how to reassure 3 year old ds about nightmares

[rodformyownback]

DH and I have inadvertently given mixed messages when trying to reassure DS who had his first nightmare last night. I hope we haven't made things worse!

DS aged just 3 woke up early this morning crying and wanting to be cuddled. He told us he had seen a dragon "it was in here, it was getting bigger and bigger. He wants to eat me all up!". Poor mite, it would have been funny but he was so frightened!
I said something along the lines of "don't you worry, that dragon can't hurt you. Go away, dragon!" DH chimed in with "DS, when you dream, it's not real. The dragon can't hurt you because it's pretend".

We didn't have time to discuss our different approaches today. But DS started crying at dinner time and said "is the dragon coming back tonight?" I just held him and told him everything was OK, and stayed with him til he was asleep when I took him up to bed.

Any advice on what is the best approach in future? My immediate thought was that at just 3 DS is too young to understand that his dreams are not real, and it would be best to teach him to get rid of any imagined threats (one of my first memories is of my mum throwing a dreamed-up crab out of the window that had followed us back from holiday!). DH thought it was more important to help him understand that that dragon was not real. Which is more appropriate given DS's age? Or are we both way off the mark? Help please!

bumping myself, should post at a reasonable hour!

My DW complained that a pirate ship kept coming into her room at night. She was probably about 4 at the time.

I found a picture of HMS Victory on the Internet. I stuck it on her wall, and said that HMS Victory would chase off the pirate ship. It worked like a charm.

I think in your situation I'd be looking for a picture of St. George!

I didn't bother trying to explain that dreams weren't real, because they seemed real enough for her. As she's got a bit older, she's worked that out for herself.

My DD is very almost 3 and has scary dreams too - I think she does understand the not real or pretend concept (she does a lot of imaginative play "making" cakes and tea, etc and gets that that is pretend).

We talk about the dreams as not real, can't hurt you, just try to wake up or tell the "monster" or monkey to go away. She still needs a cuddle sometimes at night but I think she understands and calms down more quickly now.

I hope you find a method that works for you're DS.

We just tell DS1 that no matter how scary the dream felt Daddy and Mummy will always look after him and be here to protect him.

That seems to work for us. I don't know if he thinks his dreams are real or not, or whether his dragons (he dreams of dragons too) could be chased away by a friendly knight. He's quite literal minded, so we find that reassurance that he's safe with us is the best route.

Funny, it's dragons with us too. We have a song we sing together, partly to get her thinking about something else, and partly comfort as it's one of her favourites. I think in the cold light of day I have talked with her about dreams not really being there, but seeming very real. At 3am I don't think that's really the point, as it seems very vivid to her, so I emphasise that she's safe and we love her and we sing together. Usually works, occasionally I've climbed into bed and cuddled her to dozing again if she's really distressed. Now (about 6 months after they started) I think she knows all that but still likes the cuddle so does cry out rather than just go back to sleep! It doesn't happen often enough any more for me to stress.

If my boys have bad dreams I get them to blow them into an imaginary balloon which we then tie and let it float away out of the window.

Ds1 who is now 11 still talk of it, and the blowing calms their breathing down as well.

I've started to sign Puff The Magic Dragon to DS1 to give him happier mental images of dragons (but only the first two verses, because I can't sing the last two without sobbing, soft cow that I am).

thanks so much everyone who's posted. Pompotty like your DD our DS plays imaginatively so does, in the cold light of day, know roughly the difference between the real and the imaginary. Like you say though, itsatiggerday, can't imagine that makes much difference at 3am though! Sounds like just reassuring him he is safe with us is enough at this stage. He didn't have the dream again last night and has gone down fine tonight.

Funnily enough CinnabarRed we have recently started singing Puff at bedtime, so will have to stay away from it for a while I think (along with Room on the Broom!). I'm a soft cow too - it's the green scales falling like rain that gets me! I used to cry every time I heard it as a kid, because I thought that Jackie Paper had died, rather than gone off to play with his Nintendo DS (or mid 80's equivalent - Commodore 64?)

We had endless nights of running into our room after bad dreams. We just brought in one of the cats to the end of his bed so he had assurance he wasnt alone. Not ideal but it worked until we bought a "dream catcher" and said any bad dreams will be wisked away to the fairies. No more problems soooo far lol

Bizarrely, my DS age 3, has just been telling me that he has a dragon in his dream
But he isn't scared.
I read somewhere that the advice is not to brush it under the carpet, but try and give him something to defend himself. e.g daddy won't let the dragon get you, he will fight it, or mummy will protect you, or go away dragon, don't come back.

in Shrek, the dragon turns out to be friendly, maybe he could watch that?! or find a friendly dragon book, might be a bit gentler!
or they defeat the dragon in "room on the broom"