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Original poster

Violent child? I'm at my wits end :(

25 replies

stressedanddepressed · 15/02/2011 20:47

Namechanged.
Really hope someone can be of help here as I really am at the end of my tether now Sad

I have a 2 year boy, he is the most unbelievably violent child imaginable.
He has been treated with nothing but love, i never took him to playgroup because i didn't want him to pick up bad habits.
I now can't take him to playgroup/nursery etc because he would beat the shit out of the other kids Sad

He has his moments of great affection but then he will headbutt you or hit you afterwards.

I know the twos are challenging but he hits, pinches, kicks, pushes, punches and throws things at you whenever he doesn't get his own way or something happens that he doesn't like like a nappy change. Sometimes for no reason at all. Like when dp was playing with him and he for no reason threw the blocks at his face. Sometimes he will come to you like he wants a kiss then headbutt you.

He does the opposite of everything you tell him and is unbelievably disobedient.

I tried shouting at him, the 3 warnings, time out, putting him the travelcot explaining why, hitting him back, ignoring him. Nothing seems to work.

I'm so stressed and miserable. I'm actually considering seeing a child psychologist?

His behaviour can't be normal?
Sad

OP posts:
Memoo · 15/02/2011 20:55

It sounds extreme but within the realms of normal. Toddlers can be full of frustration and have really explosive moods.

Memoo · 15/02/2011 20:59

Posted too soon.

Don't hit him back, by doing that you are reinforcing the bad behaviour. Decide on a method a stick to it. Don't chop and change. These things sometimes take time to work. Be firm and consistent and as hard as it is try to stay calm, even if that means walking away from him until he calms down.

Original poster
stressedanddepressed · 15/02/2011 21:01

I didn't want to hit him Sad
I just got so desperate because nothing else seemed to work.
We stuck with the warning then putting in the travel cot for about 3 weeks to no avail.

How much time?

I've never known a child like him..

OP posts:
fattybum · 15/02/2011 21:02

sounds very much like my ds1 used to be like. I also thought there was something wrong with him as i couldnt take him anywhere without him hurting another child, often unprovoked. I often ended up in tears, and once phoned parentline about him hitting me. i was very depressed and thought i couldnt cope. He was also disobedient. Now at 4.8 he's MUCH better. Still can be a pain like all 4 year olds, but much more average and rarely brings me to tears.

Looking back, we tried to be too strict and didnt do enough ignoring, distracting and noticing the positive. A good book to read is playful parenting. Please dont despair, you are not alone!

Original poster
stressedanddepressed · 15/02/2011 21:09

That is what my ds is like and exactly how i feel.
It is reassuring that yours seemed to have grown out it, I will give it a read thank you Smile

OP posts:
QueenBathsheba · 15/02/2011 21:12

Hi Stressed, Is he your first child?

I remember so well wondering what the hell had happened to my life with DS1. He was a bright but challenging child from day one.

At two he used to throw the coffee table over, head butt me, scream, lay on the floor, hide in corners and lash out if you went near him. Total nighmare.

I tried shouting, warning, time out, the lot. So I really do sympathise.

DS2, I tried a very different approach to the terrible 2's. He started to show signs of wobbling (you get better at anticipating) I would pick him up and hug him! tell him it was ok to feel angry and upset. I basically soothed him and calmed with kindness. It worked.

Children need to know that you love them, they feel vulnerable and out of control when they go into a paddy, they need to feel safe and loved and reassured that the feelings are normal, the behaviour is not.

cookielove · 15/02/2011 21:13

He does sound aggressive, how is his language? Does he seem frustrated that you can't understand him, could this be stemming from you mis-understanding him.

I have seen lots of 2 year olds strike out because of communication issues. Although it could also be nothing to do with his language skills.

If he is talking well, can he explain why he is so angry.

Have you noticed any triggers that set him off?

Ok, so if he is behaving agressively i would suggest moving him away to a 'quieter' area, say to him something along the lines of 'mummy wants you to calm down, mummy doesn't like that behaviour' e.t.c you could sit with him, maybe on a bean bag, to stop him hurting himself. Once he is calm say something on the lines of 'you must not hit, headbutt, punch, push hurt whatever it was mummy, or whoever,' you could push for an apology but not the end of world if you , don't get one, then all happy and light 'lets go play now'

You could also try distraction when you see him starting to get agressive, turn his attention to something new in the toy box, or something out the window, say a bird or a plane.

You could give him tasks, like helping to clean the table or sweep crumbs off the floor. Or can you find all the red bricks?

Does any of that help?

Memoo · 15/02/2011 21:16

It took months and months for things to work for my ds and a few years before he really started to calm down. I remember having to go and put him in his cot once because he kicked me in the face when I was trying to get his shoe off. I was so upset I understood at that moment why people loose it with kids sometimes. He would do it when we were out too. I once had to hold him down in the supermarket until he stopped kicking and screaming. He is 10 now and is so gentle and sensitive I'm sure anybody who knows us would never believe how bad he was

Original poster
stressedanddepressed · 15/02/2011 21:22

Its impossible really to do the cuddling thing, although it sounds lovely he often is in the middle of being affectionate when he suddenly turns with no warning.
For example, today he came to sit in my lap, hugged me, kissed me and then hit me in the face Sad

His language isn't great. Not awful but not great either, he can say mommy, daddy, recognise people, ask for a drink, he is actually very, very intelligent.

No triggers. None whatsoever. He often turns for no reason at all.

I do give him tasks, he loves putting the nappy bags in the bin, the clothes in the washing machine, handing me things from the dishwasher etc. He can be very helpful and sweet sometimes.

OP posts:
cookielove · 15/02/2011 21:29

Stressedanddreppressed - it must be so sad and frustrating for you, i wish there was a quick fix for this problem.

What did you do after he hit you in the face?

Original poster
stressedanddepressed · 15/02/2011 21:39

I put him straight into his travel cot and said do not hit mommy. And then left for a while then came back and then took him out.

OP posts:
cookielove · 15/02/2011 21:45

Did he cry, or not to bothered that he was put in the travel cot.

Original poster
stressedanddepressed · 15/02/2011 21:51

He cries for a few seconds but then he chucks everything out of it and isn't bothered.

OP posts:
babybrained · 15/02/2011 21:54

I came on here today looking for advice on EXACTLY the same problem with my 2yr old boy.

He may well be frustrated, but he often gives out violence with a happy expression on his face. He's particularly bad with his little sister, but it's spreading to other kids now. Putting him on the naughty step and telling him no makes no difference, only that he says "no push baby" and then and does exactly that. His language is reasonable, but I often don't know what he's saying.

I await answers with interest!

Greenwing · 15/02/2011 21:55

Poor you. My first DS was exactly like you describe. Just to be on the safe side, ask the GP for him to be checked out. Our son turned out to have glue ear and improved a bit when he had his tonsils and adenoids removed at age 3. He had been deaf and in pain.
Just in case, ask the GP to check his hearing and general health.
Also, do all you can to make sure he has as much sleep as possible, as tiredness makes behaviour so much worse.

If you can, sometimes try to focus on the positive moments if possible. Keep a diary and photos of the happy bits to keep your spirits up. I used to find that if 40% of the day was awful that was all I could think of, not the 60% when he was happy and good company.

It may be small comfort now but... it will pass. Our DS was challenging all the way through but now, aged 19, is great company!
Good luck. Love and best wishes.

QueenBathsheba · 15/02/2011 21:56

Stressed, how old is you ds exactly, just being 2 is very different to 2 yrs and 6 months, a few months can make such a difference to their behaviour.

cookielove · 15/02/2011 22:02

So essentially he is not bothered one bit, which means he isn't been effected by it so it doesn't feel like a punishment.

Could you try a chart, that gives him a visual guide to how well he is behaving that day, so make a chart for a week, divinding each day by morning and afternoon and evening, then break these parts up by each hour or by a couple hours. If he behaves for an hour he gets a smiley face at the end of the hour if he doesn't he gets a cross. Give him a limit of how many crosses he can have a day so say up to 4. If he gets more than 4 then he doesn't get a reward at the end of the day or mid-day begin with a shorter amount of time so the goal for him is within his reach.

So at the end of the morning he gets a chocolate or a sticker or whatever you want. If he gets crosses he gets nothing, if he only gets crosses, or more crosses that smiles remove a toy, or a game, or telly time. You can later use these as rewards for good behaviour.

Do you think that is worth a try?

Original poster
stressedanddepressed · 15/02/2011 22:09

Yeah mine often has a happy expression too...

I will get him checked out by a doctor and he is 2 and 2 months.

Cookielove that does sound like quite a good idea and i will give it a go.

OP posts:
cookielove · 15/02/2011 22:13

Oh i forgot, then at the end of the week you could give him a big reward, obviously depending on how well he has done. So you could give him a toy of some sort. Or maybe a trip to the park, whatever you think would be appropriate.

QueenBathsheba · 15/02/2011 22:22

He is only 26m, so although he might lash out when he can't get his own way, he is also hitting when he is happy, is that right?

I'm sure at that age he is just trying to see what your reaction is, it's part of the learning process. Children are not born naughty but equally so they do not have an innate understanding of how to behave.

You just need continue setting a good example, show kindness to him, if he hits you, maybe you could prentend to cry, tell him you have hurt mummy.

Children learn quicker through example and experiment at this age. You can't really reason with them can you. That comes later thankfully.

It will get easier.

Original poster
stressedanddepressed · 15/02/2011 22:31

Oh yes, it isn't just limited to temper tantrums. But he knows the violence is wrong, we tell him all the time and i get the distinct impression he does it almost to get a reaction.

I have thought about the pretend crying thing as i've heard it mentioned before.

Hope so, its very reassuring that I don't seem to be alone in this!

OP posts:
rachy82 · 15/02/2011 22:47

My 22mth DS is going through this same 'stage' at the moment and has been getting worse over the past several weeks. Infact today is the first time nursery have actually mentioned it to us so quite unsure of what to do next.

He is very loved, gets lots of attention, loves other kids but can hit out for no apparent reason. Be it me, his big sister , other kids,grandparents, anyone. I have to watch his every move when around other kids and constantly having to tell him off for hitting.

He's also started hitting himself in the head and saying look , look. I gather this is for attention so we try ignoring it but its not nice.

We're trying all methods to stop this but it just seems to be getting worse.

Memoo · 15/02/2011 23:23

I know you don't believe this but you are actually doing the right thing, like putting in his cot for a little time out. I think you just need to persevere and be realistic about how long it will take to work.

cece · 15/02/2011 23:35

My DS2 is exactly the same. Im fact it got so bad the CM gave us notice and we had to leave when he was 15 months old.

He can be aggressive when frustrated but quite often it is completely random and done with a smile on his face.

He is now 21 months and we have been doing the quiet word apporach of that is not nice we don't headbut daddy sort of approach, with time out in play pen.

He has improved but still not easy. I have to follow him around at playgroup, so I can grab his arm before he hits someone! Today at his new CM he managed to cause a big scratch down another boys' face. Sad

I have been gettiing advice from my HV. She did suggest applying for the extra fudning for 2 year olds nursery places. But having looked into it I do not qualify Sad She also said it was important to keep going to toddler groups etc in order for him to learn to socialise.

It is so tiring though isn't it?

Recently he has started to tantrum too and is getting quite physical with it. He tried to throw the coffee table over and throws things about. Frightening really as my older two weren't like this at all!

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