DS won't stop pushing other kids - please help before I go mad

[berri]

DS turned 2 a few months ago, but has had a problem for about 6 months now with pushing other children over.

It's a constant occurance and I'm now at the end of my tether and thinking that it'd perhaps be easier for me just to stay in all day rather than have the constant apologising/telling off/feeling guilty etc etc which our morning and afternoon playgroups have now turned into.

He targets mainly younger children for some reason, I've never seen him do it to anyone bigger than him.

He doesn't do it as a reaction to anyone being in his way, or over a toy or anything like that - he just seems to spot a younger child, then go straight over to them and push them over.

Even if I'm right next to him this doesn't put him off, so I end up following him round like a hawk the entire time we're out of the house, while all the other mums sit and chat in the corner!

Some mums have (understandably) been rather shitty with me when I've not managed to prevent it happening in time - he's very quick and although I obviously apologise profusely and make DS apologise, I've had some rather nasty comments about where his behaviour must stem from.

We are a calm loving family and I'm a SAHM so try to give him as much attention as possible. I've tried a variety of different methods such as the naughty corner, over-praising when he is calm and good, and nothing at all seems to work.

As I said it's been going on for months now and I'm getting desperate. We're supposed to be going to a string of birthday parties in the next few weeks and I'm absolutely dreading it.

Please, if you've successfully managed behaviour like this in a toddler I'd love to hear your tips.

My DS was exactly like this (other than that he often targeted older children - ambitious!). I'm afraid I don't have a magic solution, I just consistently told him that we don't push, and would try to pre-empt where possible (easier said than done). If he did push other children, I'd remove him from the situation and make him sit with me for a while.

Tempting as it was, I didn't stop going to groups, although there was a long time when I didn't enjoy them as the level of supervision required was so high I couldn't relax and have a coffee even for a moment. Occasionally if his behaviour was really out of hand we left early.

It's not on for other parents to make comments as long as you are dealing with the behaviour. Just ignore it, if their children don't do this then that is down to luck, not parenting.

The phase passed with us very suddenly at about 2.2/3. DS is now, at 2.6, a delight when we go places and behaves beautifully.

I use the phrase "our hands are for helping not hurting" & although DD is not using her buggy any longer I sometimes take it to play group with me for time out if needed (she hates it)

She used to smack, so I would give her a warning & an apology to the child & mum & tell her if she used her hands to hurt again she would go in the buggy.

Don't stay in, as long as you are dealing with it then I don't understand mothers being shitty about it, it's the mums that manage to drink coffee & ignore their little darling's that make me feel a bit

Actually, TheSleepFairy's post has reminded me that for a couple of months I talked to DS about having "kind hands", and used to draw "kind hands" on to him (smiley faces). That was a fairly successful technique for a while - he did seem to understand that kind hands didn't push (however after a bit also used to try to lick them off so that he could push!). The novelty of kind hands did wear off, so not a permanent fix, but it helped for a few months.

Agree with SleepFairy - I used to take the buggy everywhere and strap DS in it for time out (after a warning first). Worked a treat!

Whatever you decide, you need to be consistent and the consequence of his actions needs to be instant. No point saying at 10am that you won't get pudding at tea time IYSWIM?

Good luck

addict my dh does your last comment & it drives me potty.

"right, your never having sweets ever again"

or his best one for our 8y old "your not going out all weekend now" when he is working all weekend leaving me home with 3 kids

At just two, tbh he's not entirely in control of what he's doing - I expect he doesn't understand the distress it causes, just that he wants to do it and then gets told off, which to him is unfair.

I think there's little more you can do than you are doing, but I second the buggy suggestion. And keep phrases short when explaining to him. Like "You hit/push, [point at buggy], you sit."

fwiw the mothers who drive me batty are the ones whose children hit/push/bite and then roll their eyes and say 'what can you do' or pretend not to notice, or say 'oh please jocasta darling let's not do that, good girl' and there's no telling off (important for other kids and adults to see this) and no apology. So ignore the people who are still sniffy after you've done that.

I feel your pain (see my 'losing my mind' post). It's so awful when you feel other mums are judging you, although I too can understand that they must feel protective of their babes. I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing but I remove DS from the group he's in for a minute or two. I used to give a few warnings but now don't as I can't stand the stress of waiting for him to do it again and hurting someone else. He will say sorry but seems to enjoy the attention so I'm not sure that's working!!

Having lost it today I'm not sure I'm the right person to give any useful advice, but hang in there as you're not alone!!

Thanks for your replies.

Good ideas there with the buggy & drawing on 'kind hands'.

I've been doing time out/naughty corner for 4 or 5 months now and although he sits there for the two minutes no problem, it doesn't seem to actually discourage him from doing it again.

I've also tried encouraging him to earn a choc button/sticker if he goes through the playgp without pushing but I really think he's too young to get the concept at the moment, I don't think he has the forethought to not push in return for a reward?

Maybe I'll use the buggy instead of a corner for time out and see if the restrictiveness of it makes a difference.

I just want to actually enjoy my limited time at home with him and with my other mum-mates at playgroups rather than leaving every day feeling angry, frustrated and upset.