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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

my 4 year old seems to enjoy hurting younger children

23 replies

fattybum · 15/02/2011 13:51

has anyone experienced this? Its something that really worries me. He went through the usual hitting from about 2, but i thought he should of grown out of it by now. He doesnt usually hurt kids his own age, but if we are around a classmate with a younger sibling, he will be a bit spiteful to them eg was playing "lions" with 2 year old when he bit her, will tickle but is really doing it too hard. I think he knows that he is being too rough but likes doing it. He is fine with his younger brother.

It makes me so uncomfortable around younger kids and i feel he should know better by now.

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Original poster

fattybum · 15/02/2011 14:18

bump please! Just need reassurance he's not going to grow up to be a murderer!

OP posts:

Davsmum · 15/02/2011 14:26

What do you do about it ?
He will only know better if you teach him. It doesn't happen by magic.

Original poster

fattybum · 15/02/2011 14:36

well, up until about 2.6 i found it all very stressful and didnt deal with it very well. But after that i started warning him before we went anywhere with kids that any rough behaviour would mean we would leave. It took a while, but eventually it got better. But when it comes to things like tickling too hard, how do i deal with that? He says "i was only tickling" when i know he does it in a sneaky way. He doesnt just go up and hit now, he does it very slyly and i feel i cant leave him alone with a younger child.

Im not expecting magic, ive always tried to teach him to be kind, gentle etc.

OP posts:

peggotty · 15/02/2011 14:42

If you suspect he is doing something deliberately i.e rough tickling, you should take him away from the situation as you would do when it was more obvious aggression. Does he go to pre-school or nursery, what is their take on it?

Original poster

fattybum · 15/02/2011 14:49

when he was playing lions and bit the two year old i told him we had to go home as i did feel it was intentional, so i don't just let him get away with it, but its hard to get an explanation from him as to why he does these things.

He's at school and doing fine there, not even one of the more boisterous boys.

I dont want to give the imression i take all this lightly, im trying my best to stop this behaviour.

OP posts:

goldenticket · 15/02/2011 14:51

You could also start to introduce the concept of "would you like it if someone did that to you?". Agree with removing him when he does something but I do think the temptation with this kind of behaviour is to avoid situations where it may occur, whereas he really needs more exposure to these situations so he can practice, as it were.

I would start laying it on with a trowel about how we need to look after little ones/pets etc and be gentle, then look out for and praise any example of gentleness from him. He's not going to get it right all the time (possibly only some of the time) but go much more for calm removal coupled with praise when he gets it right and you should start to see improvements .

Davsmum · 15/02/2011 14:51

You have to explain to him that 'tickling' is not fun if it hurts the other child and it is the same as hitting them. Like Peggotty says, treat it the same as the hitting ! He seems to get pleasure from being more powerful than the other child/children - could he be jealous in any way ?

shesparkles · 15/02/2011 14:53

You say you warn him that you'll leave if he behaves badly when you're out-do you follow this through?
If you don't then the threats are meaningless (and if you do, then I apologise for asking the question!)

Original poster

fattybum · 15/02/2011 15:12

i have tried how would you feel if somebody did this to you/ds2, its not fun for others if you are hurting them etc. He does seem to enjoy the power, but i cant control his feelings, can i? I dont know about jealousy, he gets on fairly well with ds2. And yes, i always follow through on threats and we do leave. Just feels like this is never going to go away.

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Acanthus · 15/02/2011 15:16

Remove him earlier - at the first sign of this behaviour. Don't "give him the benefit of the doubt". He will only stop if the consequences of his behaviour have a rapid consequence that he sees as adverse. Please nip this in the bud - you need to act, not talk to him about it at this age.

Davsmum · 15/02/2011 15:25

You can't control his feelings - just his behaviour.
He may well grow out of this if you continue to do what you are doing. It may take another child to wallop him back to change him !
Perhaps you are worrying too much about this. He may even do it more because you seem to get worked up about it - Kids love to have the power to wind Mummy up !

Acanthus · 15/02/2011 15:30

I think it's really important that you get rid of this impulse. You don't want him being mean to younger ones at school, in due course.

Original poster

fattybum · 15/02/2011 15:50

well when he's tickling too roughly, how can i act in advance? I cant tell that he's not just going to tickle gently. I do think it has become a power struggle with me, but i dont know how to change that. I dont think that just because he has this behaviour he's going to become a bully, he's actually a nice boy in many other ways and there's far rougher children in his class.

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LeninGrad · 15/02/2011 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Davsmum · 15/02/2011 16:45

I think you are worrying about it TOO MUCH.
You sound nice - and he sounds nice - He is just too rough and will soon learn/grow out of it as long as you are consistent in what you are doing.

Original poster

fattybum · 15/02/2011 19:37

thankyou davsmum, i think you are right, i do worry too much. Thats exactly what dh thinks and he is also certain that ds will grow out of it and wont become a bully, he is a nice boy really. I will just have to keep on as i am for now, there's no quick fix.

Leningrad, he's pretty good with his brother, just other small children!

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thisisyesterday · 15/02/2011 19:42

are you SURE he is doing it on purpose and not just getting carried away with games? i mean i can imagine getting a bit opverexcited and tickling someone a bit too hard...

i think you just need to make sure you're always supervising him if he is playing with younger children and at the very, very first sign of him being too boisterous you need to warn him to stop

Original poster

fattybum · 15/02/2011 20:03

he may just be getting overexcited, but he still has to learn to control himself.

I know i've got to supervise him, but its embarrasing on a playdate when he cant just go off in another room without me following after him. Puts me off playdates.

OP posts:

Davsmum · 16/02/2011 09:07

I think its good you are bothered about it though - I have seen Mums whose children can be really aggressive and they don't seem to care/notice - and some will even defend their child when they have really hurt another child.
Just don't get over worried - You are doing fine.

LeninGrad · 16/02/2011 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisisyesterday · 16/02/2011 16:04

yes, I wasn't saying he doesn't have to learn, just that he may not always realise he is overdoing it, or have the ability to stop

he will learn by you telling him, hence the need to supervise.
there's no reason to let it put you off playdates... he won't learn unless he is in the situation will he? so avoiding it won't really help I don't think.

Original poster

fattybum · 16/02/2011 16:19

sorry thisisyesterday, didnt mean to sound arsey. I know i wont help by avoiding the situation, just wonder when the day will come when i can relax and enjoy these types of situations! Its strange, cos he also
seems to like babies and toddlers!

I am hoping its a case of he hasnt learn to control his impulses yet.

OP posts:

boredwithfoodprob · 16/02/2011 18:58

I haven't read whole thread, so sorry if this is has already been suggested but would he respond well to a star chart where he saved up stars for a special treat say every week with intermittent smaller (say edible ones) treats throughout the week for no hitting etc? I've heard 4 is a good age to start reward/star charts. It would have to be a very reinforcing treat at the end for it to work - is he really into something in particular? I empathise completely with your situation as my 2.5 year old is the same but too young I think for reward charts etc. Good luck!

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