Argueing in front of your children is it ok?

[kbaby]

DH and I disagree on this and I wanted others advise.
Dh says that we must never shout or argue in front of DD 16 months. If we want to argue we have to wait until shes in bed.
I on the other hand think it is fine to occasionally shout(im talking so far twice in 16 months)as long as DD knows that we make up after and in no way does she get frightened or anything.

I think you should aim never to, but if you do occasionally, what the heck - like most parenting things, really!

I think most children would vastly prefer it if you didn't. But you are only human.

I thnk being unnaturally polite probably does worst damage. However whenever me and dh argue in front of 18 month old ds he smiles at us both cos he hates cross faces and then I feel like a crap mum

not if you can help it - but sometimes you just have to let rip

I think it does children no harm to occasionally see conflict and resolution, provided it's not too extreme or concerning the child, otherwise how will they learn to deal with conflict their own lives or future relationships.

When me and dh split last year we were rowing every day almighty ones and the little digs. We didn't want to do it in front of the kids but somehow it always worked out that they were there.
We went to relate and this was something we brought up with the counsellor and she said something along the lines that...providing that the arguments weren't violent or too aggressive and that we argue respectfully (no name calling) that it isn't the worst thing that they can be subjected to providing that they also see us solving the problem and making up.
We try not argue in front of them but if we do have a disagreement we try to resolve it there and then (not always realistic when were both funming) I always explain to the kids that just like they fall out and fight between themselves we do too but that it doesn't mean we don't love each other just that we disagree from time to time.

I think that it is disturbing for children whatever their age to see their parents arguing whether it is heated or not. Children are not equipped with adult emotions and it is unfair to subject a child to that.

I remember reading in a book written by an 'expert' that it's okay (obviously in his opinion anyway) to argue in front of your children (not shouting and screaming though I think) as it's important that they see that life isn't always a bed of roses and that sometimes people do disagree about issues. Also, he said it was important that children saw that you can fall out and then make up.

when i was little my mum and dad never argued in front of me and in some ways it did more harm than good, i am now very bad with conflict and arguements, i cant be in the same room as an arguement (when i was little and my dad and bro argued i used to cry even tho it was nothing to do with me) and i find it hard to get my point across.

children should see some confrontation to know how to deal with it and that things can be worked through, but if it is continual it could be damaging for them

If it's a big issue or an adult issue (like money) I would wait until the kids were in bed but we would sort out small disagreements in front of the children, no shouting, screaming or throwing things , just adult discussion and reasoning. That's the theory anyway.

Children pick up on atmosphere. So if you are both seething but have to wait to have the row until they are in bed, your kids aren't going to be in happy ignorance of the emotions around them - they will realise something is wrong. Better to have a row (within limits) and make up than leave them on tenterhooks all the time, IMO.

However, my parents had vicious, evil rows in front of us - the sort where you verbally throw everything you can possibly think of at the other person, dragging up history etc. etc. They would be so involved in this they wouldn't even notice me and my sister running from one to the other saying 'stop, stop'. I vividly recall this and it is horrible. They ended up getting divorced, which was awful for us at the time, but in the long run was far better than being subjected to more of these destructive rows.

If you set some ground rules, about keeping it within certain limits, I'd say the occasional row isn't the end of the earth, as long as they see you make up too. But only if you can keep it relatively civilised, not like my parents. I'd rather have an honest but not destructive row than parents who bitch at each other all the time and make snide remarks, like my in-laws used to. Dh used to avoid all conflict, as a result, didn't know how to have a row, just used to walk away from me, which used to drive me MAD. Had to teach him how to have a decent row!

Me and dp had a row on wednesday night, not huge but raised voices, i actually left for the night with ds and went to my mums to stay for the night, i really regret it all as the next day ds went to nursery and wet himself (which he has never done i must add) i blieve he did it because he was worried and was not sure what was going on at home (ds is 3) i will not row again raising y voice and i will never walk out again, i have learn't my lesson.

I think it is absolutely terrible! In fact that is the reason I don't have a partner, can't be stressing my poor dd out!

agree absolutely - there is arguing (i.e. disagreeing with each other/having a conflict which is then resolved) and having a stand up, abusive, screaming, uncontrolled row - the former is healthy and nt a problem, the latter is unacceptable.
If I feel it is likely to get a little control, I would say that as adults you must stop and wait till later. Otherwise it could be very upsetting.

Its best not to i suppose. We try not to. All about setting an example and how to resolve conflicts properly etc.

We often disagree more loudly than we should. Sometimes we have convoluted discussions that are us arguing but trying to mask it!

I dont think shouting in front of kids is a positive learning exercise for them though, i think they find it frightening or confusing.

Oh, this is close to the bone.
Yesterday mornng dp and I had a row that escalated v quickly out of nowhere. We thought ds was asleep - but he appeared on the stairs, watching. We both immediately stopped, and both explained that Mummy and Daddy were having an argument, but we knew we shouldn't shout like that and we were both sorry. He seemed ok, I think to a certain extent children are fine in the general areana that is human emotion, but you have to tell them when you know you have been in the wrong.

My parents argued constantly when I was a child & I HATED it. if I was in bed I would be woken up & creep into the hall & listen, or down the stairs.

DH & I do argue occasionally in front of DD & I really hate to do it, so grit my teeth & growl. I can see DD is wondering what is going on...so I try to avoid at all costs.

Just read the last 2 posts but I would agree wholeheartedly with both: Blu had done the text book and best scenario thing, if you can explain and apologise and stop in front of your child on the spot then it's ok - you are only human and it is healthy to demonstrate to children that conflicts can and do arise and can and are resolved.

I remember my parents not so much arguing but winding eacth other up expertly for sport and witnessing the hurt and vicious verbal attacks and then the ensuing tension. But the most confusing thing for a child was that it was all over when they had entertained themselves and out would come the smiles and a nice cup of tea with no resolution or remorse what soever, as thought I was an audience and curtian had fallen and the show over......'effed me up for years.... anyway I'll get up off the couch now and just leave you with the three Rs of arguing;
Reign it in immediately your child is aware of it
demonstrate that Resolution can be achieved and
show Remorse

I mean rein, not reign dont I, but it's very early and you get the message

I'm goimg to use and abuse this thread in a selfish manner;

last month my mother went in to hospital for a hip replacement, the mornign of the op she called in tears when I was out but didn't say why. Of course I called back as soon as I could, thinking she was fearful of the operation and wanted support. But no, oh no, no, no, not my mother. She had called to let me know that she had wound up my caring and supportive father because she was anxious, to the extent that he had snapped and turned on her and was refusing to driver he to hospital and could I have a word with him.I told herthat I had left home 19 years ago and left the hemisphere the year before and that I knew for certain she had created this tension her self and could she stop passing it on to me. Of course one hour later got an email telling me everything was splendid again and she could handle my father and how was the weather?

I have offloaded this to show you that if you don't change your ways re arguing, then the pattern never dies and your children will move to the other side of the world to avoid you.

I think that it is probably quite good to show your children that you are only human, and that at times you disagree. Heated discussions are not a problem, but losing control is. My parents never ever argued in front of us, in fact I am not sure that they ever argued in that way at all, although I do remember my mother shouting at us. However they did do terrible silences, and I absolutely hated that. It is one of the reasons that I find it very hard to cope with conflict now, it makes me very very anxious. My parents very rarely let their emotions out at all, so we never got to see them make up either. I have had two massive rows (with neighbours) in front of my children, and they certainly remember them! But what they remember is that mummy was very upset (they wanted to comfort me) and I don't think it traumatised them very much (this was a couple of years ago), mainly because I was very calm and apologetic with them very shortly after (and gave them lots of hugs and reasurance). I do feel bad about it, but these things happen. On the other hand my dh and I had a row a couple of weeks ago, and the result was that he moved out because he was so ashamed at rowing in front of the children. I think that children will see anger, sometimes it will be directed at them, sometimes they will just observe it. If they have seen their parents get angry and then make up, perhaps they will be more confident that it will be OK in other circumstances. Obviously if it gets nasty thats another matter.

I like suzy's little piece, but the only thing I would say is that if you always save your rows for when the children are asleep, and then let it rip, how do you know they are not aware of it? It might start off quiet, but these things escalate, and I'm sure that many children lie in bed worrying about things they have overhead, but don't feel they can tell you about. If you don't know that they know, then you can't comfort them if they need it.

It depends on the kind of arguing.

I remember when my parents were splitting up sitting on the stairs and crying, and boy did they shout at one another. I was 10 and even started wetting the bed because I thought it was all my fault.

I left my partner 11 weeks ago and one of the reasons I cited was that I didn't want our son to grow up watching his parents tearing lumps out of each other and scoring cheap points in a game of one-upmanship that would never be won. I don't want my son to grow up thinking that's the way relationships are, because a normal, loving relationship isn't always like that. Sure, grown ups argue, but they also make up.

Ideally disagreements should be discussed calmly and constructively but that isn't always the way. I guess if you reassure your child that mummy and daddy still love each other then it's not the worst thing that could happen.

I've heard that it really is not OK--that it really damages them. That said, I am the worst and I become almost "possessed" with anger sometimes and I cannot seem to reign it in. But I see the terrible effect it has on the kids, especially on my sensitive eldest, and it's the number 1 thing I'd like to change about myself as a parent.

Suzy, you're messing up my spelling!