im ashamed to say, im frightened of my dd!

[NightHowl]

im hesitant to post this as i know every couple of months i post about how my dd is driving me crazy but she is getting even worse.

the other day she had 15 full blown tantrums, including one in the doorway of a restaurant and no-one would come to seat us (cant say i blame them). we had to go. then she started biting me every time i wasnt looking at her. when shes tantruming i have to pick her up like a baby and she kicks me in the head. she also runs up behind me and her brother and hits us with things. she is, quite frankly, horrible and i hate feeling like this. i dread every day. im not really physically scared of her but my nerves are permanently on edge for fear of upsetting her iyswim?

i dont even have to DO anything to upset her. sometimes she will scream at me and shake with temper because ive offered her a drink, or some food, things she usually likes. she's hardly eating at all these days. she screams with temper when visitors leave, but strangely not when i leave a room. she screams if i happen to brush past one of her toys, or if i give her the wrong toy...there's lots but i cant think of them all right now..basically most things upset her. i think that maybe sometimes im not giving her enough attention but its impossible, im a single mum and i CANT spend every waking minute playing with her.

she's 21 months now and has always been like this...is it ever going to stop!!!??? i love her dearly but looking after her, im ashamed to say, just feels like a chore most of the time.

is there something im missing? ive tried routines, eating meals at the same time (end result of that is she doesnt eat hers, screams to be let out of the highchair and comes along poking her fingers into my food, so i offer it her and she doesnt want it). she cant talk much but understands most things, i threaten her with bed or to sit on her own and cool off for a while but she's probably too young for that to work. where am i going so wrong with her? her brother has always been so well behaved, he was a baby full of sunshine and is now a young boy just the same.

In theory yes start again but in practice you could be there all day, you are watching for the bit where she actually realises she's be bad and gets that guilty sheepish look. If you can get an apology then great, hugs and all forgotten.

Going to bed as it is 2:30 and strict mummy's need their sleep . I will be looking for updates on the new regime .

Good luck! You can use my motto
Mean what you say and say what you mean

thanks for everyone's advice. im going to bed soon too, very tired. tomorrow is a new day. (although i doubt i will see results that fast)..but i will update anyway!

Hi Nighthowl - I think you've got my almost 21month dd's long lost twin! We have exactly the same food issues and I am now being brave and just offering the main meal if that isn't eaten I just say "finished? - ok" and take it away - sometimes she asks for pudding and I say you have to eat your luch before pudding, so no pudding today and then try and distract her. I find the hardest part is that when at nursery (4 days) she eats like a horse and I only have three days to try and break the behaviour pattern with me!

As regards the tantrums, I'm lucky enough not to have experienced too many of those but she went through a stage of screaming when I touched a toy or her beloved muslin and I did the Supernanny thing of getting down on my knees and saying really firmly "you don't scream at mummy please" and of course she just whimpered and ran off but I have to say it took a few weeks and she doesn't do it nearly so often now! I had the sofa/radiator issue too and I tried the naughty stair and it works!! Once she started to understand that that was where she would go if she continued to do it, she soon went off the idea. It is quite hard to make a 21 month old understand the concept of the naughty step (for me anyway!) but I would give her one warning and if she did it again I would sit with her, explaining that mummy said no, so we sit here for a little while (1min 30secs). I just bought an egg timer and explain that when it goes "ding" we can go and play. When it goes ding (if she is calm again) I ask her to say sorry and she gives me a hug and we go and play.
Hope this helps a little bit! Good luck

hi we have very similar issues with our 2 yr old. ~She has massive tantrums where she rolls around, bangs her head and hits. When at home it is much easier to ignore and I find that this does limit the extent of the tantrum - when you're out it's alot harder!!! She can start with anything - offering her something she doesn't want etc etc - so I know exactly how you feel - you feel you're treading on eggshells all the time. As far as food goes she's not bothered and have a hard time. I'm finding now that I amgetting stricter and if she doesn't eat she doesn't get a pudding. I leave her dinner out (ie if bread and butter or something and then if she gets hungry later she has some of this instead of a snack). At the minute I find that distraction at the table helps to some extent. We have a nursery rhyme cd playing which has helped or sometimes books - i know that everyone says not to do this and it does mean that I end up feeding most of her meals but its very difficult when you know she will then eat? i also welcome any suggestions regarding tantrums especially headbanging or food issues.

All the ideas sound good.

perhaps you could also think about getting a little table & chair for her meals - instead of the highchair - I think she is a little old for it ?

I would be very firm about the meal times, it doesn't really matter if she gets up, what's important is she is eating nicely. Definetely no snacks & if she is having any squashes, or anything with artifical colours/flavorings, cut those out too. I wouldn't make a fuss about puddings, just offer her her meal, & if she doesn't eat it, take it away (don't make a scene though & throw it in the bin) & don't offer anything until next meal. HTH

don't blame yourself for her behaviour or try to compensate for anything that you think may be causing it, its not your fault - you're a good mum.

Hi knat i wouldn't worry to much about using nursery rhymes or books at the table at this age Its all about making meals a positive experience.

Sometimes we still have teddies propped up on the table with their little portions on mini plates that magicaly dissapear much to my kids delight (my eldest is 8 yrs and daft as a brush). Mealtimes are for sharing stories, telling jokes and just generally family time.

Maybe involve the child in a bit of food preperation, make your own pizzas with shop bought bases, ice cakes, chop veg, cut up fruit. We sometimes do little buffets/ tapas with little dishes of all sorts of stuff and they make up sandwiches or wraps.

i tried the highchair thing before...its one of those cube ones which converts into a little table and chair, she screamed her head off!! she's only a dot (21 lb) so i dont think she's uncomfortable in it or anything but perhaps i should take it apart and try again, tell her she's a big girl now and has to eat nicely....then run before she pelts me with food . i tried the getting-down-to-her-level thing today, she looked at me in disgust, turned her head away and buried it between the sofa cushions. stupid question...how do you make a child look at you!!!!??? im useless.

Nightowl - you are NOT useless, we just feel that way from time to time. Much easier to say to someone else! Persevere with the getting down to their level thing it does work eventually but you must make sure you speak really firmly but not shout (tempting!). Have you tried a booster seat at the adult table? I'm gonna try the distraction thing with a CD and dollies with their own meal. The things we do in the name of sanity!

Good luck and keep us posted on your progress!

Stick with it, wait until she's 12!![grin} Then you'll know about tantrums. Seriously, my oldest, now 15, used to run at the front door and knock himself out, because he was so cross. Try using a bean bag in a quiet place, and using words like "if you're cross and sad and mad, tell the beanbag and hit it until your happy face/smile comes back" and then ignore her, for attention seeking. Try a star chart right next to it and when she's finished the tantrum and said sorry (if she can) give her a cuddle and a star. She must be sorry though, or no star. Hopefully, you could introduce the stars for good behaviour, even if it seems really trivial to you, it's a big thing to her. Maybe half an hour of "being good", eating 3 mouthfuls without pandering to her. Mums are made to feel guilty all the time and she sounds like she knows which buttons to press. Everyone (well, me) dislikes their child at some stage, loves them to bits, but really gets up your nose. Try a visual reward things, marbles/pasta in a jar. Try and ignore the bad, difficult especially when you're out. (whole threads on mumsnet about supermarket tantrums etc} Just come on here and rant, kids are kids, little ......sometimes, but I suppose we're the lucky ones, lots of people would swap our lives for theirs. You sound like a stressed, lovely mum!!

I think you should see your GP. Her behavious sounds so extreme that I think she might benefit from some specialist help.

Oh, I see she is fine at school. That does make a difference.

NO, fgs, you're .... normal.

Nightowl - if you've got BBC3, Little Angels is just starting now - it's so useful, I've got so many tips on managing kid's behaviour from it. (It's usually on at around this time at least a couple of times a week on BBC3)

Aloha, I'm jealous - you are so lucky to have obviously not experienced (quite normal if a little alarming at times) tantrums like this! Please share your secrets!!!

No secret. I haven't done anything special, and I'm really not being smug, but no, I've never experienced behaviour like this.

Have you tried any of the suggestions ? has anything helped?

If not, perhaps you could contact your HV ?

I agree with aloha that this behaviour sounds on the extreme side - have you talked to your hv about it? I have two dds and neither has ever exhibited this kind of behaviour.

Oh I have. Not all this stuff and not all at the same time, but some of it - the tantrums, the attention seeking, the attempts to control via food. Just not altogether though.

I think she senses that you're scared of her and is revelling in her control. Long term, you need to get back that control and show her that you're in charge of your household and you can only do that by having the confidence to know that you can take control - but that means consistency and sticking to your guns and not giving in. Toddler taming, by Christopher Green, is good, and I can't recommend Little Angels highly enough. Supernanny's OK as well, but not as good as LA imo.

Re the not spending enough time with her - the way I've got round that, is by involving my DD in the jobs - she's got her own apron, her "girl knife" (as opposed to the grown up one) with which she can "cut" vegetables, she helps me cook the dinner, sweep up, etc. Yes it does take slightly longer than when you do it without their help (!) but it gets done, and you are spending time with them - my DD just loves feeling she's helping me.

nothing much to add really. yesterday i managed to get her to eat something. (demolished the highchair into something recognisable as a small table ). i would love to put her at our adult table with a booster chair but we dont have a dining room and no-where in the living room to put a table. she did however, scream at me for some homemade soup (i was having a cooking spree). the tantrums arent any better though..as i speak, she is wandering around whinging. she hit her brother twice in the last 15 mins because he tried to help her take her coat off and tried to help her on the sofa!! she puts her arms up to be helped but then doesnt like it when we do. oh and now shes just hit me too. sigh.

Nighthowl, if you want her to look at you, keep asking, the one that lasts the longer is the one who wins . Beware then of the consequences on not winning the battle. If you say "no" 50 times and at the end give up, she will asume that she only needs to increase the bad behaviour until you give in.

In terms of food... that's a though one, you can teach a child to stay at the table but it's almost impossible to force them to eat. But I believe that if you limit the snacks between meals she may feel the need to eat as otherwise she will get hungry before the next meal arrives.

Don't worry about the dining table, as long as meal times involve you all and everybody eats together. It doesn't matter too much if you are on settee and DD at her little table. Perhaps sit it beside settee and share it. My 2 used a table and 2 chair set from Ikea a lot as most of the time table was (and still is) covered in junk . I have table squeezed into the living room and manage to keep one side clear for them to eat at DH and I sit on settee . I like the kids at the table as it reduces the mess , its just they are 2 big for the little table now.

Just keep at it. . Don't worry she is perfectly normal, some just scream more than others and you've both just feel into certain patterns of behaviour. No need to send her to a Borstal yet .

Fell that is not feel.

just wanted to express sympathy as I am a single mum too and my dd, 2.6, is going through a horrible phase of being aggressive with other kids.
I have taken to putting her in 'a quiet room' when she is violent or aggressive. Only for a couple of minutes (she is only 2.6), then I let her out. Since I have been doing this consistently (ie, EVERY time she acts up) I have noticed some improvement.
I also think that in your case, your girl is only 21 months, and can't talk much yet, might be frustrated because she wants to communicate - she may tantrum less once she starts talking more. I have seen this happen with other kids. My friend's child was a terror but really improved once she got talking some more.