Need advice on helping shy toddler make friends

[wolfhound]

This morning, DS (3.4) said to me 'I don't want to go to nursery. None of the boys and girls talk to me.'
Made me feel very sad. He is non-stop talkative at home/with grandparents/relatives etc. and very bossy with his little brother :) But he is shy with other children. I suggested to him that he tries talking to them first. Tho' I can imagine if he doesn't get a good response quickly, he'll be discouraged.

Does anyone have any tips? Or any good books they can recommend. Would like to address it before school age.
Thank you!

What about inviting one of the boys or girls at nursery round to your house with their mum/dad. This worked well for my dd when she was 3.

DS1 (nearly 4) is also shy around other children in big groups, whether at parties or pre-school.

He's hit it off amazingly with one other boy at pre-school, and they are inseparable, but whenever I ask him about other children there he says he doesn't like them, doesn't know them, and is scared of them.

So I know that he can make friends, but I'm not sure how he's going to cope when he goes to school in September.

His pre-school doesn't seem to think it's a problem, but they can see that he's happy with his best friend there; I would like him to feel more comfortable getting to know other people.

Have you spoken to your DS's nursery about it?

I spoke to his keyworker this morning, ttalloo - she says that he always seems happy at nursery but is usually pottering around by himself / talking to one of the staff. I think that has been his usual pattern (he's been there for a year) but now he's getting a bit older, he's getting more aware of friendships between other children and that he's somehow not involved. He's recently moved up to the 'older group' as well, which is probably part of it. His keyworker said they would try getting him involved with one or two of the other quieter children as well.

Simic - yes, there is one girl at nursery whose mum I'm friendly with and we have them round to play (DS also goes swimming in the same class as her) but DS is quite reluctant to play 'with her' when they come round, so they end up each doing their own thing.

wolfhound, do you have any friends with boys of a similar age to your DS? He might feel more comfortable getting to know a boy who's interested in the same things that he is so that they have something in common.

Yes, we have quite a few friends with boys around the same age (though not from nursery) - again, DS tends to play 'in parallel' rather than together. He actually plays more easily with older children, like his cousins (6 and 11) and other friends' children, perhaps because they make more overt effort to include him. Writing it down now like this, I'm thinking that perhaps the problem is that he doesn't know how to make overtures to other children, or how to join in with them. He is quite bossy about how he likes to play his games, and gets upset when other children want to play differently to his idea of how it should be done.

To me it actually sounds quite normal. Kids of this age find it easier playing with older children who make the overtures. When dd was 3 and started at nursery she also only played with the older kids because they played with her... But, I have observed at our nursery that the boys often do take longer to find a good friend than the girls. But, they have all done eventually. The bossiness issue and accepting other children´s ideas of what and how to play is more tricky though, I think. I know older children (by chance both girls) who have this problem. I don´t know if there´s something you can do to help them - maybe modelling to them ... you getting down on the floor and playing with him and a friend and showing how to join in a game that someone else is leading (not him!)???

Don't worry, my son was like this at this age, then 6-12 months or so later he is much more confident at making new friends.

I would suggest you try to make friends with a parent or two with a boy his age at the nursery and then get them over for a play-date. Also don't worry if they do their own thing for a while- once they get used to each other/get a bit older they'll start playing together.

Thanks all for your help. Simic, yes will try the modelling behaviour. Actually, I think I'll get DH to do it (I suspect DS gets his bossiness gene from me...) since he's good at that. Tgger, will see if I can befriend parents of boys. I'm not the best at the school-gate befriending. I guess if I find that difficult, it's not surprising DS finds making friends with the boys hard too!