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Original poster

How can we Mums help our boys become good men?

18 replies

guyane · 12/02/2011 19:49

Not sure this is the best place for this one, but here goes. After reading many posts talking about how difficult it is to live with our dear men/husbands/partners, I'm left wondering what we Mums can do about it for our DS? Sure it's not 'mother's fault' but honestly, surely we can point our dear boys in the fight direction for relationship success in the future? Answers on a postcard please...

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Original poster
guyane · 12/02/2011 19:50

That's a freudian slip - I meant Right direction, not Fight direction Ha ha

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GlynistheGimmer · 12/02/2011 19:52

basically, if you ever find yourself making/giving the excuse 'it's because boys are like that' then you should be pulling yourself up on it

if you're a mother or a father [wink]

sheeplikessleep · 12/02/2011 19:52

Think this would apply to both sons and daughters, but anyways.
My feeling is to instill a sense of right and wrong, sensitivity and empathy to others feelings, independence and encouraging / valuing children to express their needs, wants and emotions.
Not sure if this is what you're asking?

BeenBeta · 12/02/2011 19:56

One very important thing might be for all women to insist their DH/DP set an example that your DSs can follow.

If DSs sees Dads helping around the house not shouting at and abusing Mum its a good start.

Me and DW also crack down on sexist language and attitudes about girls that are inevitably picked up by our DSs from other boys.

drivingmisscrazy · 12/02/2011 20:47

bring up your sons to be human beings first, and men second. Allow them to express emotion, and insist that they learn to muck in with domestic tasks. I can't tell you the number of blokes I know who expect their girlfriends/wives to look after them the same way that their mums did (cooking, cleaning, laundry etc). Your sons will end up with much better relationships in adult life if they are able and willing to shift for themselves.

That's what I would do if I had a son...

HappySeven · 12/02/2011 20:55

My DH had to prepare some of the dinner (eg carrots) from an early age and serve it to everyone. He and his brother learnt to cook and when he went to university he asked his mother how to do a white sauce and never looked back. I'd really like to do that for our children. (He's a great cook!)

I agree about cracking down on sexist attitudes. My mother was born in the 30s and went into science. We always grew up knowing that no doors were shut if we banged on them enough and I hope both my children learn that too.

Original poster
guyane · 12/02/2011 21:34

This is good. Thanks. I've also had conversations with GF along the lines of 'what have we done to our men?' meaning 'are we women too strong now'? are we disempowering DH/DP in front of our boys ... generalisations I know but it's hard to strike the right balance, isn't it? Another thought to throw in the mix is that I have experienced two longterm eventually crap relationships and both were with men who seemed lovely at first because they had two older sisters, and then it dawned on me that the irritating stuff that surfaced later was exactly for the same reason, they were younger brothers of two older sisters... does that ring true to anyone else? What's going on there?

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BeenBeta · 12/02/2011 21:40

Two older sisters and a mother ran around after them all day long so they never did anything for themselves?

BornToFolk · 12/02/2011 21:41

"If DSs sees Dads helping around the house...it's a good start"

Yeah, it's a good start but it would be better for boys to see their fathers doing their fair share of household chores and childcare, rather than "helping out" Hmm

We're trying to bring DS up to be empathetic, kind and self-sufficient. I like to think we'd do the same if he was a girl.

BeenBeta · 12/02/2011 21:42

Yes. I mean 'helping out' in a 'fair share' way. Not just taking the bins out when asked.

Original poster
guyane · 12/02/2011 21:45

BeebBeta, yup, that's what I reckon... but having sisters makes men more "understanding", no? I do tend to think that the self-sufficiency part is really important, but hard to balance with not being 'selfish'... 'cos we don't want that either Smile...

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BeenBeta · 12/02/2011 21:59

I'm not sure having sisters does make men more understanding on its own. Its how they are taught to behave towards them and their mother that really counts most.

Original poster
guyane · 12/02/2011 22:14

Good point Smile

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drivingmisscrazy · 12/02/2011 22:29

guyane don't think that self-sufficiency is related to selfishness at all - on the contrary. I mean that boys need to know that everything depends on domestic tasks being done, and to respect those that do them, and be willing and able to do these things themselves...I dislike nothing more than people (men or women) who assume that meals just appear, shopping just gets done, and clean washing materializes from nothing. It's rude, it's disrespectful, it demeans everyone in a household. My experience has tended to be that boys are more indulged this way than girls, although I know lots of domesticated men. They are usually happily married men, because they neither take their partner for granted, nor do they resent the fact that they take an equal part in these - admittedly dull, dreary and tedious - tasks. I hate them too!

So I'm afraid this means making children, male and female, do these things for themselves.

Original poster
guyane · 12/02/2011 22:32
Smile
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milkyway2007 · 12/02/2011 23:27

Well I partly agree with the other posters, and partly disagree. I have two older brothers. The eldest is an angel with his wife - helping around the house, and with the kids like my Dad was with us. The second brother is lazy and doesnt do anything - he works away from home - where dinner is served to him and all his ironing and washing is done for him. Basically lives in luxury at work. When he comes home for 3 weeks, his wife does all the running around for him - he has never cooked and never cleaned and often shouts at his wife :(
I dont know why my other brother turned out like that - it wasnt my Dad's influence, because I never heard him shout or swear at my Mum. He always treated my Mum with respect. He is a weird brother..

My husband and his 2 brother's are all the same. They can cook, clean, iron - brilliant young men. They also had an older sister, and their mum suffered from a stroke when they were quite young, so my husband would wash and iron his own school uniform, and shine his shoes everyday. Their older sister didnt spoil them at all. Their Dad was working away from home alot of the time too. Now my husband irons his own clothes, and cooks alot of the time, and also does the cleaning when asked politely!!

The only thing I can think of is that my mum spoiled my other brother which is why he turned out like that - he was always given everything.
You should teach boys to do chores and cooking at an early age and dont stop them from doing "womanly" things like cleaning, or else they turn out lazy and spoiled.

Guacamole · 13/02/2011 09:05

My DH although wonderful, funny, caring, excellent Daddy etc... is not completely capable of looking after himself very well. He can't cook, doesn't clean unless nagged, can't iron to save his life, can be quite lazy. He has been mothered to extreme, he still is when we visit the in laws or they come here, seriously I'm amazed MIL let's DH wipe his own bum sometimes.
I want to bring my DS up to be independent and capable of caring for and looking after himself.

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