Any ideas for dealing with anger/tantrums in 6 year old dd?

[DrSpechemin]

For about the last month dd has been a nightmare if she doesn't get her own way. She is 6 and 99.9% of the time is a joy to be with. However her temper has escalated over the last few weeks ending in two spectacular tantrums today with her screaming at me and calling me an idiot, smacking me in the face and trying to bite me.

She gets so angry she can't calm herself down and just lashes out or trashes her room. Yesterday we had a major tantrum when she decided she wanted to take a different bag to school - I said no as we didn't even know where the bag was and if we'd spent time looking for it we'd have been late for school. Cue screaming in the street, smacking me in the face and calling me a stupid idiot.

Todays tantrum involved a stand off in the supermarket as I refused to buy her a pair of jeans that I know she won't wear as they'll be too rough for her (she has weird ultra sensitivity to clothes - socks have to been worn inside out as the seams make her feel funny) and then a second tantrum and repeat behaviour in the park as I asked her to put her coat on as she'd finished running around and it was getting really cold.

I just don't know what to do as her tantrums just make me feel so frustrated and angry as she doesn't respond to anything as she's in such a red rage.

When she's finally calmed down she seems to understand why I've asked her to do certain things, but I think her need for independence and wanting to do things her way is too strong to 'back down' and do what I ask her to do.

At school she is the model child - happy to help and a teacher pleaser.

Any tips or ideas to help get me through this phase without completely losing my mind?

Thanks

My dd is 7, and doing the same thing. Likewise, she's great at school, model child and teacher pleaser too.

Her tantrums are similar, just over really daft things usually and she gets properly furious - has started with the whole 'You're such an annoying mummy" insults. Lovely.

What I have worked out, with the help of school, is that it's a control issue. She wants to feel like she has some control in life, and kicks off when she feels she doesn't have any. I am trying to actively let her make some decisions herself, just silly things like do we take the tube or the bus home? Do we have pasta or risotto for dinner? She reacts really well to it, and I can see how pleased she is. I am also really trying to focus on a lot of positive praise. The tantrums still happen, but much less frequently and less intensely.

Good luck - I know all too well how difficult it is to manage.

Thank you for your reply - I have just put her in her room to try and stop yet another tantrum kicking off - all because I've asked her to get dressed before we go out - she wanted to carry on drawing - I explained that she can carry on drawing when she's dressed. Cue meltdown.

I agree - it is a complete control issue - I do give her appropriate responsibilities and levels of control over choices etc - I think this may have the reverse effect as she doesn't know why she can't have control why I take it away from her.

Right her five minutes are up - she's now saying that she's scared of being in her room by herself - deep breath - i'm going in!

Oh they sound exactly the same! Making a fuss about getting dressed is one of our big problems a lot of the time. Also, saying she's scared in her room is a favourite line too.

I am seriously thinking about some form of reward chart again. I find myself resorting to some sort of bribery a lot of the time, which isn't ideal, but does usually work. It's so exhausting, isn't it, and feels so sad.

Thanks for this :)

I have the exact same situation with my son (7)

I have EVEN googled" ADHD at home only?" questions lol !

Had a successful resolution yesterday - she apologised and I explained that sometimes she just has to do what I ask her to do - and sometimes the best approach is 'ok then' so trying to encourage her to think a bit wider than herself! This may possible be beyond a 6 year olds comprehension :o

She also blames me if we are late or something goes wrong as a result of her throwing a tantrum - I'm trying to get her to take some responsibility for her own actions - watch this space...

We did manage to get through today without any incidents which is very positive (mind you she was only actually with me for the grand total of 4 hours so it doesn't really leave much time once you've got breakfast and dinner out of the way.

She's also just started to have really bad dreams and wakes up a few times a week crying with nightmares - I'm wondering if the two are connected - perhaps it's a development stage?

I was thinking about re-introducing a reward chart as well - it seems like a backward step but I think it can work really well (it has done in the past anyway).

My dd is also 6 and has been having these type tantrums for a couple of years now. I think they are about control. What I've worked out is that, for her, they normally mean that she is worried about something, but can't express it. Usually she will eventually say something small that makes me suddenly realise what the problem is. Once we've talked about it, the fear goes and the tantrums stop.
You mention she is having nightmares, could it be that she is worrying about something?

Hmm - I really don't know if she is worried about anything - you have just reminded me that before if something had happened at school we would have meltdown at bedtime - I now ask her if there is anything she wants to tell me or if anything has been worrying her.

She does like to keep school life and home life very seperate - I struggle to get any information out of her about school. The most I hear about is who she sat next to a lunch - I didn't even know she did a club at lunchtime until she let slip last week.

Before christmas she was worried about being left out of a threesome of friends.

She's just gone up a book band so is finding it a challenge with reading harder books.

One of our cats died a couple of months ago and she still talks about him a lot (although that seems to have waned slightly in the last few weeks).

I started to have nightmares and night terrors at the age of 6 so perhaps it's genetic?