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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I have no idea where I have gone wrong

11 replies

Memoo · 13/02/2011 01:32

Dd is 12yo and has always been well behaved but these past 12 months she has been rather difficult at times. Today was absolutely awful though.

She has started to worry about staying away from home over night, she recently wouldn't go to a friends house for a sleepover even though she has slept there many times before.

My parents live on a farm in Cumbria and dd has stayed there a few times and loved it. My parents were due to have her and ds this half term and made the two hour drive this morning to collect them.

Dd has said that she wanted to go but started to worry this morning and was getting upset. We thought that she would be fine once she got there but about 20 minutes after they left my mum phoned to say they were bringing dd back.

Basically dd had started getting really upset in the car, making a huge fuss. My mum had tried to calm her but then dd started really shouting at them saying they were "forcing" her to go. Understandably my parents couldn't carry on driving with dd behaving like that so they came back.

I feel so angry with dd for speaking to her gp's like that. We also checked with her several times during the week that she still wanted to go and she was fine. My parents had loads of things planned for the week and made a four hour round trip only to end up being screamed at.

I don't feel like I know what to do. Am really cross with dd but not sure how I go about punishing her behaviour. Also don't know what I have done sonwrong that she is struggling so much emotionally.

Would really appreciate any comments or advice

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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pippop1 · 13/02/2011 02:26

Anything to do with starting or not having started her periods? Could she feel the need to be at home if this happened?

Original poster

Memoo · 13/02/2011 18:55

Pippop, Thanks for replying. She hasn't started her periods yet but she is certainly showing signs that she might do. I don't feel that is the problem though. It all centres around being away from me, its like she has separation anxiety but she is 12.

I'm also not really sure about what punishment she should have for the way she screamed at my parents. We have grounded her and taken away her phone, ipod etc. and I have spoke to her about it but feel like I am getting it all wrong.

OP posts:

MissFit · 13/02/2011 19:10

Memoo if I remember correctly you have been very ill quite recently, could be be to do with that?

Original poster

Memoo · 13/02/2011 23:19

Yes you are right misfit, I think I maybe don't want to admit to myself that it could be something to do with that because it just fuels the guilt I feel at having let my dc down.

OP posts:

pippop1 · 14/02/2011 00:10

I don't know the history, but surely it's not your fault if you are ill. Have you discussed it all with her, about how she felt when you were ill?

Pheebe · 14/02/2011 08:03

Memoo, at the risk of adding to your guilt I think its almost certainly to do with your recent illness (I have no idea what/how serious that was). Please please don't feel guilty about it though, it is something thats out of your control.

My SIL has been ill for almost 2 years now (slowly getting things sorted) and this has definitely had an effect on her girls (10 and 13) who have both shown what we'd descrobe as separation anxiety. Perfectly normal and undersandable imo.

Please don't punish her any more. She sounds like she's frightened and doesn't know how to cope at the moment. Lots of cuddles, mum-daughter chats and reassurance are needed instead I think. Are you off work? Can you use this week to spend lots of time with her?

Hope you're feeling better/on the mend

Original poster

Memoo · 14/02/2011 12:08

I think I have been in denial

I had PND and ended up having to stay in hospital for a while. Its no wonder she is suffering with some separation anxiety.

How do I put this right? I feel like I have emotionally damaged my child.

OP posts:

Acanthus · 14/02/2011 12:13

You have not damaged your child!

Early teens are a nightmare. I'm sure she knows that she would have been dine with the GPs really. And that the shouting was out of order.

OK there may be a root cause for some insecurity, but that does not make her behaviour ok. Maybe not a punishment so much as a consequence - an apology to her GPs. She's already missing out on a fun holiday, presumably?

Original poster

Memoo · 14/02/2011 12:21

Yes she missing out on lots! GP's had a fun filled week planned. DS has still gone and is having a really great time whereas DD is sat at home bored.

Thanks for saying I have not damaged her. I really needed to hear that!

OP posts:

Acanthus · 14/02/2011 12:26

I wouldn't be massively hard on her for not going, but I would for the shouting. She knows that is wrong. And I would make sure she knows what DS is doing, too. It won't harm her to know what she has chosen to miss out on. I think I'd spend time with her (if you can) but not do anything exciting!

pippop1 · 14/02/2011 16:29

Actually, its a really good chance to give her some one to one attention. Perhaps you can plan a girly trip out for just the two of you. Shopping? And buy her something nice and kind of "grown up" too. The grandparents may not understand but I think you do.

Of course she shouldn't be rude to them but they will get over it if you explain that children get stressed just like adults. Was your behaviour perfect when you were ill? So isn't she entitled to some less than perfect behaviour too?

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