How is your 3.5 year olds behaviour at nursery

[Crusoe]

Hi any advice or reassurance welcome!
My ds started nursery a month ago and it is not going well.
Everyday I am subject to a walk of shame where the teacher tells me his misdemeanors. These seem to be not always sitting still for the story, being stubborn, not always doing what he is asked etc.
Ds is fine at home, hard work but there is nothing about his behaviour that is really worrying. Yes he is defiant and controlling but aren't a lot of 3 year olds?
The nursery have clearly labelled him as a naughty boy but he really isn't. He finds big groups hard, is a bit delayed with his speech and is used to one to one attention. I have told the school this until I am blue in the face but they just don't get him
they make me feel all the other kids are angels and he ruins it all. I feel terrible.

Well my 3.5 year old did all this and worse (He did A LOT of hitting/hurting as well) In fact he does have problems still now at 6 years old and is currently being assessed for ASD. His behaviour at home was also hard work but much better than at school (it still is)

However the behaviour of many of Ds's perfectly normal classmates in pre-school and reception also regularly caused problems.

It is dificult at this age to tell if there is a genuine problem but ds's teachers did think he had more problmes than they would expect and they found his behaviour puzzling. Given that they deal with many many children and because I thought they were very good staff I trusted their judgement.

Is the nursery staff experienced and do you trust them?. If yes go and ask if they think this is more than just normal 3 year old stuff and then take their advice. If you don't trust the staff and don't think they are experienced enough to judge whether your ds's behaviour is a real concern (rather than just normal stuff) then I would recommend a change of preschool/nursery as even if there is not serious problem your ds is soon going to be very unhappy there.

Either way you need to take a pro-active approach.

My DD was much the same on starting reception at 4. We were told she wouldn't sit still or do as she was told all the time.

In hindsight I think she was very anxious about being in a new place and wasn't sure of the boundaries yet. She also has a huge amount of energy.

Once she got used to the rules, she was fine.

I would say it's very early days for him and he may well settle with time. Just lots of positive encouragement for good behaviour may help.

Sounds perfectly normal to me, isn't that what a lot of nursery is about anyway, learning to sit still for storytime, to line up nicely, doing as the teacher says, to share nicely etc, etc.

It does sound as you say that this nursery just don't really get him, they can't expect every 3 year old to walk through the door and know all the rules.

Just noticed he's only been there a month, goodness me, he's still only just settling in and getting used to the new routine.

I would think about introducing a reward system at home with stickers, small cars etc for good days, but I do think it's a shame so early on, they don't really seem to be handling it terribly well, do they give any postive rewards, stickers for sitting nicely etc.?

Was about to post, but basically - exactly what bumblingbovine said!

They are very young at 3.5 to be expected to sit still. Some children can do this no problem but others just don't want to/feel like it/etc. I know it might not be a 'normal' answer but does he have to go to nursery? Can you keep him at home instead and schedule various activities/playgroups to do with him instead?

I have to say that I have two boys and they both settled very well in nursery and didn't have any problems, so I might not have much credibility in the matter. But in my opinion, some children are simply not 'ready' for it.

Activities that are great to learn how to listen and follow instructions:

• things like tumble tots
• music group
• anything at Sure Start that is age appropriate
• story time at library
• more energetic things like soft play areas
• playgroups at various churches
• swimming football etc.

I might be stating the obvious but do you do many physical stuff with him? After/before school? Walk to school? do lots of 'spending his energy' in some way?

I might be suggesting to 'avoid' the issue here but I just think that they are so young and some children are just not there yet.

Also, if you decide to keep him there, ask them for a detailed schedule of what the ydo and very importantly 'what is expected of your ds'. Sometimes just explaining it to him at home over and over again, and 'practicing' at home, might help. IE if they do register, how do they do it, and do it at home for fun. If they do story time, do it at home just as they would do it at school (you sit on a chair and he sits on the carpet). Some children just really struggle to understand and 'get' what is expected of them. Setting up the expectation is really important, and good teachers should do this often with children that have behaviour 'problems' (although I'm not sure your son has 'problems' as such I just think he might not be ready). I do hope this helps and I really feel for you.