How can I get my kids to leave anywhere without a scene?

[plipplops]

My DDs are 2 and 3.5. Lately every time I take them somewhere nice they play really well, but when it's time to leave they just refuse. I give them a warning and then tell them nicely it's time to go, then say eg if you don't get on your scooter and scoot to the car we'll have to leave it in the park etc.. I usually end up having to carry one or both of them which ends up hurting them as I'm practically dragging them (the eldest is worse and if she wriggles I can't carry her properly). I hate it as by the time they're in the car I'm so furious and I hate being angry with them. This week I slammed DD1s car door really hard (she can't reach it from her seat so wasn't in any danger, I was just so cross) and she got really upset.

I'm not an angry person and I hate that they can push my buttons so well. I don't want to have to start bribing them to get in the car but am seriously considering putting a packet of biscuits in there and tempting them with that as maybe it will get us through this phase without me killing them...

no idea, sorry. I use bribery. Do you want to go home so that we can watch TV usually works here.

take the buggy just so that you can strap the 2 year old in?

I bribe with food too ...

I know it is really hard, but it really is normal behaviour. DD used to be like this all the time until she was about 5 years old. Even now, age 10, if she has had a nice day out she gets very grumpy afterwards. I expect it is a bit of an anticlimax.

Food is the only thing that (sometimes) works on my 2.5 ds. Or attempts to distract once he's been lifted outside kicking and screaming...

The worst is leaving the train station to go home - 10 minute walk for me hearing "WANT MORE TRAIN! DON'T WANT GO HOME/see Daddy/have cake/watch Chuggington/whatever!!!" Even if he's been on four trains that day. As soon as he's inside the door at home he's totally fine.

And on nursery days it's "NO! NOT GET OUTTA COT! Not go nursery. No trousers. No shoes. No.", usually fine by the time we get there, and in the evening it's "NO! NOT GO HOME! WANNA STAYAT NURSERY!" and he has to be picked up and extracted. Then we have to pass the train station...

The advanced warning system worked with ds. Alot of kids get invovled in what they are doing and dont like suddenly changing. So give a 5 mins warning. In five minutes we are going to have to go home. 3 mins left, 1 min left (if in park. which thing do you want 1 last go on). Right time to go.

I tell mine that if they dontleave nicely then they wont be able to come again. Unfortunately this does mean followingthrough witht het threat a couple of times before it sinks in. so no park for acouple of days or suchlike.

Also bribery, tv at home worked well here too or as others say food!

Nowthey are older (3&5) it does seem to have paid off as they are good now at leaving, justa half hearted whinge usually.

Firm time limits, rewards and bribery.

We are leaving in 10 minutes so we can go and do x, y or z.

5 minutes left

3 minutes left, remember we need to do x, y or z.

1 minute left

Excellent, well done, here's a cracker/biscuit/fiver for listening and doing what I asked. Lets go.

keep talking, praising, waffling - even if it makes you sound like a loon. don't pause for breath or let them get a word in.

more rewards when you get home.

Thanks so much - good to know I'm not alone. I try to give time warnings but think maybe I'm not consistent enough at it, will try and do a stepped countdown rather than a just 5 min warning and then just telling them it's time to go. And I hardly ever use bribery so maybe just using it for this particular situation is the way forward, great to hear that's what everyone else does (hang on, is that why all the other kids seem to troop off to the car with no fuss because they've all been promised a treat and I'm left struggling with my little darlings?!)

Countdowns, like Cervix said. Fair warning to prepare then praise for leaving nicely. Or make it a game 'race you back to the gate' or 'bet you can't get into the buggy and click yourself in by the time I count to 30...you CAN?? wow that means I'll have to run with the buggy and give you a roller coaster ride....' and then at the end of it all :o

I agree with all bribery, fair warning and game methods given above. I did all of them with my 3 dses, with limited success.
If it's any consolation they do eventually grow out of it. Usually around the time they prefer to glue themselves to a PC.

If it's toys that are proving the sticking point I often use the 'We'll put one of those on your birthday/Xmas list', which seems to work quite miraculously, even 1o months before either of them have a birthday/Xmas. They have rarely asked to see the 'list'. Which does not actually exist, of course.

I also find that the counting down thing works. After warning and asking a few times I say 'I'm going to count to 3' and start counting. I have no idea why it works, but even the expremely stubborn and selective-hearing ds2 arrives almost instantly. I think they must do it at nursery of something because it works a treat.

You're taking them to too many nice places! Take them somewhere s**t - they won't mind leaving then (dentist, housing benefit office, night shelter?)

:)

It definitely makes me wonder why I bother doing nice things (although it's mainly because I can't bare the thought of just hanging out at home with them...) The other day I rang 'Father Christmas' (DH upstairs on speaker phone) to tell him how upset I was that DD1 had weed on the carpet again, and she was so excited at speaking to him that I almost thought she was going to do it again.

at that age usually light and breezy but clear countdown notice say bye bye to the park bye bye bench etc while determined walking to exit

• yes I know you don't want to go while carrying on and bringing attention to something else for distraction

if all else fails some bribery
ir that fails, one day (or two) kicking and screaming is fine it happens

saintly patience is needed as it is being able to pick your battles

It is my 2yo that is the problem - the 3.5yo can usually be bribed persuaded.

Had the joy of carrying dd2 under my arm wailing from the park today - then doing her best impression of a plank as I tried to strap her into the buggy while shouting "no mummy no no no, no buggy, slide slide, wahhhhhhhhhhhhh" - all under the critical eyes of a busy park!

And yes - she had many warnings that we were going to leave

sigh

Exactly what Atyourcervix does. Although for very little children with no concept of time I say things like

"you can go on one more thing (ie. at the playground) and then it's time to go"

I don't like bribery with food too often but if they have an morning/afternoon snack anyway there's nothing wrong with timing it for when you need to leave somewhere.

Or promise to do something exciting on the way home / when you get home (like favourite DVD, game etc)

Definitely the countdown thing. And have something waiting in the car or at home, and use a 'when/then' statement ('When we've all gone to the car together and you're strapped in, then you can have x').

If you need to get more hardline, you can simply start walking off and maybe hide. (As long as they're safe, of course!) You'll know your DCs best to know if it will work or backfire, but you can say, (after the countdown) 'right, I'm going to put my coat on and start walking to the car now, I want to go and have my biscuit'. They will probably hear but may take no notice. Or if one starts going with you, make a tremendous fuss of them, saying well done etc. And start to slowly walk to the gate. 'Byee'. Maybe just for good measure, say you're going to have THREE biscuits in the car, because they obviously don't want theirs. I did it with my DD1 when she was about 2.5, worked a treat. She didn't start howling, but simply got a small fright.

I'm scared of doing the walking off thing as I hate the thought that they might think I'd actually leave them there (not sure if I'm just too soft, but I want them to know I'm always going to look after them). I think it would work but couldn't bare them thinking I might abandon them. (Hmmm maybe a tad paranoid and overthinking this one though..)

It's just a way of letting them know you're in charge, not them. Again, as I said, it's something that works quickly, and as my DD was feeling rock-solid secure with her relationship with me in all other ways, it just showed her that it wasn't entirely up to her how long we stayed somewhere.

Of course I wouldn't advocate this approach if you think it would 'over-frighten' them, you know your kids best. You can do it in smaller ways, as in move towards the gate and get something out of the pushchair you know they like, and call them over. They have to want to get where you are going, however you work it.

If you're worried about them feeling abandoned, I'd compare this to how they'd feel if they're dragged away kicking and screaming - this isn't a nice scenario, either.. best not to go for a while and find something else to do where everyone leaves at the same time? That way they won't feel like they're being punished. Praise them to the skies for leaving without a fuss, however you do it. Good luck! We've all been there.