Pre-school concerned my 4 year old not socialising

[bastis]

My 4 year old daughter's nursery teacher is concerned she is not socialising with other children at pre-school where she spends 6 hours a week in 2 sessions. Apparently she is spending up to an hour playing on her own with animals and making up stories with them in which they play parts. They have done a sort of time and motion study on her to prove that she does this!!! They also are concerned she is wanting to spend time with the adults at nursery and gets toys out to cuddle when she is anxious. I feel her behaviour is perfectly normal and she is a happy and articulate little girl when not at school. I have to go and discuss this 'problem' with the teacher next Tuesday - any help or thoughts gratefully accepted.

They will have done an observational assessment which is good eyfs practice not a time and motion study.

6 hours a week isn't much- you get 15 hours free why not increase her time there which will enable her to build more relationships.

Change is a good thing - many thanks for your post.

I feel that childhood is an important time and the time when she is not at nursery she goes swimming, to ballet, trampolining and has many little friends she plays with and interacts with. The 'problem' spotted by the nursery is a nursery environment only problem as far as I can tell.

By the way it is not 15 hours free when the nursery rates are way in excess of the local authority funding rates. We pay for what we can afford.

If they will not offer 15 basic hours ie 5x3 without lunch/meals etc you need to talk to your local families information service and check that what they are doing is legal. You do get 15 hours free- they are not allowed to charge and must offer this. What some do is charge extra for non standard hours, lunches etc

There is no way that the 15 hours should only be 6 in practice. If they sign I to the scheme they have to give 15 even if it is less than their normal hourly rate.

Look on the dfe website for the code of practice under early years. It is very clear.

How long has she been going? If only a few weeks, then not to worry. But if they've observed this over a number of terms then I would try really hard to cage the mummy tiger reaction (very natural, we all do it!), and try to listen to what they are saying with an open mind.

Sometimes children can have problems that only become apparent in a nursery setting, as it's more stressful for them. If this does apply to your daughter, then there is no harm on getting it checked out (and the earlier help can be given the better for the child). Hope you have a good meeting with them, be brave.

I wouldn't worry about the spending time with adults and cuddling toys unless it's constant or at inappropriate times.

I think that 2 sessions a week isn't enough to build friendships at pre-school and as the others say, you are being cheated out of free hours. Even if the normal pre-school charge is more than they get from the free hours refund, the extra cost can not be passed onto parents.

Thanks all for the replies.

Re nursery costs. It is legal as the local council will only pay so much per hour. Also some of the nursery's sessions do not qualify for council funding anyway because they are too short. We have really looked into this with them but the council won't move on this one. We are sending her to this nursery as it is the nursery attached to the school she will eventually go to.

Re the reported behaviour. Had a long chat with the teacher and I think what is happening is that they are expecting too much of her in terms of playing with the other children in a setting that is still relatively new to her and in which most of the other children attend full time so are very much a cliche. They are also, when I spoke to them, completely misinterpreting her distress. She is not a demonstrative little girl but will want to sit beside an adult for comfort when anxious or button hole an adult to talk to. They think it is abnormal for her to want to spend so much time with adults so have been pushing her away, effectively cutting her off from her support, hence she has taken to playing on her own and disengaging from them. She said to me she thought the teacher was her friend but she has changed towards her now. I suggested the staff offer her more support in terms of cuddles and let her be near them because I have no doubt she will join in more when she is more secure. You would have thought that that was obvious - that is if a child withdraws and is unhappy it is because they feel the enviroment is threatening but the teacher when I spoke to her seemed to think that no child could ever find the nursery or the staff their threatening. I did point out it was not their point of view that mattered it was my daughters. Hopefully now things will improve.

You seem a bit defensive towards the staff.
They are only following the EYFS guidelines, and are thinking towards her going to school and interacting.
The pre school my dd goes to has a few concerns, and have arranged for her to go on an IEP... Individiual education plan.
I only think this is a good thing, as I know they have myy dds best interests at heart, and want her to do well, as we all do.

My son has similar problems to your daughter.

He doesn't play with the other children and prefers to spend time with the adults.

I actually think this is a legitimate concern and am happy that nursery are taking steps to teach him how to socialise with his peers.

Ah, sounds tricky.

Does sound like she's just not there long enough to form friendships and join in or at least hasn't so far- how long has she been there? Maybe it will just take her a little longer to get to know the other children.

My son was very much like this when we moved house and he changed pre-school. He was a bit younger- 3 and 2 months. It took him a good term and a bit to join in and make a friend. Also he took his cuddly toy every day and played games with him or involved him in chats with the teachers.

Then he went to the school nursery in Sept and took a lot less time to settle and is making lots more friends. He spends a lot more time at the school nursery than pre-school and of course is older (4 and 3 months now) so more able to make his own friends.

I'd go to the meeting (we had one at the pre-school too!) listen, nod and then see how your daughter gets on as she's there a bit longer. I didn't really have concerns about my son as he played really well with old friends in the holiday etc, just hadn't settled properly in the new environment like your daughter.

If she's going to be there long-term I would make effort in inviting other children she is there with for play-dates etc and then once she has one or two "friends" (even if a bit artificial) she may settle better.

Sorry, am I understanding you correctly in that they do not think that the adults should be giving a 4 year old, in a relatively new setting, support and cuddles? This would ring alarm bells for me. They are carers, they should care. Even the teachers in reception aren't above a quick cuddle for an upset child.

Would you think about moving her?

She sounds pretty normal to me. As long as she is interracting with other children outside of nursery then I wouldn't worry.

Some children and adults are happy in their own company. No problem there. But the school will want to help her link up with others, because a great deal of school activity is done co operatively and collaboratively - essentailly group work.