Losing my mind

[ridingthewave]

I feel terrible. I?ve just returned from a playgroup where I spent the entire time trying to stop DS pushing and hitting other children (whilst also looking after DD 14mnths). When he does it I seperate him from the group for a few minutes and make him say sorry but it is a CONSTANT battle and I can?t leave him alone for a second. He?s 3 in the spring and this phase has been going on for about 6 months, and is worse in group situations when he doesn?t know many of the children. I feel like I can?t leave the house and am at the end of my tether. I?m very ashamed to say that we we got home he pushed DD over so I pushed him back. He fell over and looked really shocked. I feel terrible, like I very nearly lost it and wanted to show him how horrible it is to hurt others. I also told him how angry I was and that I didn't want to be near him. Of course I know my behaviour is unacceptable and not the right way to deal with it. I apologised straight away and we had a cuddle but am terrified I?ve broken his trust in me.

I?ve never done anything like this and am a calm and gentle person but feel like I don?t know what to do to help him behave better with other children. Should I give up the playgroup? Am I expecting to much? What have I done wrong? All the other children were playing beautifully and I felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking how awful DS is.

I feel like the worst mum in the world. Looking for any words of wisdom or comfort from anyone who?s been here....

You haven't done anything wrong. I think children are born the way they will be and we only have a VERY small but VERY significant chance of helping them change the more undesirable behaviours.
My DS, spent his first 4 years of his life running around like a lunatic, pushing, shoving and bouncing his way through life. Playgroup with him was not a nice relaxing time for me- I had to watch him like a hawk and I spent the majority of my time discipining him, and he spent many minutes at playgroup in time outs. I think as long as you are seen by the other mothers to be disciplining him and let them be aware that he has been punished in some way ( ie- a lecture and being removed from playing for a few minutes, no biscuit or whatever) then keep going, if YOU want to and if you get some sort of enjoyment from seeing other mums. My other DC's were never like this, they just were never inclined to be boisterous. It would never occur to them to do ANY of the stupid things one of my Ds's did. Playgroup with them is an entriley different experience, I get to chat with iother mums and KNOW that my dc's are playing joyfully causing no trouble.
I am not surprised you shoved your son- he had been difficult all morning and this was the last straw, and sometimes talking and discussing and persuading just doesn't cut the mustard. Before i get slayed- i am not a child beater- I am not advocating violence. I am just saying that some children don't respond as well as others to verbal threats. My 4 year old has never even had to have a time-out in her life, she just conforms naturally. My shoving pushing son and my last child have spend cumative HOURS in a time out. And my son has had a few wrist slaps for outrageous behaviour. All children are different and you never know, that shove may have surprised him enough to never push again!

Oh I fully sympathise with you and its so good to hear that other parents have problems like this. My DS (3yrs) spends most of his day pushing, shoving, hitting, pulling hair and occassionally biting my DD (4yrs). I find it very stressful and because my DS is so apologetic and cuddly, I find myself being too soft. I have just started the Supernanny technique of the naughty corner. This is day two and going well. DS doesnt like having time out but he has thought twice about his actions since. He is good at nursery, most of the time, but it does wear you down when they behave like this. My DD has a lot of tantrums at the moment too so its hard. Fingers crossed the shove gave him enough of a fright to get the message. Keep smiling. You have nothing to feel bad about!

I think you should leave the playgroup, maybe after a warning. Its annoying for you but if your spending the whole time telling him off its not fun for any of you.

Thank you Mumsnetters, feeling much better so much appreciated. On reflection I think part of my angst was wanting to be accepted by the playgoup women but feeling like I was making a terrible impression. Felt like I was back in the school playground trying to get in with the cool kids but wearing the wrong shoes (if you get my drift!). What a turmoil of emotions this motherhood lark is. I will let you know if DS has been shocked in to better behaviour, and whether I will ever recover from the guilt!!

I will have a look at the Supernanny idea and t think leaving after a warning is a sensible solution - at least that way it's nipped in the bud before there are too many casualties and my stress levels are lower.

Just hope this phase passes soon. I might change playgroups as the one I've been going to is full of uber-Mums and perfect children (my paranoia I know). I need one with many more difficult toddlers so we blend in better!!