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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

3 yr old behaviour in car :( please advise

15 replies

stressedatbest · 08/02/2011 18:51

I hope you can help. My 3.8 yr old DD is a lovely, but I'm finding her behaviour harder to manage than ever before:(. Its the usual toddler stuff to be honest - but the thing thats getting me down most of all right now, is her behaviour in the car when I collect her at the end of the day from her cm. She has never been great in the car - whined a lot, threw stuff on the floor and cried for it to be picked up when I couldn't - but I put it down to babyhood. Now though, she is at pre-school, can hold a full conversation,is chirpy and lovely and understands a lot, but she still plays up in the car, albeit in a different way. The brief ten min journey at the end of the day usually goes like this:
collect dd from cm, if she is having fun at time, she will not want to leave and have to be carried, wailing to the car. She will then screech all the way home and not calm down for ages afterwards. The alternative is this: if she is happy to go with me to the car, she will spend the journey getting me to open/close windows regardless of weather, and wailing if I don't. Tells me to turn om/off radio (basically whichever is the opposite of what is going on right there and then) If the heating is on, she wants it off, but will scream for it on, if its off. Its a nightmare. Whichever request is refused will be followed by whining, and my DD has a fire-engine wail that I've still not learned to cope with. The confined space of the car makes it seems so loud and I can feel the tension building inside me. I have burst into tears before now - even pulled over on longer journeys because I simply cannot drive through the wailing. Its like the whole things is a huge effort to wind me up - and I can tell you now, I almost ALWAYS snap. my response is to start shouting back at her - I've even screamed myself, which I'm not proud of.

I know the shouting back is wrong - but it feels like its the absolutely only thing that snaps her out of it. Ignoring her drives her into a frenzy of screeching that ( wet as it sounds) makes me feel like stopping the car and getting out of it. When we arrive home, I'm usually bubbling with rage, at yet another hard-working day ending like this. If I put her on a time-out when we get home, she wont stay on it - then if I ask her to say sorry, she says she doesn't know what for. The truth it - she genuinely doesn't, I can tell she's forgotten/doesn't understand. Please someone advise me:(

Fundamentally, I'd love to stop her from whining so much in all areas of life, as every little thing is a fight with her and its exhaustign - but right now I'd settle for a solution to this problem on its own:(

so stressed:(

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

3littlefrogs · 08/02/2011 18:56

Pack a small picnic and some toys. What about the small child equivalent of an iPod?

(Sorry - I am ancient and my children had small cassette players with earphones).

We had music and story tapes in the car - I drove my 2 yr old and 4 yrs old hundreds of miles up and down the country numerous times.

All the above were essential to my sanity.

3littlefrogs · 08/02/2011 18:59

Also - my almost 4 year old would happily listen to a nursery rhyme tape and follow the accompanying book.

If it is only a ten minute journey, you have to grit your teeth and ignore any troublesome behaviour.

LoveMyGirls · 08/02/2011 19:02

Theres a few ways I would try to sort this out.

A. Have a reward chart for good behaviour, explain it simply quite a few times so you are sure your dd understands how it works, possibly give her a couple of chocolate buttons the first couple of weeks until she breaks the habit.

B. Ask your childminder if she will drop her off home for you for a small fee? (I do this for a couple of my mindee's)

C. Tell your dd any bad behaviour in the car is not acceptable and you will be completely ignoring it from now on and then (the hard bit) ignore it completely, switch off from the noise and concentrate on driving, turn the music up if needed? Also explain her making too much noise and distracting you in the car is very very dangerous and may cause an accident. If you feel it is getting too much stop the car, get out for a few mins and take a breather then get backin and carry on ignoring. Once home no matter how wound up you are, wait until she is calmer then make a big fuss of her once the noise has stopped, tell her how much nicer it is when she is being good.

HerbWoman · 09/02/2011 12:07

Whenever I have had problems with behaviour in my car i've taken one of two options - which one depends on how far from home we are.
Either - (if within walking distance) say "if you can't behave in my car, you can't be in my car" and I park up, we get out and walk home. I either fetch the car on my own later when DH is home, or leave it parked up a few streets from home overnight.
Or - (if too far from home to walk) I just pull over and sit until they behave. It helps if I've got a book in my bag too as that makes it look as if I could sit for hours and not be bothered.
I'd also second the story tape/cd, or singing loudly - we went through a long phase of 'It's a long way to Tiperary' last year. Repeatedly. For weeks.

EndangeredSpecies · 09/02/2011 12:09

What HerbWoman said. Pull over and tell her you're not going anywhere till she behaves. Boring but works (until the next time).

monkeyflippers · 09/02/2011 13:11

Shit mine was like that for ages. Grown out of it now though at 4.5 It's a nightmare. I found that saying she needed to be completely quite so i could concentrate helped once she was old enough to understand this, up until then I did as you do and shouted/screamed etc.

How about pulling over and telling her you can't drive unless she is silent. If she doesn't stop get out and say your not getting back in until she is silent and she will have to sit their all night.

MadameCastafiore · 09/02/2011 13:22

Do not under any circumstances do as she says - what is all this crap that you have to open the windows - you most certainly do not - you are in charge.

I echo what everyone else says, stop the car the moment she starts, get out and stand by the car, tell her you will get back in when she stops her noise and apologises and continue this even if it takes a couple of hours to get home.

Explain to her that you have to concentrate very hard when you are driving so you don't have an accident. She knows what she is doing and you going along with her demands just fuels her fire.

Original poster

stressedatbest · 11/02/2011 18:50

thank you all very much for your replies. I felt/feel wretched for all the screaming back that I do - but I end up at breaking point, like I literally cant drive with the wailing in my ear. I even told her the other day I didn't want to be her mummy any more as she was making me so sad:( (cringe)
I guess this kind of this is all part of a bigger picture with DD at the minute.
The focus of her poor behaviour is based on wailing, whining and repition of what it is that she wants. My child is absolotely relentless - will never ever back down. People around me laugh at how stubborn she is and use words like 'spirited' to describe this trait. They say 'it'll be a great quality to have in years to come' - but I need a shorter term fix!

Anyway I know she's just a toddler and I have to ride it out - there are just days when I find it so incredibly hard.

OP posts:

CrispyTheCrisp · 11/02/2011 18:55

I turn the radio up VERY loud to drown out whining/wailing. Both DD1 and DD2 absolutely hate it and usually stop pretty quickly. I just say i don't want to hear it and that is that.

If i get repeated requests for the same thing at home i say that they should have listened to the answer the first time as it is not going to change. And then walk away. It is difficult but ignore, ignore, ignore.

theboobmeister · 11/02/2011 20:02

I can see this is incredibly annoying and really getting you down .... it is kinda normal behaviour for a kid of that age under certain circumstances, so I wonder if you might consider some of the following:

A better start to the journey/leaving the CM in a good mood. It seems from your post that this is the beginning of the melt-down. I'm guessing that both of you are very tired at this point, so no surprise.

Little kids often react badly to being interrupted when they're having fun. They do grow out of it, but in the meantime they just need a bit of pre-warning. Tell her that in 3 minutes she needs to stop and get ready to come home, then do a countdown: 2 minutes, 1 minute, 30 seconds, 10, 9, 8, 7 ... etc

Totally agree with MadameCastafiore that you should not accede to any of her demands in the car, this just rewards the attention-seeking behaviour.

Would she be amenable to a reasonable offline discussion of expected 'car behaviour'? Do this at a time when you are calm, not angry, and she is in a receptive mood. Remind her about what happened last time she was in the car. Let her talk about it/explain if she wants to. Say that you didn't like her behaviour and explain very clearly how you want her to behave. Be very specific about what you didn't like and what you want her to do instead. Perhaps offer a small reward if she behaves as you've requested. Ask for her agreement. Remind her about the deal when you are about to get in the car. At the first sign of trouble, remind her again (with a calm voice).

Very importantly, when she is displaying the correct behaviour, even if just for 20 seconds, notice and praise her for it! Positive reinforcement is so much more powerful than negative reinforcement.

Hope you can find something that works for you ... it really is a tricky age.

Dalrymps · 11/02/2011 23:06

A really difficult age, I think you've been given some great advice here.

I would just say, whatever you decide to to be consistent. I know with ds (3.3) if I give an inch he'll take a mile.

I also agree, dot give in to any silly demands and keep praising anything she does that's good.

Personally the repetiion my ds is capable of drives me bonkers but you really have to try to just ignore. Very hard to do and I do snap sometimes!

Dalrymps · 11/02/2011 23:07

Please excuse spelling mistakes etc, stupid phone!

hellymelly · 11/02/2011 23:11

no advice,but as the mother of a child the same age-all totally familiar to me!!

Anabellesmumanddad · 12/02/2011 06:11

I'd like to add that mine was like this for a while. But I echo the rules/ideas above.

try to leave day care in a good spirit. I've been known to put my kid in time-out on the pavement while I wait for her to calm down.

set clear rules, explain them to her and then STICK to them

we have kids music in the car which they love

I ask them about their day or make up stories about my day (nothing like telling them that I had to ride an elephant to get to the beach before the volcano exploded to get their attention)

have special car only toys for her

Like you said it does appear to be a bigger issue. You are in charge. Decide on what the rules are and stick to them. NEVER give into the whiny kid. (I'm totally guilty of this too btw) but it really teaches them that if you whine you get what you want.

Anabellesmumanddad · 12/02/2011 06:21

and I should add that our girls are VERY demanding. We refuse to do anything for them unless they ask in a 'nice' voice.

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