Does this behaviour need "clamping down on?"

[CrapBag]

At my GPs today. My step grandad 'had a word with me' about DS's (just turned 3) behaviour last time I was there.

Apparently, when I was in the kitchen, DS was in the living room with my step grandad and he asked him to take a cup out to the kitchen. DS said "No". My step grandad is someone who believes that all children muct immediately obey every order without question and I think he forgets that sometimes toddlers are still young and learning.

He said he asked him again and was getting annoyed, DS said no a couple more times and sulked in the corner for a bit. When step grandad persisted (which is what I would have done) DS done it and gave him 'a look' as he done it and stomped off with the cup into the kitchen. I actually laughed at the image of DS stomping off like a stroppy teen and I was told very firmly that "it isn't funny". I was then told that this sort of behaviour needs to be clamped down on and I should not allow it to continue otherwise I am going to have real problems.

I pointed out that I never let DS get away with saying no to me and I am firm with him (which my step grandad knows). I also pointed out to my step grandad that he needs to remember that DS is only young (I do think he expects far too much from young children, he brought me up and I know how he can be) to which he replied that I need to remember that too . Unfortunately we were interruped by the phone and a visitor so we never finished the conversation but I pointed out that DS is very well behaved and he has no problem helping me out. This was unusual for him and he will often just get things and take them out into the kitchen without being asked.

I don't feel that it needs 'clamping down on'. I don't let him get away with things. I am actually pretty strict and DS is a well mannered and well behaved child but I am also realistic and know that I cannot possibly expect perfect behaviour all the time. DS has been extremely well behaved for weeks now and it annoys me that any little negative thing is being picked up on and my parenting being questioned.

Should I be doing something that I am not doing or is my step grandad overreacting and expecting too much from a toddler?

This is the same man who before when DS was much younger and screaming during a nappy change turned to my nan and said "none of mine ever screamed like that when having their nappy done, did yours?" as if his children had never done anything like this.

I think your last paragraph says it all - we forget. Mine are only 3 and 1 and I've already forgotten how hideously hard a newborn is, so imagine how much you've forgotten by the time you get to be a grandparent!

Sounds like you're doing fine, sounds like your son is entirely normal (and actually very well behaved!), and you explained yourself to step-grandad very clearly and unemotionally. If his expectations are different to yours for whatever reason then so be it. When he offers his 2p worth in the future just nod and agree and then quietly ignore him.

Yes he is overreacting and expecting too much. I would actually be a bit worried about a completely compliant 3 year old - he's supposed to push boundaries and have his own motivations. If he didn't he'd be some kind of robot!!

My MIL used to act as if my then 2 year old's tantrums were the strangest, most abnormal behaviour she'd ever seen. She claimed that she'd never seen other children acting like that (typical lying on the floor screaming tantrum, nothing out of the ordinary). It was absolute nonsense of course: I remember only too well that my niece (her eldest grandchild) was a terrible one for tantrums at the same age. With my MIL it suited her agenda to try and make out that my DD was displaying some sort of deviant behaviour, MIL hadn't really bonded with her and needed an excuse for this I think.

He dealt with the refusal there and then, persisted until your DS did what he was asked and the problem was over and done with. What else is there to do apart of course from praising him when he did comply? Am I right in thinking that step-grandad missed this last crucial part out?

I wouldn't feel the need to mention it again to your DS. All children try the boundaries occasionally. If they didn't how would they know where the boundaries were? He decided to see what he could get away with while you were out of the room. He found out. Job done.

Thanks.

I have had a word with my nan and asked her if she agrees with my step grandad. Luckily she reacted exactly how I thought she would and said that he really does expect too much and can overreact. Even his own 2 children say about how strict he was with them and his son is wayyy too soft with his DDs and I'm sure its because how strictly he was brought up.

The problem he had when DS finally did comply was because DS gave him "a look" and stomped off. That was what really got my step grandads back up. Personally I don't really see a problem with it. He done what he was asked to, I don't think it is necessary to do it with a smile on his face. What child does after being made to do something that they were initially refusing to do but was made to? I would have praised DS for doing what he was asked, when he did it but there is no way my step grandad would recognise that because he didn't comply instantly when asked.

When I was talking to my nan, she mentioned something about my step grandad not agreeing with me counting to 3 to give DS the chance to do what he has been asked, apparently he should just be doing it straight away, not given chances. I don't know of any parent who doesn't use this method tbh.

Reassuring to know that even on 'paper' my DS doesn't sound like a badly behaved child. I know he isn't. He is very well behaved and polite because I can be quite tough on him which is why it bugs me so much that this little thing is being made into far more than it is.

I will take lukes advice and smile, nod along whilst doing things my own way still.