4 yr old saying b*ll*cks

[skewiff]

I am very ashamed about this. But when my son was little and could not speak I used to say this word occasionally. I'm not a big swearer - but he has mild cerebral palsy and we've been under a lot of stress with physio and other therapies to pack into the day.

DS did not speak until after 2. No words at all. And after that it was very slow coming and unclear, so I suppose I felt less guarded than I should have done.

As soon as he said it the first time - I never said it ever ever again - and the first few times it was unclear - as he couldn't say lots of letters.

But he loves saying the word and it comes out all the time when he can't do something or he is cross etc

I have said to him 'where did you get that from' and he replies 'from you'.

So I say 'mummy doesn't say that word anymore, she says bother instead', but he just laughs and says to me 'but I say bollocks'.

We are now saying to him if you say that word we will take your toys and put them in the cupboard upstairs. Not acted on it yet, as only just instigated it.

Is this too harsh? Its all my fault ...

Yup, consequence with no big reaction is my gut instinct. So take a toy and say quietly 'please don't say that ds, it's not nice'.

Also, maybe try giving him another word to say. my dd (and ds 2.5 ) say 'oh, smelly poo pants!' which is still a bit 'naughty' and needs teaching about context - ie not at school!- but is a bit more age appropriate. I started saying it in a big OTT voice when I rolled a 1 in a board game, or when I dropped something...

PS I swear a lot. And no real excuses, just day-to-day life with two/now three dc. I am trying not to... Don't feel guilty, there are far worse things you could do.

Ok. Thank you Adair.

I think you gave me some advice before which worked with something else.

The no reaction bit - is what we are not doing, so I'll definitely include that from now on.

I've tried giving him another word - but again not quite in the same way. I haven't done the OTT voice thing and in context - just told him to say a different word, or suggested - and that hasn't worked at all.

Thank you for these good ideas.

Oh dear - I remember when my DS's favourite word was bugger - also around that age. I made the BIG mistake of laughing when he first said it and it went on and on - usually in the most inappropriate places (e.g. the library). Ignoring is the best way to go - or give him a new word, said with as much emphasis and vigour as possible, you could try 'blast' or something stupid like 'fiddlesticks'. Good luck

TBH half your OP is unnecessary guilt tripping on your part, lots of us swear round our children, and you probably have way more cause than most!

DD1 loves to say crap. All the time. I have managed to get her not to say it outside the house with removal of toy/no snack/treat etc if she says it again but every so often she mutters it to herself (much as I do). I am doing what Adair is doing and saying 'knickers' as much as possible, and then oopsing myselkf Iyswim.

Don't beat yourself up, there are far worse thigns he could be saying!

I can't help. My very sweet girl used to say bollocks with perfect timing and tone when she was four. I never got to hung up on it. Children hear profanity everywhere including the coffee shop ds2 and I were in this morning. Any sense that a word has any kind of frisson will guarantee that they use it over and over and over.

The more you fret and punish, the more power you give to a word which is a bit daft really.

And his sn has nothing to do with this. Ds2 has echolia alongside his autism yet the stress of him did not cause any extra profanity or copying - dd picks up rude words much more quickly and I have much fewer stresses. She is just on to it quicker. Some children are.

Stop worrying about it. Just shrug and ignore and he will stop using it. Or if you react at all then just say ' well that is a bit if a silly word and I don't really like hearing you use it.'

You are angsting way to much.

Yes - we've actually made it much worse just today by focussing on it. DS is now saying 'the word' over and over obsessively.

I had been ignoring it, but DH decided we had to do something about it this morning and went in a bit too heavy handedly.

I mentioned the fact that DS has cerebral palsy just because I have been obsessive over therapies and fitting them all in during the day. If the video machine was not working I'd get really stressed and say bllcks because we had to fit in stretches before oxygen therapy etc. I'm just not normally a swearer so it definitely (for me) was connected to DS's CP - which is why I feel so bad I suppose.

Weirdly DH is a real swearer and DS has not yet copied anything he says and DH is much less careful.

Thank you for all your stories. They made me chuckle and I will try to relax about the whole thing.

Only one rude word at age four? You're doing well. Mine delight in listening out for any word that sounds even remotely rude. They even optimistically think "pus" and "phlegm" are swear words - and ask for my opinion on the level of rudeness achieved by saying them. The tricky one is when I am asked how rude "cod's sake" and "pucking" are. Should I tell them the correct pronunciation??...

DD said oh FFS once, me and DH were in stitches. Wrong thing to do. She obsesively used that word for a couple of weeks. Once she realised that we weren't going to react she stopped.
She started say bollocks too, she then heard someone on CBBC say bumcakes and adopted that instead.
Could you steer your DS toward that? Same number of syllables and it really is a brilliant word.

Well ... a few weeks later - and things are not really improving much.

We've had the inlaws over this weekend and DS has been saying his now small collection of words obsessively and shouting them in the street.

They are always in some sort of disguise - he kind of changes them into something slightly different or makes his mouth a different shape so they come out differently. Then he's been saying to me 'why doesn't Nana tell me not to say those words?' and I have to say "because she doesn't know that you're saying them".

I got really cross with him last week - he pushed me over the edge with it all. And then he wasn't very well and I don't know what the reason was but last week he didn't say them that much.

But after this weekend I can't see him ever ever growing out of it and I'm DREADING the moment nursery tell me he's started it there.

Help!!!

sorry ...

Just re-reading all your previous posts -

Ignoring it is not working with DS at all. He is the sort of child that loves to push buttons and get a reaction. Which would suggest that ignoring it might be the best policy. However he has sort of got this obsession about saying the words over and over again in all sorts of ways. ALL day. Well, only if we are at home at the moment. Although today with the inlaws was the first time he'd done it whilst we were out.

We said that marmalade was a good word to say. But now he says marmalade over and over again all day spattered with all the 'not nice' words and then spends the whole day asking me if he can say this word and that word. They are usually words like 'ridiculous' or 'chimney sweep' as well as swear words.

I feel like he's suddenly gone into an obsession over words. He used to be really good at talking to himself and telling stories, but the whole day is just stuck on what he can and can't say at the moment. In my most stressed out moments I feel like this is going to really block the rest of his cognitive development.

Sorry this is a real spurge of worry. I'm not that worried. But really feel I could be doing something more to move us forward with this.

Thank you.

Oh dear, i have no advice im afraid but just wanted to say dont be too hard on yourself! We have all done it, we all swear at times. Im SURE he will grow out of it in time. I do feel for you though, must be very hard to deal with!

Yesterday i did 3 loads of washing as it was sunny so wanted to put it out on the line. I looked out of the window and noticed my line was snapped so shouted "BOLLOCKS!" a few seconds later my little 14 month old DD shouted "Buyod" !!! Time to watch what we are saying i think

I think it is a phase - I swear more than I should and both my kids have been through the 'shit' and 'bollocks' phases and both have now stopped and replaced with other words.

Dd2 (3) then had a phase of saying proudly, and very loudly, "we don't say SHIT anymore, we say SUGAR!" to anyone who will listen. I ignore her and carry on and she gives up.

Do you think he might be better if you let him say it once, really loudly, ten times, under the promise that he'll stop afterwards?

bumcakes is an excellent word. I also like poobumhead.

Thank you - made me laugh - yes perhaps will try letting him saying it 10 times really loudly -

I actually got very cross yesterday as my dad and stepmum came over and DS was really testing me and them with all the words. I was exhausted by the end of the day.

DS was really upset and then I talked to him about how we have to do something about this and asked him what we should do. He said that he needed to get the words out of his mouth with a stick. We were sat in the dark in his bedroom and I said to imagine that he was getting the words out with a stick - which he did. Then I asked him where we should put them and he said 'out of the window' So we opened the window and he threw them at a van.

As he was going to sleep he said that the van was taking them to other babies to put the words in their mouths. But I said it was better that it took them to the rubbish tip.

Today has been better. He's tested me a little bit - we'll see how it goes ...

What an excellent metaphor!! Sounds like he realised that he may have tested it enough and it was making you upset, bless him. Lol @ putting the words into the babies mouths!

Alright - so the swearing has stopped in my company and reduced overall ...

But it returned with a vengeance at the weekend when DH was at home - for some reason ...

AND today when a friend came to play. It was all about impressing the other little boy and making him laugh - according to my son and from what I could see.

Luckily the one word that DS used OVER and OVER again was in some form of disguise or other. I don't think the friend understood or picked up on it.

I threatened to get the friend's mum to come and collect her son (which didn't seem fair as it was my DS who was being naughty) - and every time DS would stop and then start again 10 minutes later.

Have explained why its not appropriate in the company of friends ie parents will not want DS to play with their children if he's teaching them rude words. But DS is still insisting that it made his friend laugh.

I've said it was the sounds that made the friend laugh and he didn't understand the actual word - but not sure its really sunk in!

Does any one have any advice on curbing a 4 year old from teaching his friends swear words/ impressing them/ showing off etc ????

Unfortunately, both me and DH are swearers. Most of our friends don't have children and I come from a 'sweary' family so can't be helped. Also think we both enjoy it quite a lot, especially a bit of creative swearing.

DD1, DS and now DD2 all swore occasionally, DD2 seems to see Waitrose as the perfect profanity arena. After a while they run out of friends to tell/ the friends get bored of it. Just see the humour in it!

"Swear" word of choice from 4 and 5 yr olds round here is " oh BONKERS" said with exactly the same force as an adult might say bollocks... makes me smile. Lots of them use it, guess its going round the class at school.

My 3YO has said "piss off" about 3 times over the past month...so 'matter-of-factly' and completely in context as to boot.

I realised he's picked it up from my sister who often says it in a jovial way to her dog when he is going bonkers for treats..."oh piss off Giz!"

He's also said "shit" before now and regularly copies my milder expression, stuff like "for crying out loud", "for gods sake", "blinkin' Nora" and "blooming eck"...

I think it's perfectly normal for them to pick up the occasional sweary word/expression of exasperation...but the key is ensuring that they don't get a rise out of you.