Making an arse of things

[neepsntatties]

I feel I am making a total mess of things with ds who is 3. I just had another baby 3 weeks ago which is making everything worse.

I have not found a good way of dealing with ds when he doesn't do what he is told. I tend to just offer him a worse choice, so tonight it was him refusing to let me put his pyjamas on. I tell him he can let me dress him or no story. It does kind of work but feels really negative.

Food has also become a big issue. We often struggle to get him to eat anything. When he learned there would be another baby he started wanting us to feed him again, I thought it would pass but it didn't and we just do it as we want to make sure he eats.

He is being especially difficult at the moment because of the new baby and I am struggling to manage. He always decides he needs me when I am feeding his sister and can't move.

I really feel bad for him as I am not handling things well . Any advice on how to be a better parent to him?

Long response, sorry!!
Hi Neeps I feel your pain! My ds1 is just 3, ds2 is 11 weeks. While ds1 has been fantastic with his brother, his behaviour has deteriorated in other areas in recent weeks (our "flash points" are mostly around using the potty, getting dressed, getting shoes on, coming to the table etc). It's been so frustrating and like you I find myself getting into a negative cycle. So awful when this works and nothing positive seems to. Makes me feel like the shittest mother (although I'm not and neither are you!)
Last week I actually smacked ds1. I am so full of shame about it and anger at myself. ds had wet his pants despite me asking him to go to the potty dozens of times and him saying he didn't need to. He refused to put clean pants on, we were due out so I had to put ds2 down (who was crying, probably because I was yelling), I was trying to put his pants on for him, he squirmed away from me. I lost it and slapped him on the leg. I'm so disgusted with myself. Although some good has come out of it as it's forced me to take a look at my own behaviour and find new reserves of patience. Things have been a lot better this week.

I feel like an idiot offering advice when I'm hardly doing a great job myself. But I do think the relationship developing between my dcs has been a huge blessing. I try to constantly congratulate ds1 on being such a fantastic big brother but also let him be a baby when he needs to, like secondcoming said. My SIL bought this book by Joanna Cole for ds1, it's been a fantastic tool. He quotes lines from it all the time, saying "look at me, baby! I'm your big brother!" etc. He also has a baby doll of his own that he breastfeeds (hilarious), carries in an old scarf a sling and puts in a carrycot. He likes to lie under the baby gym with his little brother too.
How do you feel about your ds getting in baby's face, playing with him etc? I've found I have to really hold my nerve - I was constantly saying "careful! gently!" and pulling the baby away from him. But I realised I was setting up a conflict and that ds2 actually loves being mauled by his big brother, so I try to let them get on with it now.
I've also found that slowly but surely, taking a pride in being a big brother has made ds1 want to be a big boy in other ways too. So he has come a long way with potty training (above event notwithstanding!) he is trying new foods, making more effort to speak clearly etc.
I think, if I were in your shoes, I would be tempted to focus for the next week or so on encouraging your ds to be proud of his new role. Don't try to force him to be a big boy until he feels a bit more secure in his newly expanded family. Then in a little while start to make other "big boy" changes. Maybe buy him a new plate and cutlery set? (I got some lovely ones recently in Dunelm Mill - sharpish knife and fork but small and with animals on, just right for a 3yo). Tell him it's a special present because he's such a special big boy, who can show his sibling how big boys eat their dinner all on their own. Then reward with lots and lots of praise, stickers, smarties, whatever goes in your house.
As I said I feel pretty sheepish offering advice after my recent spectacular failures. But somethings are going really well for us so thought it was worth sharing them!

It's very common for children to regress when younger siblings arrive. My dd was just over 3 when her brother arrived and she went from a child who had been able to get dressed and undressed at 20 months to one who wouldn't even lift her arms up when I put her coat on.

I decided to go with it and she went back to her normal development after 6 to 8 weeks ish. It was very frustrating but I kept on reminding herself that it could be worse- she still went to the toilet and never showed hostility to the baby.

As for sounding negative- I say things like " let's go and do our teeth before we run out of time to read stories" which gets a positive response from my kids.

Thank you, I feel a bit less shit now and you've given great suggestions.

He likes to pretend to be a baby too so I will indulge him on that and I will get him new cutlery too, great idea. Really need to make myself focus on the positive. He's really a lovely boy and I feel like I have turned him into a horror.

Do your dc want played with all the time? I find this hard as I just can't do it. I always try to make sure I sit down with him at some point but it is hard to fit in with breast feeding and making sure we have food and clean clothes.

In the beginning, I had a sling for the baby so I still had 2 hands for looking after the older kids. Some slings are suitable for bf too. My Kari-me was a life saver. He was a colicky baby who hated the buggy but adored the sling and dosed on and off inside.

In the beginning dh took the older ones out at the weekend to do grownup things like swimming.

Just to update, things have been a bit easier, trying to get ds involved in what I am doing with dd as much as possible which he likes. I need to jolly him along a lot which cam be hard going, depends on how much sleep I have had!

excellent advice here!

congrats on the babe

i had a 2.8 gap between dc1 and dc2

i found CBeebies a marvellous intervention