Struggling Family..Advice anyone please?

[FamousArtist]

I have a loving husband (albeit a ranty one when stressed which we are) and two lovely children.

I work for myself and love what I do - I fit what I do around the children and in a haphazard way it works - my busineess is on the cusp of success and am very excited and passionate about it. I believe enjoying my work and devoting time to it sends good messages to children (although of course they are my priority).

Success for what I do has been a long time coming but this year should see a turn from my struggling in scammy studios for £8k per year to a much more decent turnaround - which of course means some security for my children and peace of mind for me.

My DH worked in a great job for 11 years until 3 years ago when he went freelance. It has been a nightmare - we had to move from our wonderful house in London where all our pals were to move back to where we both grew up (we are from the same place but didn't know each other then - wierd eh?) This in itself isn't such a bad thing as it was always our plan to leave London when our children were about 5/6. oIt still really hard though - we are 18 months in now and have made some pals but I miss London very much - all the possibilities that came by being there (even if they were just in my head!) - I can't really describe it but I miss it and I miss us in London.

My problem is that my relationship with DH as albut broken down. We do love one another dearly but I have no words left for him to help him get back on his feet workwise - I am talked out. He is a very talented writer but he refuses to write and even more than write - send his work off for publication - its just sooooo frustrating - maybe its the fact that I am such a doer - I don't know.

We did do relate last year for 2 sessions together and he did 3 on his own - I can't say it moved our worlds but probably helped. I am so concerned for our children as they can read to pressure that is in the room when we are together especially during what would normally be work hours. DH is a big loud but loving man - you know when he is in the room - I feel utterly hemmed in by him.

Am sure that DH is just a low as I am but I wish he would go and get a job - a rubbish job just to keep the consistancy and to pay the rent at least - is this really mean of me? I feel awful for wishing a crap job on him. The good news is that he is beginning to teach - adult ed...little acorns and all that eh?

Lastly - am concerned that the babes are picking up on our situation - they seem utterly full on...

Any advice anyone? All thoughts appreciated...

I know exactly how u feel, my partner got made redundant 12 months ago. He knew he was gonna lose his job 6 months prior and just assumed he'd walk in to another even tho he'd been in that one many yrs and had worked up from the bottom, hence no quals.
Since then he's just getting under my feet and has no drive or determination to better himself. I keep suggesting college courses and he makes all the right noises in all the right places then does nothing about it.
I'm such a doer, I drive him mad by tidying up around him and he drives me mad by being so laid back and cos hes around constantly we end up bickering, recently hes taken to going to his mums most days just so hes not hen pecked and i can get stuff done.
Isnt there anything he can do with your business? If yours is becoming more successful is there no role he can do? maybe PA etc where he can get out n about?

Hi Flojo

Thanks for answering - its so hard isn't it.

People just keep saying 'something will turn up' again and again..I know in my heart that if he is busy he'll feel so much better about himself instead of being tossed and turned about but his own feelings of uselessness.

I think the idea of your partner going to your mums is a good one - my parents in law have done something similar only its me that goes there to work!

Have you thought about working for yourself? You sound like you would be very good at it....

I think you may be right about him working with me...aaarggh!!

He must go out and earn a living for his family. What is his excuse? I don't blame you for losing respect for him.

ouch - you are right of course but am so talked out - should I be more of a fish wife about it?

Thanks for your thought on it

I tried the hard line and it just caused more problems, instead of him seeing what he is doing he focused on the fact i was nagging him so much and lost sight of the reason why. Ava isnt that a bit sexist? if you'd said the other way round that a woman should stay home while the fella 'earned a living' there'd be an outcry! Have u tried getting a job in the current unemployment crisis? My fella started off quite motivated but now hes been turned down from so many jobs hes disheartened, where once his skills were valued and now he struggles to get any old job.
Something probably will 'turn up'. And in money isnt an issue then perhaps u need to seperate each issue. Getting under your feet, try the softly softly giving him stuff to do, mines quite good with DIY if i can motivate him so i try to make him feel useful that way.
I end up being the one doing the job hunting for him half the time, sending off his CV etc. I certainly wouldnt employ him!!

FamousArtist (an auspicious name if ever there was one!), I haven't really got any advice, but as another freelancer in the arts I wanted to offer a bit of sympathy.

Do you think perhaps that your DH isn't suited to freelancing, and needs to be back writing in an employed capacity? I'm someone who needs a place of work, a structure, and colleagues, perhaps your DH has lost his way since being under his own steam?

It sounds like his confidence has hit rock bottom, and trying to promote himself and his work is just too much. Like a lot of people in the creative industries his self-esteem is probably intrinsically linked to his job, and it all sounds like he's in a bit of a cycle of despondency. Perhaps he too feels 'out on a limb' by leaving London, where of course there is a much higher density of people in artsy jobs.

I don't think it's mean of you at all to want a break from him and his negativity.

How were things when you were earning so little and he was the breadwinner?

Sorry, reading my post back I hope I'm not coming across as if I'm trying to say I know your DH better than you do!

I suppose what I'm saying is, for people who've until now made a living doing something that is also their passion and their vocation, it's not as easy as 'just getting a job', is it? It's great that your vocation and passion is now turning into an income, but perhaps that's making your DH feel even more of a failure, and so he's digging in his heels even more.

Well done you though!

Oh I don't know, I'll shut up now.

Hello ladies

Thank you so much for your thoughts - they are all valid and are helping me to not feel so horribly alone in our situation.

Overtired & Showing off - thanks for the point about my work making him feel even worse - right now he has just left to deliver an order that came in - happy as larry to do that.

DH is so creative but you are absolutely right about him not really suiting freelancing. When we met he had a great job that he had been in for 11 years - the entire company loved him and more importantly his work - he was top of his tree.

Thank you very much again

Flojo - well done on doing the proactive bit and sending out his CV's - how is your DH doing now? Probably worth mentioning too that sadly money is a problem but we are managing to keep our chins above the water - probably up to just under the mouth now!

Am going to leave the fish wife bit and just motor on...

That's great that he's happy to help you in your business, perhaps as things continue to take off for you he'll be busier and will spend less time stewing. Fair play to him that he's not being all jealous/macho about it and refusing to help you!

Are there any opportunities for him to find writing work within an organisation where you're living now? Writing's not my field I'm afraid, so perhaps I'm suggesting something daft. I can completely see how he feels now he's cast adrift from his previous job. I'm the same, very creative, good at what I do, but the freelance lifestyle doesn't suit me. Does your DH realise that about himself, do you think? He doesn't have to see this as a failing.

Obviously you as a family need a certain level of income, so perhaps you don't have the luxury of the current situation going on much longer. It's obviously taking its toll emotionally too. That said, is there a way you could perhaps give yourselves a bit of breathing space? Maybe give the situation a different spin, and look at it as your time to keep you all afloat and blossom in your career, with your DH supporting you and the DCs in a practical 'doing' sense? Perhaps your DH would be able to find something positive in that too, if he felt the pressure to write were totally off him, and for the next while he is fulfilling a different role?

At least you're not both writers, I don't understand how two people doing the same competitive arty jobs ever manage to make a relationship work!

Hang in there, it doesn't seem to me that your DH is a lazy sod who needs some fishwife yelling , it seems he's lost his way, things for you are on the up and he hasn't yet found his place in your new location and life.

Sorry, another mammoth post there!

Oh gosh don't be sorry you are so on the nail!

Thanks very much - have read and reread your posting x

How are you feeling OP? Any improvement?

Hello Overtired and showing off! (funny old name but i get it totally!)

Thanks for checking in. Well its Monday morning, I have lists of jobs up to my eyeballs and whilst he is helping me you can see he feels, dejected, angry, bit spoilt and wanting to be anywhere but here - that said its Monday morning, we both have stinking colds and feeling a bit rubbish.

Having done much thinking though, I do feel like the 'coming backness' of our situation has had much more of an impact on him than I have realised - he spent a long time wanting to get away from here when he was younger.

His brother and family live about 4 hrs from here in a beautiful part of the world which we both love - we had talked about living there - we would have family support, be continuing on with our lives and living in somewhere quite inspiring for us both.

Am coming round to this and think that given another year or so to get his adult ed teacher training courses done we could look at relocating our family there..feels mighty scary moving again though...what about the impact of another move on the kids etc etc etc etc...?

Thanks for thinking of us

Ah, my name used to be a common admonishment of children where I grew up. If your behaviour was anything other than exemplary you were "overtired and showing off'.

I've been thinking about you because your and your DH's predicament resonated with me, same sort of career, I too left London etc etc. Didn't realise you'd Moved Back Home. Disastrous!!!! But then I would say that, because I come from somewhere truly vile.

I think the move sounds great. What's not to like about living somewhere inspiring? Also your DH will then be able to see his current situation as a temporary one, he can get his qualifications done while he's in exile, and then make a new start. Then hopefully you can arrive in a new lovely place, your work will have continued to gain momentum, and it'll be his turn for something nice to happen.

I have no experience of moving kids I'm afraid, my DD is still a baby.

It sounds like brighter times could be ahead, hope so anyway!

Hello there!

Brighter times...ah thats sounds lovely. Thank you so much once again for thinking things over for us - you were in the same career? When did you leave London? Hows life with a tiny one? Hard work, thankless but wonderful at the same time?

This webchat thing has really helped me when I needed it.

PM-ed you!