Argueing in front of your children is it ok?

[kbaby]

DH and I disagree on this and I wanted others advise.
Dh says that we must never shout or argue in front of DD 16 months. If we want to argue we have to wait until shes in bed.
I on the other hand think it is fine to occasionally shout(im talking so far twice in 16 months)as long as DD knows that we make up after and in no way does she get frightened or anything.

I grew up in a house where my parents saved it. Once my mum came upstairs shouting down to my dad and I was petrified and cried.

I have been totally different with our DS. BUT recently me & DH had a row where I raised my voice and my little DS ran to the sofa and was really scared. We have argued since he was little (well I shout and DH looks at me and winds me up), but my DS(2) was really frightened this time and went on the sofa (it was bedtime) and that really worried me. So am trying to (prick DH with needles whilst asleep) instead of yelling.

no love, I think we both have subliminal delusions of grandeur

Nooka, I think our parents were right in a way. By not rowing in front of us, they were letting us grow & develop without dispute. Which is nice for a child.

But, these days most children have seen dispute and need to know how to resolve it???

forgot to add my parents, after their arguments, wouldn't speak for weeks. So (as an only child) I grew up in the house of atmosphere. I would always side with my mother & not speak to my dad so you can imagine the terrible atmosphere, cut it with a knife etc. I do now reget not speaking to my BTW

medea as you are aware you become possessed with anger ( I know the feeling) perhaps by noting the trigger points, you may be able to start of working on re-gaining control - think of one of those little angels women with the headset, feeding you the words to contain it. It does sound odd, but it does start to work

Me, I'll just continue to growl & work on DH not sparking off my temper ! (it's generally just him that does this to me)

actually undercover mum I really disagree. To grow up feeling that anger (and emotions in general) is something to be supressed is not healthy (even if it may be nice ). I'm not talking about the losing control sort of anger, just the showing someone else when you are upset. If you can't do it, you have a major communication problem, and you don't learn that it's OK to be angry - what matters is staying in control, and making up afterwards when you have sorted it out. So I think poor role modeling - especially when you are growing up as kids have a lot of frustration and should feel it's OK to express that before reaching boiling point. My mother, elder sister and I all suffer from stress related side effects at times, and I wish that supressing anger wasn't something that was so ingrained in me.

I'm with alot of others on here who say it depends what sort of arguing. If you are snapping at each other in moments of strain: eg. driving up and down looking for an address, then that is understandable and not too alarming as it passes very quickly.
However, some parental arguements are very frightening for children and really unhealthy. Awful slanging matches where viscious mean things are said about the other person - shouldn't be heard by anyone else, least of all children.
I also think that snidey put downs shouldn't be done in front of children as it suggests such an utter contempt and lack of respect for the other person at that particular time.
But I also think that complete repression of any dispute is wrong too. Surely it is good for children to see that adults can disagree about something and yet still work around the problem and find a compromise or solution.
My parents had a very fiery relationship with quite alot of really heated arguments; including throwing things at each other. Yet they are still together and have always been able to work their differences out.

My mum and dad didn't argue in front of us. But we could feel the nameless, frosty atmosphere.

They split up and I felt confused for years. They haven't talked to each other for over twenty years despite having three kids and 6 grandchildren in common.

DH's parents, on the other hand, screamed each other and had loud and heated arguments regularly. They also split up. It came as no surprise to their kids. They remain on good terms and in regular contact. My dh used to hate their rows though.

From our experience we've decided to go somewhere between the two. What rows we do have in front of them are tempered,

Surely arguing is natural, it's a natural way of showing that we are angry or dissapointed just as crying is ok because it shows that we are sad.

The main thing is that the children are also able to watch Mummy and Daddy resolve the issue and reach a compromise (although in our house this can sometimes take weeks )

When they venture out into the big wide world (which will happen as soon as they start school!)they will need to learn how to resolve conflict, it's a natural part of life.

And surely the sooner they learn that women are always right, the better ]grin]

my dh- his parents never argued...never got frosty...never showed affection to each other in front of the kids....

Needless to say when we met..he couldn't resolve disagreements..and ever time i got cross at him he thought I was going to dump him. He also used to fondle me inappropriateky in public...

He had no idea of how to express emotion or resolve conflict!!

I think kids need reality, emotion of all kinds and they need to see adults handeling their emotions appropriately.....

not abusively...by being too extreme either way...(silence or violence)

I would prefer it if my children didn't argue in front of me actually considering the headache I get..

Probably not recommended in all those parenting manuals you can read, but hey ho, that's life sometimes. Ok, I wouldn't like to let rip every five minutes in front of them, but you must have to have an iron will to find yourself heading into punch-up territory, then put on the brakes and say, 'you know what darling, lets have this argument later.' Then, 'Now..where were we..?'

just to add, I grew up with argueing. dh grew up very very over protected from anything ever being 'wrong' with the world. now actually his family are the ones with mega issues, his brothers have fallen apart when faced with 'crap' as they never saw any and thought life was indeed all roses. my parents fought too much, and got a nasty divorce and I wouldnt wish that on anyone,......but ironically, dh and his 'ideal waltons' family are much more messed up than mine. so i guess its a balance thing IMO, no threats or horrendous insults, but the children understanding life isnt all wondeful and that people disagree is a needed learning curve.
I think aiming not too, but not killing yourself over it if you do, is just plain normal and sensible.

I guess the flip-side to this thread is: Do you allow your children to argue with each other?

Regardless of age, my nine year old will quite happily bicker with my 3 year old! and to be hnest, I let them get on with it. I do keep an ear open and intervene when it gets out of hand, but its all good stuff IMO (though bloody irritating sometimes)

I bicker with my dh, he bickers with dd1, she bickers with dd2 who bickers with her twin and katie watches us all and bickers with the dog

LOL, I have friend with a 19 year old dd who argues with hr 4 year old cousin!!!

I think its good for children to see all is not a perfect and rosy world. my parents argued and I have a pretty healthy attitude to rowing. dh on the other hand's parents never rowed. no-one ever tells anyone what they think or feel, its all so perfect but of course it isn't its just bubbling under, festering. dh was terrible when we first met. every row we had he'd think we were splitting up. took me years to get him to row properly. but having said that it has to be the healthy rowing kind not the throwing things or really scary stuff and you have to make up quickly and let the ankle biters see it was just a row and now we're all friend again.

agree bosscat! (I personally love a good argument )

arguing is fine, shouting isnt