8 Year Old - MH or behaviour? LONG, sorry

[CassieS]

My son is 8 years old and I worry like mad about him.

His dad and I split up when he was 14 months old. EXP and I were mainly amicable, except for a few times when he shouted/once spat at me in the street. We shared the care of our DS, pretty much 50/50. And he is a fantastic dad, always puts our son first and is firm but fair, discipline-wise.

Son aged 4, I moved away from our home town, about 30 miles away, to be nearer to my mum, and to start a new life. I thought long and hard about my decision, and it seemed like the right thing to do, for my son and me, at the time. The move meant that my son would only have contact with his dad every fortnight and school holidays.
Although he was not happy, DS?s dad did agree that he supported our move. I involved him in finding childcare, and I have always considered DS and EXP with all aspects of DS? care/education.
I have had very few relationships since XP and I split. I have never included DS as I wanted to be sure that they were ?on? before I expected him to accept mummy?s friend etc... EXP has had one serious relationship, with a woman who had a DD two years older than our DS. I asked to meet this woman but she was never forthcoming, so I trusted EXP as good dad, that she was OK. EXP tells me, out of the blue, that DS wants to move in with him (EXP) and family! We discuss this, and it seems to be that DS considers EXP?s situation to be more ?family? than ours. Discuss different family types with DS. All seems OK and DS wants to stay with DM.
DS begins getting in trouble and being aggressive at school (by now aged 5/6). EXP and I go into school ? he denies problems at home ? I (feeling guilty because I moved away) and being bereaved of close family member, blames self. We leave school with not much advice. Thankfully, DS stops aggressive behaviour but it transpires that EXP and his DP are arguing and his DP is treating MY DS badly ? shouting at him and prioritising him after dog. I am pissed off that he (EXP) did not come clean at school, but let it go.
EXP now with lovely woman ? I know mutual friends. DS very happy going to stay with EXP and his new DP and her family.
DS is lovely, funny, handsome and clever ? and this is reinforced regularly. So, any ideas why he punches himself in the face and calls himself ?stupid?, an ?idiot? or says he wants to kill himself?
IS it childhood attention seeking, or should I be worried?

try play therapy? that way an expert can get to the bottom of it without direct questioning. you can ask gp to see if it is possible to get a referral (some areas will) but it might be better to just pay privately.

if the play therapist flags anything concerning, ask for camhs follow-up. but the play therapists are usually quite good at building confidence and esteem in a not-obvious way...

a friend used a play therapist for her then 8yo who hated himself and wanted to kill himself and said he was useless.

it was very helpful for both the family and the ds.

Thanks for your reply, will ask GP.

hi this may very likely be the result of the abuse your DS recieved from your EXP's DP without having anyone to talk to about it. he needs to be evaluated by a social worker or something like that (school counselor perhaps). he also may have childhood depression which is a fairly commom result of caregiver abuse. look into these things you, want to nip in the bud before he reaches puberty otherwise...things could get REALLY complicated. good luck:)

Hi Cassie, this is not because of anything you have done so stop beating yourself up about moving away from his Dad.
I'd say this is a self esteem issue coupled with the dramatics which 8 year olds seem very good at (Mum of an 8 year old DS too so believe me can understand that bit).
The self esteem stuff is probably because of your exP's XP shouting at him - it has probably made him feel sad about himself or bad. It's good she is no longer in the picture.
My DS can be very good at hitting himself (he has autism so can whack himself alot given half a chance) however, I found a book recently called "A Volcano In My Tummy" which talks about feeling angry and upset. Basically the book reinforces that it;s okay to feel angry BUT don't hurt others, don't hurt yourself, don't hurt property, DO talk about it. It sounds as though your DS hits himself when he's angry about something so it might help.
There are also all manner of self esteem raising ideas out there and the schoo,l should be able to help with this. I know your DS has no special needs but the school's special needs co-ordinator should be able to suggest stuff and might even have some books on the premises which could help.

Hope that helps a little bit.

I would definitely do your best to get him specialist help. At this age they are only just beginning to be able to express themselves in words, and a lot of things can be pent up inside. As your GP and the school (the SENCO might be able to help).

Stop beating yourself up about moving, it is only 30 miles! Around here lots of people commute more than that to work, and some to school.

I do wonder if your EXP is as wonderful as you say, but maybe I'm just cynical.

Good luck!