My dd 2.5yrs hits and throws stuff and I can't seem to control her HELP!

[snowcake]

I've read 2 other threads that echo what I'm going through with my eldest dd. She's 2.5 yrs old, very articulate, speaks in good sentences and can be the kindest, happiest little soul.

Since her sibling arrived (now 5 months old) she has taken to awful tantrums, screaming rages and most recently to hitting me, DH, the baby and throwing objects (blocks, spoons, her small cutlery, full bottles, etc)

I have tried to ignore smaller misdemeanors but am definitely not going to ignore hitting and throwing. I have reasoned with her, tried the naughty step (don't actually like it and think my dd doesn't take it seriously as she howls while she sits there and as soon as she says sorry she gets down and does it again).

I have shouted and smacked her fingers (not hard but she felt it) when she hit me and the baby or held her hand very tight when she threw something at us, she always aims for the face.

Nothing works and I am sick and tired of her behaviour. She can communicate very well, so it's not like she can't express herself. She does it when she can't have her way (tantrums) but I don't know where the throwing and hitting comes from.

She pinches my skin sometimes and I wonder if something has been going on in nursery because ever since a boy there hit her and scratched her she seems to think it's okay. Nursery has downplayed it but I'm really at the end of my tether. I have spoken to them but get the old: It's normal for their age.

FWIW: I was spanked and hit badly when I was young, my father would put the fear of god in me with his screaming. I am scared of history repeating itself when I shout and grab her to take a time-out, though never as he did. However I did not hit or pinch or throw things when I was small. Not once.

She doesn't understand no, either. She waon't hold my hand on a busy street, she runs across parking lots.

She says sorry, then does it again.

I am expecting number 3 now and I'm sick of having to fight with my eldest every single day.

Any advice?

Gosh you are really going through it.

She does sound quite normal for a toddler but that does not help.

Have you tried being really really positive with her. Giving loads of attention when she is good, praising her, telling her how much you love her and what a good girl she is, really going for it (this can be really hard when you are at the end of your tether though)

If she does something like throwing or hitting act really shocked and disappointed - oh no I thought you were mummy's little helper - that has made me really sad - that has really hurt - oh poor mummy.

Once she has said sorry move on as quickly as you can to a positive exchange.

I had a terrible time with DS1 - DS2 is that age now and much better. I try and distract as much as possible as well.

Must go DS2 'needs me' and it sounds as though DS3 does too.

Keep your chin up!

Hi

I really feel for you too.

I have never thought that a "naughty step" worked for us either, although I will put my youngest (now aged 4) into another room to calm down if he really kicks off.

I also agree with Lorisparkle - as much positive attention as possible. At the end of the day, she is attention seeking. What I really found helped, particularly with my eldest when his brother was born, was to carve out some very definate time with him.

So, plan a fun activity (a game, colouring, playdough) and let her know that, when baby is having a nap, you will play that game. Then, when the time comes, completely devote that half an hour etc to her. No phonecalls, washing up.

I found that my son could only actually cope with half an hour of my attention - then he wanted to wander off and play on his own.

If she hits/pinches etc, you can say "no, we do not pinch/hit - I don't want to play with you if you are hurting me" and walk off.

I remember feeling myself being drawn into real battles with my eldest, until I thought I'd try this, and it really did help.

I agree with all the above about positive attention, but if you need a discipline method to try, this worked for me. I only did this once and she's never hit me again...

DD was still in her cot at the time so when she hit me I calmly took her to her room, put her in the cot, removed all teddies etc and said she had to stay there for 5 minutes to calm down. When I went back in, she went to hit me again, so I said another 5 mintues and kept at it. She lasted an hour of this with me going in every 5 minutes and her lashing out at me. Eventually she seemed to get bored of me not reacting and agreed to not hit and come back downstairs. The way I did it was not to be using the cot as a 'punishment' but as a safe place to calm down. Every time she went to hit me I said, oh dear, you've not calmed down enough and stressed she needed another 5 minutes.

She has never gone to hit me again so it definitely worked, she also has never had an issue with going to bed (not even that night) which I was a bit worried about!

I totally sympathise with you as my DS2 is going through this aswell (he is 2.3). He has been biting and hitting for a couple of months now but it is quite sporadic and what usually sets it off is if he is getting giddy rather than frustrated iyswim.

He seems to have learnt that it is not ok to do it when we say no as he did go through a phase of that but now you can almost see him going to bite and then pausing and not doing.

But, when he gets giddy with me or DS1, he seems to think that hitting and biting are acceptable - he giggles whilst doing it! Whenever I see him about to do it, I tell him no and say we only stroke, kiss and cuddle don't we? This usually stops him in his tracks as he is actually a very caring little boy who always wants to make upset people better. Failing that, I literally pick him up and put him in another room and reiterate that biting is wrong and he generally calms down. However, it is not 'curing' it but just dealing with each occasion

Sorry, not much help other than it is probably his age (DS1 also went through an aggressive phase at 2.4 but this coincided with the arrival of DS2 so I always assumed it was jealousy but maybe it was just his age??)

lorisparkle, thank you for the kind words. I am really struggling (mentally) with the constant onslaught. I dread walking into her room in the morning and wish somebody else could do my job. She was an absolute angel with my parents who were here till last week. I already praise loads when she's good, I always emphasize her good deeds. I must try distraction a bit more as I get too caught up in her moods and find it hard to drag myself away from a negative spiral.

rickymummy: I will try the 'cooling off' room thing. I give my eldest all my time when I have her in the afternoons as we have a nanny for the youngest who comes every day from 4.30pm till she puts her down. I try and do fun things and I have to say you are right, she is loads better when the attention is only on her. But sometimes I am alone and then I have them both screaming and I can never get it right. Even out shopping with my eldest she will hit and kick me if she has to sit in her car seat. It is such a battle not to give in, esp. with the bump. But if I give in she'll sense victory by hitting

christmasmum: thanks for sharing your story. dd1 has just destroyed (ripped to shreds) a new book I bought her. Husband just started shouting at her but I took most of her teddies, took all the other books in her room, put her back in cot and did as you did but with 10min intervals. It took a while, but no hitting, more big tears but she does not understand how naughty she was.

The bottom line is she doesn't know wrong from right. She thinks she can get away with things.

Your method sounds good and she is much calmer now. Pray that it will last!!

ceebeegeebies, yes her aggression also coincided with arrival of dd2. I sometimes sense that there is quite a bit of giddiness/getting caught up in the moment and being too rough. But sometimes it's pure intension.

Honestly, I am wondering if I should send her to play therapy, a behaviorist. I just don't want her to have a stigma when going to school. I might have to declare that.

Alternatively I am playing with the idea of sending her to my parents for a month. I am so sick of her and it's really not fair on her that I am failing her as a parent

Thank you all for posting. All advice really welcome.

Just wanted to say that you are not failing her as a parent. I did and said some awful things to DS1 when DS2 was little. I look back and it was such a black time. I hate to think about someone going through that as well. He still can be a challenge but at school they say he is such a caring, happy, considerate child who is popular and joins in with everything. I was so worried he would have behaviour difficulties but things got significantly better when he was 3 1/2year old.

You are so right about the negative spiral it is such a battle to be positive and light hearted when they can be so difficult.

You are also so right about them not knowing right from wrong although I think that with my DS2 it is more that he does know what he should not do but just can't help himself and gets carried away.

When I was struggling with DS1 I read every book I could in the library. The one I found most helpful was...

Little Angels: The Essential Guide to Transforming Your Family Life and Having More Time with Your Children by Dr Tanya Byron

It gives some useful advice plus makes you realise that you are not alone!

I would definately get all the support you can but I would not send her away unless you are really desperate. It will get better.

some things you could try for this 2s stage:
distraction so underated but really a good tool... when you see things could kick off distract him ie "Oh my goodness lets go and X Y or Z and make it the most exciting activerty on earth.
Using a very quiet voice sometimes can help if a child is shouty as they will copy you.

Ignore negative behaviour where possible walk away and remove yourself from her.
Use the ignoring with copieous amounts of praise as praise is such a useful tool.

Also make it specific ie "I love the way you just helped me with X well done"

If she starts hitting kicking etc (again normal behaviour at this age) you could try saying NO hitting it hurts then walk away and ignore her.

Sometimes distraction works ie "Oh My goodness did you see the massive spider that ran past lets go and look for it."

You could try time out but only as a last resort(I hate calling this the naughty step/chair etc) this must be done consistantly and if you use it and your child resists then you must put her back until she stays (this could take 100 goes)

Also be consitant if you say no stick to it.

Last top tip pick your battles some things are worth insisting on but others are not.