shy and seemingly friendless 5-year-old - have you been here?

[parakeet]

My 5-year-old girl started in Reception this year after doing the nursery year at the school. Around her family and close relatives she is happy and confident, but with children in her school-year she appears unable to make friends easily.

She has always been shier and clingier to me than other children her own age. While she has always been happy to go to school, in nursery she was almost friendless. She does appear to have grown more interested in other children since the nursery year, and has taken a real shine to one girl in Reception, who I've invited back to our house a couple of times. But it's hard to know how much it's reciprocated and we haven't had an invite back yet.

Today my daughter told me that she doesn't have anyone to play with, so she always plays on her own - and it nearly broke my heart! Can anyone who has been in this situation offer any advice? Thanks in advance for any replies.

My daugters the same, she will not approch people to play with them. This stemmed from pre-school. She had speech problems and the other kids couldnt understand her. She was more or less just left by herself. The click of girls from nursery then went onto the school. She made one friend in reception who left half way through the year and this knocked her confidence. She used to come in everynight and i would ask her who she had played with and i always got no one. I asked my daughter in juniors to spy on her and she said she just sits on a bench by herself eating and apple. I didnt know what to do, so i went to see the teacher and they paired her up but i dont know if this was the right thing to do as i dont want other kids being forced to play with her. Im not sure shes 6 now and i have the same problem.

My son was the same in Reception. I worried about it a lot - when he got home from school, he wld tell me he watched other people playing and then ran around on his own. Then a friend of mine said that he might want to do this - it;s hard for adults to contemplate not wanting to join in all the "fun", but when I questioned him more about it, as subtly as I could, it seemed that it was actually his choice and I was the one who was unhappy about it. He was painfully shy, terrified of playdates, wanting me to go with him. I persisted in inviting kids over to our house for playdates - a variety, not just the 1 kid he liked, he sometimes liked them, but mainly I think he was too tired after school. Anyway, it was a gradual process, not helped by him moving schools at the end of Reception, but now he is in Year 3, fits in perfectly and couldn't be happier. I think the important thing to remember is that sometimes kids choose to play alone and it's only us parents who hate the thought of it. Having said all that, there is no harm mentioning it to the teacher just to keep an eye on things - they can best judge if it is her choice or if she is being excluded.

Good luck!

It is worth mentioning it to the teachers, they might be able to tell you a bit more and keep an eye out. They may well have other children in the same situation and be able to steer them together a bit without seeming to.

My DS in Yr 2 will still play on his own quite happily as well as with others, I help in class sometimes and have watched out of the window at playtime sometimes when he doesn't know I'm looking. I do worry about him, , he hasn't got the best social skills to be honest, however it hasn't caused any problems that I know of to date, other than in my head and I think he is happy enough, which is the main thing. His social skill are certainly improving as he gets older too.

Would it be possible to start your DD on some sort of out of school activity where she would see other children from school regularly, maybe Rainbows, or some sort of sports?

Chrissie, that is very reassuring, thank you. I would be really interested to hear from anyone else who has been in this situation.

Thanks for the advice Ogre. I doubt I would be able to get her to go to something like Rainbows without me, although I have just managed her to persuade her to go to a generic sporty type club after school. I had to accompany her to the first lesson, she was doubtful, but seemed to like it and will now go without me, so that's encouraging.

I am wondering about suggesting she starts some kind of dance class, but am reluctant because this would be the third weekly activity she's signing up for (also does swimming) and I'm rather against too many clubs/activities. What does anyone think?

Well, my DS used to be very clingy to me, he was well into Year 1 before I could leave him at a birthday party for instance, that was about a year ago. Now he is much more confident. He did one of those multi sport after school clubs from half way through Yr R and loved it, I think it helped him a lot as it allowed him to make friends with children from the older classes who started to look out for him. He started Beavers a year ago I was expecting clinginess the first week but he just trotted in and joined in the game they were playing and turned round after 5 mins and told me "you can go home now Mum".

I think 3 activities a week is the maximum I will allow, both DS and DD (yrR) do three each, but one is on Saturdays, so only two on school nights.

Another thing he loves is After School Club (the one for childcare for working parents). Although he doesn't need to go to this because I don't work full days he goes every now and then and loves it, all the kids that go seem to love it and it is relaxing and in a smaller but mixed age group. Has your school got one of these?

It sounds as though you are doing the right things for your DD, hopefully her confidence will grow naturally, ,good luck!

My son is having some social probs, he is at nursery and is almost 4.
SENCO are observing him and he needs a bit of support to help him interact with other kids.
He is friendly and will say hello to anyone but is reluctant to spend much time with the other kids, he seems to prefer the adults and never seems unhappy.
I hope he improves, i know how it feels as a parent, it is awful to imagine your child not having anyone to play with.