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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

At breaking point - DD up all night for weeks

34 replies

Susiewho · 06/02/2011 11:26

I'd be VERY grateful for any advice anyone can offer.

DD (2 years, 7 months) has recently started getting up in the night and crying and crying, saying that she's "Scared". It all started when we moved her bedroom around a bit (we're moving it back again today). Until a few weeks ago, she was a very good sleeper.

She wakes up and is awake for hours, whining and crying. The only thing that stops her crying is getting in bed with us.

DP works shifts and has to drive long distances, so he's often shattered before he even starts work.

Last night, she woke up at about 1 for about an hour, and then again at 4.15 and stayed awake until we finally got up at 6. This is a typical night. She's then tired and 'unmanageable' all day.

I'm at the stage now when I can't concentrate on anything, my temper's too short and I'm really sick of being a mum, to be honest. I hate admiting that, but I don't know how else to phrase it. :(

Does anyone have any advice, please? Much appreciated!

OP posts:

Original poster

Susiewho · 06/02/2011 12:20

Bumping thread

OP posts:

Original poster

Susiewho · 06/02/2011 12:21

BTW, the reason we didn't put her room back to how it was straight away was because everyone recommended we stick with it as she'll have to get used to things like this. I feel totally foolish now.

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JarethTheGoblinKing · 06/02/2011 12:52

Has she said what it is that's scaring her?

LeChatRouge · 06/02/2011 12:58

Oh god - sounds horrible. Sleep deprivation is torture.

I would move her room back to how it was. Get a nightlight, plug in one or IKEA have movement activated ones, so off if she's asleep, but comes on if she moves around. I know how easy it is, but I wouldn't let her into your bed, not fair on your DP, just take her back to bed and reassure her. Could she have a storytape on quietly to distract her? Lavender drops on her pillow?

Speaking from experience, it's a phase, although I am sure it doesn't feel like this just now.

Original poster

Susiewho · 06/02/2011 13:05

Hi,

Thanks for your replies.

She won't say what's scaring her, but she often then says she needs the toilet or a drink, so I think it's really that she just wants to be in bed with us. She has no problem in going to bed and likes playing in her bedroom.

She has a nightlight. We also leave the door open with the landing light on, when she asks for that. A storytape sounds like a good idea, thanks for that.

I really resist allowing her into our bed and that's why sometimes we get up at 4 or 5 and go downstairs.

Our house isn't very big and when she cries and shouts DP's woken up even if she's not in our room. It breaks my heart because he works so hard and I see him leaving the house absolutely shattered. He's always having to pull over because of tiredness. His brother was killed in a car crash, so he's very aware of safety on the roads.

Sorry, I know I'm rambling, but I feel so helpless.

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milkyway2007 · 06/02/2011 13:09

Maybe she is not ready to be in a bedroom by herself.
You could move her back in, and then try again when she's a little older - try to make he new bedroom special - let her choose the decorations or a new teddy that "will look after her" during the night

Sorry you're in such a state. Motherhood can get hard - but try to understand your daughter, and what kind of personality she is developing - she may be scared of sleeping on her own just yet.
Personally, I dont believe in letting a child sleep in their own room until age 4 - my daughter will be 4 in November. Right now she sleeps through the night, but will cry some other nights. Its reassuring for her that we are in the same room.

I hope you find a solution - do what you think is best for your daughter - and I hope youre ok.

Original poster

Susiewho · 06/02/2011 13:12

She's been in her own room for a couple of years and slept through from an early age. She has her favourite little night time teddies in the bed with her. She recently helped me put a Wallace and Grommit poster up which was in the Radio Times, so she's pleased with that. She's happy in her room, until it's the middle of the night.

I hope this is just a phase!

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JarethTheGoblinKing · 06/02/2011 13:13

Do you think they're night terrors? DS started with them at about this age, and he would be crying and screaming, eyes open and talking, but wouldn't be properly awake. It's awful and he gets so distressed. On nights when he has them a lot on of us will sleep in with him as that does seem to reassure him. They don't happen as often now (he's 3)

I don't agree with milkyway (sorry :) ), especially if she's been in her bedroom for a while already and has usually been fine, but I do think her suggestion of a special teddy to look after her is a good one. DS has my old bear from when I was little who has special magic powers (no, really) and can scare away monsters :)

Original poster

Susiewho · 06/02/2011 13:16

I'm not sure if they're night terrors. Is that the same as a nightmare? When we ask what she's scared of there doesn't seem to be anything.

She has her favourite teddies in with her and has always been fine until a few weeks ago.

OP posts:

milkyway2007 · 06/02/2011 13:17

I'd just like to reiterate - I dont impose my views on anyone - every parent has their own way of bringing up their children - so dont be sorry for not agreeing with me jareth :)

Original poster

Susiewho · 06/02/2011 13:18

I'm perking up just by chatting to you all. Thanks very much for your support.

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JarethTheGoblinKing · 06/02/2011 13:26

They are like a nightmare, but when I have one it's like a waking nightmare and I need to be woken up from it. They're horrible and when DS has them he's totally inconsolable until we properly wake him up.

What is she like when she's up in the night?

Original poster

Susiewho · 06/02/2011 13:31

When she wakes up, she cries for a minute, then gets up and walks into our room and climbs onto our bed. When we tell her to go back to her bed, she says she's frightened. When we ask what of, she just says "My bedroom" and that she wants to sleep with mummy and daddy.

We take her back to bed and then she says she needs the loo. Then it's often a drink. If I refuse she screams and screams.

She's no half so demanding during waking hours, and it's really difficult to keep calm in the middle of the night.

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flamingtoaster · 06/02/2011 13:34

If she is having nightmares/terrors (or even if she isn't) it might be an idea to put a dreamcatcher up and explain that it helps keep bad dreams away. Might help her to relax a bit.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 06/02/2011 13:37

Ah, that doesn't sound like night terrors actually.. maybe something sparked off her feeling scared in her bedroom though.

See how you go tonight after you've put it back to how it was, telling her that her bedroom isn't scary anymore and she's sleeping in there tonight.

Original poster

Susiewho · 06/02/2011 13:39

Yes, we'll put her room back how it was and cross our fingers. We had to move it as we put a new toybox in there post-Christmas pressies, but we can try to accommodate it better.

Thanks again. I appreciate your advice very, very much.

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lukewarmmama · 06/02/2011 13:55

I think you have to be really firm about saying no to getting into bed with you (unless you're happy with this as medium to long term solution). I know with my DD1, the moment we give an inch (and god its hard not to do when every atom in your body is crying out for sleep), and either sleep in her room or let her sleep in ours, then that is it for the next few nights - she'll be awake wanting the same thing again. Utter consistency is all she (quite reasonably) understands - I think some children are just like this, she hates anything not being 'just so'. So moving her room back is also a good idea.

Also second the getting a nightlight - you can get huggable ones, or a groclock type thing to show her when it is acceptable to be up and when not. (we have both!)

Re the stalling tactics - just try to keep calm and patient and eventually she'll run out of reasons to delay getting back into bed. If she wants a drink, can't she keep a spill-proof cup by her bed? Anything unreasonable (eg wanting to start playing at 3am) should be met with a quiet but firm, 'no, its nighttime, even if you don't want to sleep, its quiet time so everyone else can sleep'. If she's mucking around, just sit in her room and don't participate - no talking or anything - then give a warning that in X time you are going back to bed, sit for a bit longer, then out and ignore the screams (although you'll obv. have to go back in if she doesn't quiet down after a couple of mins).

Also, have you explained to her that you are only in the next room, and you're always there, so there is no need to worry? It sounds really obvious, but our problems with DD1 lessened after I did that very simple thing!

Its tough, I know. I was up for 2 hours with DD1 last night as a simple giving her her asthma meds turned into a full blown 'but I'm NOT tired mummy' at 2.30am. Between her and DD2, and their colds, haven't had a full nights sleep in a good couple of weeks now, and am remembering exactly why it is I don't want another baby.

This too shall pass - calm and consistent and reassuring is the key. If you're already moving her room back, then give that a couple of nights before trying something else etc. Don't change everything at once.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 06/02/2011 14:03

I was just going to type a long post but lukewarm just said it all for me

CarGirl · 06/02/2011 14:10

I think there are a few different approaches:

She can sleep in your room on a mattress on the floor - get a cheap foam cot/cot bed one. So she staggers in and can sleep there but not in your bed. Hence you all sleep okay.

You do rapid return

You take her back to her bed and sit with her till she fall asleep.

You put a spare mattress on her bedroom floor that you sleep on

You get a bigger bed and let her co-sleep with you both.

These will all work so just pick the one that you can commit to

Original poster

Susiewho · 06/02/2011 14:10

Thanks for the advice, luckewarm. I hope you get a good night's sleep soon.

Yes, we need to be firm and consistent.

We do have a nightlight, which she seems to like.

She did have a spill-proof cup by her bed, but it's the only time she's ever wet herself at night, so I didn't like the idea of it again. She shouldn't need a drink at night, as she has plenty of fluids in the day. Perhaps I should put the cup out again though.

Sometimes I sleep with our door open and the landing light on, so she can see me from her bed. That isn't enough for her!

It's exhausting!

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Original poster

Susiewho · 06/02/2011 14:13

Thanks CarGirl. I opt for rapid return.

Easy to say in the cold light of day!

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CarGirl · 06/02/2011 14:15

Braver woman than me - I slept on the floor, turned out they had earache so it was all over and done with after a couple of weeks!

Original poster

Susiewho · 06/02/2011 14:18

I'm not brave, I'm desperately tired! :)

This has been going on since soon after Christmas.

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buttons99 · 06/02/2011 14:19

I am going to go against the grain and say for me we all needed sleep and as my ds was waking my other children up we did let him sleep in our room. BUT he did not sleep with us. I made him a little bed of his own on my side of the bed. He had a spare cot mattress I still had and a spare duvet and he would come in and hop into that when he was scared and we all got a good nights sleeep. At most I would sometimes hold his hand until he fell asleep. HE ALWAYS started off in his own bed though. It worked for us, he is 16 now and doesn't do it now!!! so it was only a short term measure he grew out of.
Not what the books or professionals would advise but worked for us.

CarGirl · 06/02/2011 14:30

I agree buttons - if they are feeling insecure why not give them the security.

I found it easier to sleep in their room (our room is too small to even have a cot mattress on the floor) but either way mean you get a fairly decent nights sleep!

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