5 year old hates school because of one child

[highlystrung]

Help me!! My DD (nearly 6) has hated school for ages now. It all began not long after she started last year (she's in year 1 now) - she'd been best friends with this little girl since going to the same childminders, and they were inseparable at pre-school. Now they are at school and this girl now seems to upset my DD on a daily basis. I don't want to sound like an over-protective mother, I know what kids are like, but this has been going on for ages and my DD keeps asking to move schools, says she hates play-time etc etc. She's doing brilliantly academically and seems to have lots of other friends but her whole day is determined by how this girl treats her. To make matters worse, I'm really good friends with this girl's parents and they live next door. Her parents are lovely, sweet people, but she's a nightmare - bossy, rude and prone to throwing tantrums to get her own way. I know she does this at home because I've heard her and her parents have bemoaned how hard she is. This girl is undermining my DD's self esteem and I hate it. What do I do? DH says we have to let them sort it out themselves but I hate it and wonder if I should go in and see the head teacher. My DD isn't the only one whose been suffering - her little friend couldn't sleep for a term, and no matter how much we tell her to ignore the girl when she's mean our DD seems determined to try and make her like her. Help!!!!

Have you spoken to your DD's class teacher? I think your husband is wrong on this one and you don't sound like an over protective mother at all.

YOur DD needs help and adult intervention from you and class teacher most definately.

I think it's worse for you and DD and DH because of your frienship with the child's parents and the fact that you live next door but don't let that p.ut you off.

I'd definatley make an appointment to see the class teacher on Monday or asap. Good luck.

Hi! can you try role-playing with her to help her to say No to this girl?

Get her to practice saying "Don't do that!" "I don't like that!" and "Please stop now!" "Don't be rude to me!" etc.

I did this with my DD when another girl at pre-school kept following her and pinching her to gain her attention.

Enlist the help of the teachers too. If they look out for something they can help to reinforce your DD's sense of right when she asks the other girl to stop the mean behaviour.

I think polite children can find it more difficult to say No and may need to practice within the safety of the home & parents.

We have spoken to the class teacher on several occasions - only to be told that they haven't noticed anything. But this hasn't been helped by the fact that she's had three different teachers this year so not much consistency etc. We've endlessly tried to tell her and role play with her on what to say if the girl is mean to her etc: ie 'say to her, 'I don't want to play with you because friends aren't mean. I'm going to play with someone else' etc etc, but she's five and wants this girl to like her again and be her best friend again and doesn't realise that the more she tries to get her to like her the more this girl will treat her badly. Arrghh. Going to make an appointment to see th head tomorrow. Matters compounded by fact that girls mother works at the school.

Thanks ladies,

oh gulp!

Yes in that case you are right to go to the head.

My DS has had similar trouble going back a few years but not neighbours, not working at school. Sorry OP - didn't realise you'd gone to class teacher(s) and got nowhere.

Because it's quite a developed thing now and you've already been to see class teacher on several occasions, I hope you don't mind me suggesting these things that helped my sister when she went to her DS's HT.

Initially she went in with a - I know that I sound like an over protective mother but ... attitude and basically spelt out the problem ... then waited and nothing happened.

She then went back with a this is still happening, can you please tell me what strategies you have been using to deal with this behaviour because they don't seem to be working? attitude which worked much better.

She could have saved a lot of time and her DS some heartache if she'd used the most effective attitude first!

Maybe you might need to point out that it's not acceptable to simply not notice this behaviour - 5 year olds can be sneaky and are not stupid, of course she won't be doing in ear shot of the teachers or under their noses! She'll be choosing her moments carefully when she can get away with it!

Support staff, class teacher, dinner ladies all need to be aware of it and be discreetly but actively looking for it so that it can be dealt with.

My sister also said when she went in the 2nd time I'll leave it a couple of weeks then if it's not resolved I'll come back and make another appointment.

Hopefully though the head will sort it out promptly - but you can use that one if you feel you're not getting anywhere.

In the past class teachers have fobbed me off with "I'll do a whole class talk about being friends and kindness" which I've thought was a waste of time but did work, but it sounds like your DD's situation is far beyond this and that it's very calculated.

You can also tell the HT that you've been trying role play, told your DD to ignore it, to challenge it ... bascially everything you can think of to help but that it is not enough and that for your daughter's well being and education you need for the school to be playing an active part in solving this issue.

Good luck OP and good luck your daughter

Thanks so much Misfitless - some fantastic tips here. Feel much better about going to see the head now.

Hi highlystrung. Just thinking of you and hoping your DD has a good day at school today and that all the problems get sorted out soon.

Oh thank you. Well a lot happened. I made an appointment to see the headteacher on Wednesday with DH, so that's good. Then after school, the mum of the girl in question (a lovely, lovely, woman who is my friend - which makes it all really awkward)came up to me in the playground to say that our girls had been arguing at lunchtime. This opened a conversation which led to me saying how unhappy DD is and that we're going to see the head. Friend was horrified and clearly mortified - she's going to ring me tonight and hopefully we can come up with some helpful strategies between us that might help.
Thanks for all the support x

Great news - and your friendship intact - RESULT!!