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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Son 4 bad behaviour at school - should i cancel his birthday?

17 replies

Origami1 · 04/02/2011 09:39

I've just been told by his teacher that my 4 year old has been exhibiting "bizarre" behaviour at school over the last few weeks.This includes spitting at dinner ladies, charging at other children and generally not sitting still. I am really shocked I've never even seen him spit! Im also horrified and want to stamp out this behaviour swiftly. I have had brief chat with him about his behaviour and will have a more indepth chat tonight. His birthday is next week and I am seriously considering not celebrating it if his behaviour does not improve at school between now and then. Do you think this is too harsh? I really want the message to get home that his behaviour is completely unacceptable.

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countrybump · 04/02/2011 09:44

He's only 4, so IMHO, cancelling his birthday is too harsh a punishment. If this is behaviour he only exhibits at school, I think you need to have another talk with his teacher about what might be causing it, and come up with a plan together about how to tackle it.

Maybe reward good behaviour with a treat. Start a star chart etc?

MarshaBrady · 04/02/2011 09:47

No don't cancel the birthday. He is too young. He needs to understand how to behave and it may take some stronger instruction from you and the teacher. It will take work, and time but will be worth it.

Cancelling a birthday is a quick fix and will probably make him angrier more likely to exihibit angry behaviour.

Talk, instruct, say no. No we don't do that etc Over and over again.

Danthe4th · 04/02/2011 09:48

Bit harsh to cancel the birthday. He is very young and something is causing the change in behavior.
The bad behaviour is at school so school will deal with it with your support, but continue to give loving support at home,perhaps he is going through a tough time and can't express why. I would seperate the 2 places, school and home, otherwise it will just become very negative for him, he is very young and is learning how to behave with other children.
You say you've had a chat with him, leave it for a bit and see if it has sunk in.

MarshaBrady · 04/02/2011 09:49

Also help him deal with how he feels. If he feels cross help him walk away to calm down.

MmeLindt · 04/02/2011 09:52

No. Don't cancel his birthday.

Sit down and have a good chat and try to work out what the problem is.

Could you ask the school if he could do chores, maybe "help" the dinner ladies to apologise for spitting at them?

How is he normally? Is this very out of character for him?

MarshaBrady · 04/02/2011 09:53

School is a huge change for children. The noise etc He may need help dealing with this.

Original poster

Origami1 · 04/02/2011 10:05

He is not normaly aggresive in any way and as i said I've never even seen him spit before. I think his behaviour has more to do with trying to impress the other children, for some reason doing or saying something naughty is terribly funny to him. At home if he has been told off he gets quite upset and gets in strops at which point i send him to his room. Then he always comes down later and apologises at which point i give him a hug. I understand that at 4 you have alot of emotions that you are not sure how to handle but spitting and misbehaving for a teacher are very serious issues that i am not prepared to accept from him. My thoughts on not celebrating his birthday were centered around showing him the gravity of the situation with regards to his behaviour at school. He loves TV but only gets to watch it infrequently as when i turn it off (despite pre warning him it will be turend of in 10 mins etc) his tantrums are awful.I have decided he will have no TV whatsoever until his behaviour improves at school but beyond that the only other thing i could think of was cancelling his birthday.

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Original poster

Origami1 · 04/02/2011 10:08

I should add that he is turning 5 and is quite used to noisy environments etc as he has been in nursery full time since he was 1. So i don't think school has been a culture shock for him.

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Carrotsandcelery · 04/02/2011 10:16

I agree with Mmelindt - doing something to help the dinner ladies, for example helping to clear up after lunch, would make the punishment fit the crime. It would also mean that if he was trying to show off he would see how that backfires.
He could do the same for the teacher. If he was cheeky to her then he could spend part of his break helping to tidy or sort out something in the classroom. Again, he would see that showing off backfires.
He is only little though. Although you want to nip this in the bud you don't want to breed anger and hostility. Tread firmly but cautiously or it could make things far worse. Easier said than done I know.
I also agree that in these moments we need to take every opportunity we can to praise, praise, praise - this is generally far more effective than any punishment. Praise, specifically, every single little good thing that he does, however trivial it is.

MarshaBrady · 04/02/2011 10:29

I thought I would mention it as ds1 did exhibit some different behaviour even though he had been in nursery.

Agree with praise, praise for the good stuff.

Simic · 04/02/2011 11:10

Don't try to "pay him back" for his behaviour. He needs a good, loving relationship with you to enable him to work through his confusion and problems and his development. Have a great birthday and use the birthday as well as other times just to enjoy being together. Show him you're there to support him and love him no matter what. The rest of the stuff you can sort out with him from that basis.

BluddyMoFo · 04/02/2011 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumeeee · 04/02/2011 12:12

Don't cancel his birthday, Much to harsh a punshiment for a 4 year old

Davsmum · 04/02/2011 12:38

Its one thing to take away a privelege but to cancel an important event like a birthday is too harsh.
There must be a reason for his behaviour and it is more important to find out what is behind that, than doling out punishment.
Of course you have to let him know that his behaviour is unacceptable by talking to him.

What is the schools stance on all this ? How do they deal with him when he behave this way ? This is something that the teacher should be working on with you and not leaving you to sort it out alone.

Original poster

Origami1 · 04/02/2011 14:49

thanks for the advice all, I'm going to have a chat with the teacher today to see how his behaviour has been today. I'm also going to work on the praise element as I can see that not celebrating his birthday may cause more harm than good. This whole thing has knocked me for six, I'm so anxious about handling this right.Will enagage his teacher about sorting this out.Thanks again.

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Carrotsandcelery · 04/02/2011 15:01

I feel for you Origami - these things are not easy. Don't get it out of proportion though. He is a wee boy. He will make mistakes. If you ask the adult males you know what they got up to when they were wee then they will tell you some horror stories and the majority of them turned out fine.

Just love him and praise him

spurs12345 · 05/02/2011 22:00

Dont think you should cancel his birthday as this seems a really harsh thing to do. What I would do though is get him to write a sorry letter to the dinner ladies and to also get him to write a letter to all the children in his class. Not one child at a time but a letter addressed "to all the children". Also try taking privileges away from him. A reward system works well with kids of this age. Work on one with the school. Show your son you are working with the teachers on this one. Also you could try a sticker chart with him. Also as for the not sitting still I wouldnt worry too much about that as he is only 4 years old. Theres older kids who find it hard to sit still. Also only give one punishment at the moment. How and why has he become like this at school? It could be that another child is telling your son to spit at the dinner ladies as kids of that age find things like that funny. Try to work with the teachers on this one and dont worry. I reckon its a phase he is going through though. As for the charging at other children if this is during lesson time then maybe the teachers need to put him on a time-out. If this is during play-time then maybe he could be playing with them but in a rough way. Invite some other kids home on a play-date and see for yourself how he interacts with them.

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