Shy child = bad mum? Need some advice.

[Sufi]

My DS1 is a very chatty, very bright 3 yr old. He's not shy around adults (holds his own very well!) and is the usual bossy toddler with me and his close friends. But he is really, really shy around other children. He struggles in big groups, gets paralysed by shyness when children he doesn't know are around (even when his friends are in the same room), and it took him months to settle into nursery (even now he doesn't like it). He's just not one of those little boys who leaps in; instead he stands on the edges - although he is getting better at joining in once he's 'thawed' out a bit (he used to demand to go home/refuse to join in at all, so that's something).

Thing is, I struggle with his shyness as I was quite shy as a child and was bullied as a result. I can't help but 'project' that onto him & it kills me to see him being shy as I automatically assume it's a bad thing and that it'll result in him being bullied when he's older. Is this the case, or is it OK to be shy? He's so confident in other areas of his life... but I'm just not sure how best to support him through it. I'm also beating myself up about it as I feel like I've 'given' him my shyness, even though I'm not really shy any more! So on top of everything I feel like a crap mum & just don't know what to do for the best. Can anyone help?? Sorry for the long post.

I feel the same sometimes. DS1 very similar. As was I.

But you're not a bad mum. Just be supportive. As you are being.
If you've 'given' him shyness, you've probably given him lots of wonderful things, too.

But I do sympathise. And empathise. I struggle with this too.

Sorry not too helpful, but wanted to bump for someone wiser!! :)

You're not being a crap mum at all.

I suffered from crippling shyness until I went to university. My Mum was a great mum, and my Dad credits her with making my sister and I high-achievers. (I was bullied BTW, so can understand your anxiety.)

My DD is 2.6 and goes to nursery 3 days a week, can be the life and soul of the party (and very very bossy) but likewise takes time to warm up in a group, prefers playing with one other child 1:1, and often takes herself off into the book corner to read for a while when she needs quiet time. She also has days when she doesn't want to leave the house or see anyone except me!

I am also worried for my DD and part of the reason for sending her to nursery was to try to ensure she is more confident than I ever was. My DH is a complete extrovert, very sociable. I think my DD is a mix of the two of us, depending on the circumstances, but may tip one way or the other later in childhood/puberty.

Some of us are introverts and some of us are extroverts (ever done Myers-Briggs testing? I did it in my former career. Might be worth taking a look online). Introverts like us need quiet time by themselves in order to stay sane and digest the events of the day. Extroverts get their energy from being around other people. And there are people who are somewhere in the middle of the scale. Successful companies and teams need a mixture of people in order to be successful.

Even if your DS remains more of an introvert, that's probably just his nature.
I imagine he'll make a wonderful, kind, sensitive husband/partner to someone one day!

About Myers-Briggs:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers_briggs

I have done this test twice in a work environment and once when having some counselling. It helped me to know myself better and to understand others. My DH also did it at work once, we read each others' test results and it helped us with our relationship too.

Might help you to understand your DS?

Thank you both, and also PukeyMummy for the info on Myers-Briggs. Your DD sounds exactly like my DS & I put him in nursery 3 days a wk for the same reason!

I know part of my problem is just that - mine - and my DH doesn't see it as anything to worry about. Looking at the Myers-Briggs info, DH is def. introverted (he likes time alone), and he sees it as a good/normal thing. He was never bullied, so I guess that puts a different slant on it. I'm somewhere in the middle I guess.

I just want the best for DS - being bullied has stayed with me my whole life, even though it happened when I was 9 or 10, and I would hate him to go through something similar. Equally, I don't want to make an issue out of him being shy, so just not sure how to support him without making a big deal of it...

I think a lot of it is down to personality and genetic traits rather than shyness rubbing off on them. Low self esteem and lack of self confidence however can, IMO, be projected onto a child.

I'm a naturally shy person and always have been. Like you I was an easy target for bullies from a young age and its impacted my entire life. My mum's own self esteem issues prevented her from being able to support me effectively (and my dad's a bit useless at dealing with emotional stuff).

I think that's it, Seaweed: my mum has terribly low self-esteem and that rubbed off on me (my dad was emotionally absent, for want of a better description!), & I suspect this was why I was bullied.

I've had lots of therapy and have worked hard to give DS the emotional grounding I never had - but now I'm wobbling a bit & thinking that it's not worked & I'm no better than my own mum. I want him to have a 'core' of self-confidence/self-belief that I didn't get until my 30s, as I know that if he has that he'll be able to withstand anything... just wondering whether I've done enough, IYSWIM.

well done for getting conselling.
my mum did, too.
both of them were incredibly suuportive, i never worried about telling them ANYTHING, and they akways managed to make me feel i was worth 'something' (and special and loved).

i had times at school where i didn't feel as 'in the group' as i wanted to be.
but i was never bullied.

i've often wondered why not, actually! i was a prime candidate:
bright, 'teachers pet', 'posh' compared to the other pupils (i wasn't! i just stuck out cos i wore sensible shoes, did music, and had less regional accent as parents not originally from where i grew up)

i think it's partly cos they helped me love myself, even if i thought no one else did.

that;s what you can do
and it sounds like you will, too. :)

sorry... just re-read this and realised i sound really patronising saying 'well done' about counselling!!
i just mean.. it really helped my mum!! (who is naturally fairly shy and a bit down on herself at times...)

and the 'posh' and 'teachers pet' things were what i got called... (it just never progressed to actual bullying, thank goodness)

I'm not saying my mum was a "bad mother" BTW! She wasn't, she just had issues and later suffered from depression.

Interestingly my sister, who is very close to me in age, although quiet and reserved, has never suffered from shyness or low self-esteem like me. I think that's down to different personalities plus having different experiences outside the home.

Thanks Picc - my DH says the same, that we can give him enough love to get him through. He does talk to me - he can tell me he's feeling shy - and I'm really pleased that he can at least articulate how he's feeling. I never did as a child, used to hide away how I felt and felt ashamed. I suspect it's that internal shame that bullies pick up on.

And Seaweed: my mum's not a bad mother either - so don't worry! She drives me mad but she did her best. It's just a shame she never sorted out her issues and still suffers from them now.

Thanks everyone for this. It's so hard; I really worry about being a good mum and protecting DS from the hard times I went through.

I'm coming from a different perspective. Wasn't shy myself, but DS is/was and Dh was/is. So I'm very aware of it being an issue, but have worked hard and researched a lot to help and work on i with DS.

There's a previous thread here, that I found very useful. here

Key thing I did in the end was working on how to make friends himself, literally what to say, role playing a bit but going to different places and learning to say my name is xxxxxxxxx to another child

Sorry wanted to add, that social skills aren't inherant. Some are natural socialisers, but others need to learn it to one degree or another. No shame in that and easier to help them when they're young just learn how to make friends. Also important I think to show you child how you cope with situations.

Also the thread I suggested is now two years ago or so and extra thing I have done is remove the "label" of shy. It started to feel like through developing it was used sometimes, by him, as an excuse to be rude. We've worked hard since that post to learn that you just say hello/thank you to granny or child or whoever when they say hi or give you something. I've been explicit with DS that it's the best way to deal with the situation quickly and get the person off your back, or to not have to live in the uncomfortableness of the moment.

Good luck!