Separation Anxiety at 3

[Junne]

My son is 3 and still suffers when I leave him. We started nursery in September but had a bad experience at a place where they were not helpful at all with dealing with his distress, telling him off and also telling me it was my fault as I had not left hime before (which I do, with his Gran 2 days aweek while I work). We moved to a new place which has been very supportive and he settled to some extent after me having stayed many whole sessions with him. Still he never did a whole session. Now, post xmas they are in a new room and it has started again and his little face drops as we enter and he gets really upset. It doesn't last too long, but still he is only lasting max 2 hours. What is worryying me more is that in the last couple of weeks,at good friends houses for playydates, he has become hysterical with me just going to the loo! It just seems we are going backward. I am not sure whether it's a bit of a control thing? I am at a loss what to do and wonder if we need professional advice? One thing is that he still goes to sleep with us in sight (although in the next room), I think this aspect had hindered him? Any ideas or anyone going through the same?

Hi there.

No advice I'm afraid but looking for some of my own!

My DD is 3 and has just started school nursery (we are in Scotland so prob the equivalent of pre-school in E and W) She seems to enjoy it and talks about it a lot but doesn't want us to leave her there. It is early days (this afternoon will be day 5) but I'm wondering how I'm going to get past this.

She has been very clingy with me for the last few months which is just great timing!

Day 1 we stayed with her as instructed, Day 2 Daddy left her and she cried for a while but then settled. Day 3 was Monday and I left her. She was quite upset but I left and they phoned me an hour later asking me to come and get her she wouldn't settle and was very upset. Yesterday she started crying as soon as she walked in so the teacher suggested I stay. For the first hour she wanted me right beside her but gradually went to play without me.

She is generally a timid shy child and she has never been left in a private nursery or creche before this which probably doesn't help.

Any advice??????

Sorry to hear u r having similar issues. I think it has to be viwed as something of a long game, I know with my son I stayed every session for about 7 sessions I think, because often it's a case of them becoming really familiar with their surroundings, and finding trust in their carers. At his current nursery they are very warm and this helps. once he was happy in his environment I then used a toy to help distract him when I left, he is obsessed with hoovers and I got him a toy henry hoover, which he thought was the nursery's and got this out one day and that was it, after that he was happy for me to go. That was last term and now with the new room I am at a loss on what to offer! I can recommend a book called 'The no cry separation anxiety solution' by Elizabeth pantley. In the first chapter it says that 'The origin of separation anxiety is love, so handling it should be done with care and respect' - this really helped me, because although it may seem a pain and very stressful, it does actually show your child is very secure and able to form a very strong emotional bond. When you consider it from an evolutionary survival viewpoint, back in cave man days, what is more useful than a strategy that keeps that capable 'big person' who looks after you nearby! Hope this helps. I am told things will get better and am sure they will, it's just time.

He will gain confidence and it will pass.
My granddaughter was exactly like that with her Mum when she was 3 years old - My daughter couldn't even go to the toilet without her daughter crying outside the door, even though her Dad or one of us were there.
My daughter didn't overreact to it and just accepted it, reassuring her daughter but being quite firm at the same time.
Its funny how children differ becaue my daughter's son never bothered at all whether she was there or not and would happily be left.