bad behaviour!

[hardworkbestfun]

Hi, my DS is 3 years and 4 months and very bright. I am separated from his dad and although he sees him he refuses to co-parent and share strategies. Fortunately I have fantastic family who also run the nursery my DS attends while I am at work full time and they back me up. My DS is very loud and talks non stop. He is also very volatile, sometimes I can anticipate a trigger for a tantrum but often they just come out of nowhere. If I challenge his behaviour he either screams at me or throws himself on the floor, cries or turns from me in a hump. He has also started being unkind and a bit rough with his cousin - she is the same age. This is totally unacceptable behaviour and I could really use some advice to nip it in the bud. The majority of the time he is a brilliant funny and loving little man but his bad behaviour is becoming more frequent and more of a problem - please help?

Hi OP. DO you mind me asking how long he is at nursery for, please? Does he behave in this way at nursery or is it just when he's with you?

Also - how often does he see his dad and how would you describe their relationship?

He loves being at nursery and goes for full days. The last 2 weeks it has been 5 days a week, it should be 2 or 3 days a week as his dad works shifts and sees him in the week but his dad hasn't been able to stick to the schedule on and off since August and it's all quite up in the air.

He was due to be at his dad's last Monday but had a major paddy for 20 minutes as he didn't want to see his dad - he wanted to play with his friends at nursery. I found it difficult to judge whether he was simply pushing against the timetable imposed on him by adults or really didn't want to be with his dad. I tried to excite adn encourage him to go by saying all the fun things he was going to do with his dad but he was adamant he didn't want to. i phonedhis dad to talk to him and for him to say how much fun they were going to have and encourage him but he stilled yelled that he didn't want to see him - my ex didn't help as instead of telling him how much he was looking forward to all the fun they were going to have he just said, 'oh don't you want to see daddy?' (in Spanish which I don't always fully understand)

The upshot was he went to nursery as my ex informed me that he wouldn't be able to have him overnight again. I tried to phone my ex to discuus on Monday he didn't pick up so I left a message saying that I thought perhaps before he picks up our little one again we should meet up and try and work out some of the issues so that we can get it all straight for his little head and work out what the problems are. He loves did dad but since the arrival of my ex's new girlfriend in August my ex has not been able to dedicate as much of his efforts to his son - he has also had money and housing issues. He deliberately goes against ds routine (later tea, later bedtime) which I explained wasn't helping but his attitude is 'my time - I do what I like with him' he treats him like a posession not a child and I really struggle with that. At drop offs when my son is returned to me, he always carries him, holds him close and whispers in his ear and my ds doesn't want to come back to me - whereas when I drop off to my ex, we hold hands, get excited and I let him know I am happy for him to be with his dad, whereas my ex milks it. The last time that he did have him over night however, a couple of weeks ago, he rang me at 10am while at work saying that ds wanted to come home - again I spoke to my son and said about going to the park etc with daddy but he creid and said he wanted to be with me. I encouraged my ex to try and distract him but that if ds was too upset bring him home - which he did and I had to leave work. (discovered ex was having relationship issues and was very distracted) In an ideal world I would love to have my son at home with me and no input from his dad, I am certain he would have a much more consistent and stable upbringing but as he has a dad who wants to be involved I do my best to manage it and support my ex to be a good dad - its just not working very well at all at the mo and I am running out of ideas. We are both first time parents so I don't expect him (or me) to be perfect but I do expect him to put our child first. I think that this is possibly contributing to my ds behaviour as he didn't see his dad in December or early January and he was much better behaved - although he did have his moments obvioulsy! He is very stubborn and things escalate quite quickly when I put my foot down, even when I give explanations and alternatives - he's often reacted loudly before I even get to that bit! :o(

OH gosh - that sounds really really tough for you and your DS.

Well, as you already know it seems his dad, the irregularity of contact, his reluctance to maintain your DS's routine (tea time, bedtime etc), and his relationship problems and housing problems are the cause ot it all - and no wonder! It explains everything about the problems you are having with your DS. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I can't be of any help or offer any advice. You talk so much sense and sound unbelievably level headed and calm and also extremely fair towards your ex.

I think his behaviour is probably normal considering what he's going through but I appreciate that that is no use to you at all, and that it's you who is having to deal with it. I hope things get easier. For what it's worth I think you're doing everything right. Maybe you could try posting this else where as it's unusual for you not to have got a wider response from your OP. What about re-wording your post as an attention grabbing question and putting it on AIBU - one that a lot of people will notice eg AIBU to be banging my head against the wall. Advice please! (Or such like). Then copy and paste or link to all the stuff you've already typed.

Good luck - you sound like a great mum. It will get better with some good strategies, but I don't know what they are.