they are tired and hungry so i give them snacks and try to get tea ready asap, however when tea is on the table they use this as an opportunity for a full on fight and face pulling behind my back as soon as I look at my plate or get up to get something from the kitchen cupboard etc.

I have tried to persuade my 13 year old to do more with his friends after school but he is so disorganised and prefers to chat to them on the xbox. I know he needs to do more activity and that this could be boredom, but how do I get him to do this? He is still frightened of walking from the bus on his own and still wants me to stay with him at night till he goes to sleep (he has been like this ever since he was born).

Help and advice would be great thanks - but none of the "...my children have a wonderful routine, love each other and have always done their homework before eating a nutritious tea that they cooked themsleves before washing up and falling into bed exhausted and happy..." variety, thanks!

OMG, I have two boys 4 and 3 and it looks like I am going to endure the contant bickering for years ahead. I can't stand it. I understand that one child is so much easier, but I'm pleased I have two (most of the time). I wish there was an easy answer to this dilema.

I'm just looking for advice, my DD's are 9 & 6.

NewDKmum I think the reason your girls get on is because they are so close in age. The battles I'm facing with my 2 won't factor on your radar (lucky you!)

My DD1 is insanely jealous of DD1, she is constantly picking holes in her, telling her she is wrong. In the mornings they use the cereal boxes between them so they don't have to look at each other !

I am pulling my hair out with it, I'm worried that DD1 will shatter DD2's confidence & I very worried that as I spend most of my time brushing DD1 off, it's depleting her confidence. She says DD2 is annoying (for what, breathing ?)

I think I will buy the book...before I leave...

As "containher" says there is a book called "Siblings without rivalry" by Faber & Mazlish. If you make the effort to understand what they are talking about and put the sound advice into action the benefits will be humungous. If you like that try, "The Heart of Parenting" by John Gottman. These are both excellent books based on sound research. Empathy is the buzz word. Good luck I know it's not easy. Changing habits can be sooo difficult

Looks like I need to re-read the book then. I am an only child and find all the arguing painful. My husband who is a younger sibling says it's normal but i can see how damaging it is to both children. My youngest was in tears about it at school after he hit another boy - he broke down and told her how his brother makes him feel. Dysfunctional family obviously!

You seem down on yourself. Don't be disheartened I am sure you are a great person. Just be savvy. There's great stuff on TV too......supernanny etc. It takes time and it helps if hubby is on board too. Kind regards

Just re checked this post, thank you, how kind. things have improved a little, I think because a) it's a phase and b) DS 1 now has some big boy privileges that make him feel a bit more grown up so he doesn't feel he has to put his brother down...roller coaster or what!