Please help! DD (7) is testing me

[Sexonlegs]

Hi. I am hoping someone may be able to help!

DD1 who will be 8 in May, has always been "spirited". Some may say, challenging!!

However, she has got a lot better.

However, we are still having issues.

For example, she was due to start swimming lessons again yesterday having not done them for 2 years. As soon as she came out of school she was yelling that she didn't want to go, and when we got home, his in a cupboard and was hysterical.

This morning, she put on some new school trousers and they were a little bit loose on the waist but fine everywhere else. She went ballistic. Refused to get dressed, screaming that she hates me and wishes I was dead etc etc.

Then, 10 mins later as we start walking to school she takes hold of my hand as if nothing has happened.

I am at my wits end. She seems 2 have 2 sides to her, and I cannot manage her at all.

Thoughts? Tia.

Anyone??

People's children do things like this all the time !
I often wonder why parents get so worried about stuff like this - She is being a drama queen. Just don't overreact, don't reward her behaviour.
I was so busy when my DD was young I didn't have time for her behaving like this so I didn't tolerate it. I didn't sit there wondering what was wrong and what to do.

Sorry to sound harsh but I really don't understand why an adult should be worried about incidents like this.

Its not an issue if you don't make it one - Kids do not behave nicely all the time - its up to you to decide what is and what is not acceptable - and let her know it.

I'm sure Davsmum is right but it still doesn't change the fact of how awful it makes YOU feel when she's behaving like that to you at the time and for much longer afterwards when she seems blithely unaware/unconcerned by the fact.

She is tho' I'm sure, just testing and will behave like this only more so if she sees how much it winds you up because even subconsciously it gives her a sense of power to have such an effect.

You say you can't manage her but give yourself credit - her hand in yours shows she loves and appreciates you even if she didn't show it 10 mins earlier.

I'm sure you're doing this but don't get mad, don't let her wind you up and whatever consequences there are make sure they hurt her not you. My dd is only 3 but she went through a phase of kicking off about what she'd wear to nursery (I don't ever remember having such a powerfully acute fashion sense at that age, in fact I'm ashamed to say I still don't). I started the dressing process earlier so we had time to deal with the rows with as many time outs as it took, and if we were going even beyond that time I threatened loss of tv that evening if I had to ask her again. It only took one night for her to know I meant it.

I might apply that sort of sanction to her telling me she hated me and things like that as well - your daughter is old enough to kow she cannot speak to you like that. But sometimes it might be said as an understandable letting off of steam because you've won the bigger battle iyswim, in which case I might turn a blind eye.

Trust your instincts, hang on in there, it's all a phase...

There is nothing wrong with a child telling you they hate you - its normal and their way of expressing that they are angry.

When my daughter said she hated me, I used to say 'Well,I love you,but I think you are very angry with me and we need to find out why so we can make it better'
(That didn't mean giving her her own way btw)

I don't agree there's nothing wrong with it - it's of course not anything to worry about and of course it isn't meant, and it's absolutely normal and as I implied in my last post a way of letting off steam.

But it is still something they need to learn not to do as you can't shout at a boss or a child of your own "I hate you" in later life so the sooner you learn it isn't acceptable behaviour the better.

And I would have thought from your daughter's perspective when you said you "needed to find out why..." if it wasn't obvious why she hated you she must have thought you singularly obtuse Davsmum.

The child will say whatever it is that will have the most effect. By not making it into an issue and by telling her I loved her she stopped using the 'I hate you' rant.
She didn't grow up saying it all the time and then saying it to other people !

I doubt a child under 5 found me obtuse - My daughter would calm down and we would talk about why she was angry ( because sometimes it is not always bloody obvious why !!!!) and I was able to explain to her what I expected from her behaviour - This included her NOT being rude.