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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

my 4 year old boy keeps saying he's a girl

25 replies

oodlesofdoodles · 12/02/2011 15:13

It's just started over the last week or so and he keeps saying things like: I'm not a boy anymore, I'm a girl.
He still likes 'boys toys' and so far hasn't wanted to wear a dress, although he's mentioned wearing dresses and getting a dolls house for his bday (he didn't get a dolls house and is delighted with his duplo airplane).
His language development (for various reasons) is delayed and he hasn't made any friends, of either sex at nursery.
He has a sister who is 20 months and still breastfeeding.
I'm totally distraught. What should I do?
Should I back away from him, or should I give him more affection. Should we try to talk about it or blank these comments?
I lie awake thinking about where we went wrong.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MoonUnitAlpha · 12/02/2011 15:17

You should calm down and stop being so ridiculous! I'm struggling to believe this is real

cookinmama · 12/02/2011 15:18

It is totally normal for children to decide that they are a different sex from the one they actually are or at least I hope so because my DD 3 has been determined that she is a boy for the last 6 months! Apparently I did this as a child too and have turned out normal (whatever that means)

IndigoBell · 12/02/2011 15:19

You are totally over thinking this.

It Is an absolute normal stage and he will grow out of it in his own time.

Neither ignore it nor make a big deal out of it and he will be totally fine.

My DS wore his sisters dresses for a whole year. As soon as he started school he totally stopped it.

It's perfectly normal. Please don't worry.

usualsuspect · 12/02/2011 15:20

Why didn't you buy him a dolls house for his birthday?

Original poster

oodlesofdoodles · 12/02/2011 15:22

He asked for a van for his birthday, but told his auntie on the phone 'I'm a girl now, I got a dolls house for my birthday'. T

OP posts:

HarrietSchulenberg · 12/02/2011 15:23

For starters, don't worry it's just a stage most boys go through.

My ds3 is almost 4 and often insists he's called Helen, Poppy, or whichever girl he's played with at nursery that week. He happily plays with a toy hoover (imitating mummy) and a toy hammer (imitating daddy but without the swearing and with considerably better results).

His older brothers did the same - I quite fondly recall the morning that ds1 trotted into my bedroom dressed nothing but my slippers, a feather boa and a pink hat. He's now 10 and is a football playing laddo who thinks girls are aliens and that the colour pink should be removed from the spectrum.

However, would it REALLY worry you if cross-dressing became his norm? Just keep on cuddling him and doing all the normal things that you do with him, like letting him know that you're really proud of him. Don't let him see you're alarmed when he talks about being a girl - he'll wonder why it scares you. Just let him enjoy his role play.

KristinaM · 12/02/2011 15:27

I wouldn't worry. My 4yo thinks he's a train.

Original poster

oodlesofdoodles · 12/02/2011 15:28

thanks Harriet and Indigo. But did your sons ever explicitly say that they are girls?

He does a lot of role play now, like he'll only go and do a wee if we say 'scamper to the loo then squirrel' - if he's decided he's a squirrel

He's had lots of problems along the way. Nursery tell me he's abnormal and not fitting in. I have been quite worried about him, but this takes it to a new level.

OP posts:

tomhardyismydh · 12/02/2011 15:31

let him get on with it. My dd says she is a boy she has done since she was a yaer or so. I just, tell her from time to time she is a girl and not a boy. but let her get on with wanting to be what ever, when ever. she goes through stages of liking girly things and boys things.

I think you need to chill out over it tbh.

I dont think my dd has any gender confussion issues, just that maybe she wants to experience the world through a different medium. also she likes to be a monkey or a dog. I also remind her from time to time when these stages are for more than a day that she is a human so needs to eat sleep dress like humans but can play like a monkey or dog when ever she wants.

MotherMountainGoat · 12/02/2011 15:45

Did the nursery really use the word 'abnormal'? If they did, that's what you should be worrying about, not your son's behaviour. That's a terribly perjorative word to use to describe a 4yo child.

I f you are worried because of the role-playing aspect, you don't need to be - so many kids do that. Kristina's DC is a train, and for years my DD2 turned into a dog called Lily for the last hour of each evening. She barked and went on all fours for that whole time. Then she got bored of it and is a bit embarrassed to be reminded of it now.

If, however, you are worried because you think it's an indication that your son is going to be gay, or a cross-dresser, or transsexual, or whatever, and this thought disturbs you, maybe you'd better reexamine your own attitudes, for both your sakes. You need to accept him for who he is.

HarrietSchulenberg · 12/02/2011 15:54

Oodles - yes, ds3 does tell me he's a girl. "I AM a girl", complete with foot stamping, or "I DON'T have a willy". He's trying things out, wondering what makes him a boy and not a girl, wondering what the difference is.

I have to confess that at the same age I spent whole days at a time being George (character from a book called Baby George). I wouldn't answer to anything other than George - my mother can wax quite lyrical about it all, much to my adult embarrassment.

IndigoBell · 12/02/2011 19:53

If nursery are saying he's not fitting in - they are not talking about whether he thinks he's a boy or a girl. That is perfectly normal - they are referring to something else.

Have a frank conversation with them, about what problems they are seeing.

RockinSockBunnies · 12/02/2011 20:02

I'm not really sure what to say to help or reassure you, but if your DS is having difficulties at nursery, then perhaps you can ask them to give more details and take things from there?

Also, whilst it's easy for other posters to say that you should examine your own attitudes, I'd certainly find it a big struggle if my DC were transgender (though gay/bi etc wouldn't bother me at all). Whilst it's important to accept your DC for who they are, it's not always easy to do so.

BachAtTheMoon · 12/02/2011 20:14

DS1 (6) decided he was a girl on the way home from school a few months ago. When I quizzed him on why he wanted to be a girl he said it was so he could pee sitting down as "His legs get so tired holding up his willy"

I would definately talk to the nursery though. If they have intimated that something is amiss, maybe you are over thinking what it could be?

QuintessentialShadows · 12/02/2011 20:16

If he still says it when he is 8, you should maybe give it some consideration.

CFAW · 12/02/2011 20:31

Perhaps if you explain that dolls and dresses don't make girls, girls that its ok to be a boy and play with "girl things"

If he is still saying the same at 15, then perhaps there is an issue. If you could call it that.

CardyMow · 12/02/2011 21:08

At 3yo, my ds1 refused to answer to his name for 6 months. He insisted he was either called spiderman or Peter Parker. Even at pre-school. He even wrote his name on his paintings as spiderman. . He would not leave the house in anything other than a spiderman costume (we had 5 in the end!). He would totally ignore anyone who called him by his given name.

Fast forward 5 and a half years, and he thinks spiderman is 'lame' and has no idea why he went through that stage. It is honestly just a stage, they soon grow up and change, in just a few short years he will be at school and he will think that girls are gross and have girl germs! I wouldn't over-worry about this one.

Oh and if he wants 'girls' toys - get them for him! My ds2's favourite toys from his 3rd birthday was his pram and dolly and his toy kitchen. He's now 7yo, enjoys helping to cook dinner, is wonderful with babies, but is very into 'boys' things now, like Bakugan, Star Wars and Ben 10! And he thinks pink is yukky. (Well it is!)

Funnily enough, the only one of my older 3 dc that ever played with toy cars was DD. Neither of my older 2 ds's were interested!

girliefriend · 12/02/2011 21:16

Also struggling to believe this thread He is 4?!! All 4 yr olds come out with stuff like that!!! Its all part of trying to figure out how the world works.

Just love and accept him for who he is and I'm sure if you don't pay too much attention to this behaviour he will just grow out of it. And for what it is worth it really annoys me when parents have an issue with a child playing with a toy because society deems it masculine or femine.

hester · 12/02/2011 21:22

The thing that worries me LEAST about your post is that your ds wants to be a girl. I know a number of children who have done this; it is NORMAL. Relax!

Of course, if it persists (and I mean over years, not days or weeks) you may want to get professional advice about how best to support him. But that is way off.

For now, it sounds like you are really anxious about the problems he is having at nursery, and I am very sympathetic to that. Is his nursery the best place for him? This too may pass: everyone was convinced my dd was autistic. She was very socially withdrawn, wouldn't make eye contact (even with me) and if any children even came near her she would freeze and dissolve into tears.

That lasted until she was well over 4. Now she is at school and doing really well, having playdates etc. I can't believe how much she has changed, and how quickly.

I have to say that your response to this is worrying me slightly, too. Where does the backing away solution come from? If your son does turn out to be transgender, do you think ignoring or punishing him will be some kind of solution? Or are you just projecting all your helplessness and distress onto this? If so, do find somebody to help you support both your son and yoursel.

BeatriceLaBranche · 12/02/2011 21:44

DS does this all of the time (3.8). We are not worried at all.

I am more worried that you think you have to back away from your little boy?

We explain that if DS has a willy then he is a boy like Daddy. If he didn't have one like Mummy and his little sister then he would be a girl.

He plays with his buggy, toy kitchen, DD's doll house as much as his "boys" toys. We don't differentiate and have never passed any remarks on what he plays with.

I would also take offence at being told he was 'abnormal'. He may be socially immature, I think four is very young still. If you are truly worried, talk to your GP.

My DS is the most affectionate, funny, happy sensitive little creature and I love him for who he is. As long as he is happy and I have no other concerns, then any role play is fine by me.

NorthernGobshite · 12/02/2011 22:01

My dd (6) has been pretending to be a dog for last 3 years! Don't worry. Kids have vivid and peculiar imaginations.

milkyway2007 · 12/02/2011 23:07

LMAO @ person who said their son thinks he's a train...giggles!!

My DD who is 3 calls herself a good boy, and shouted in Tesco the other day that she was a boy....I had to quickly say "nooo!!! you're a girl!!" to make sure people around didnt think I was dressing my boy in girls clothes - she has short hair, so could easily be mistaken for a boy I think.

Dont worry about it - I am sure nothing went wrong, lol

SaturnHeart · 28/04/2022 02:21

I just came across this post and am faced with a similar situation. My four year old insists he is a girl. Can the original poster or others share what path your children took? Was this a phase or did they eventually become transgender?

Apricot2013 · 28/12/2022 16:41

@SaturnHeart Hi, I’m also having the same problems with my four year old son at the moment and I don’t know what to do. Be interesting to hear an update from others! Xx

EL0ISE · 28/12/2022 22:35

This is a zombie thread @SaturnHeart and @Apricot2013 . If you want advice you’ve be better to start a new thread.

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