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Separation anxiety and anxiety in general in 10 yr old DD - anyone??

7 replies

SerendipityAlways · 31/01/2011 09:26

DD is going through a tough time at present -for past week she's been very teary every morning before school, worried that I wont be there after school, afraid I'm going to have a crash and die, constantly looking for re-assurance that I will be OK, constantly checking that I will be outside the school gate when school finishes. (I always am!) Everything else in her life is fine, all OK on the home front, no recent traumas in her life. Seeems to be happy at school, top of her class, an overall great kid, and overall very mature for her age.

I hate seeing her so unhappy, and so worried. She has said things like "There's so many terrible things happening in the world, and people die every day, and I know you will too someday.." etc etc. She's very aware of whats happening in the world - the recession etc, we've not been affected too badly, jobs secure and all ok on the work front too. Its not this I think that worrying her - I've spoken to her about this and explained that Mum and Dad wont be losing their jobs and that she need not worry about this.

She seems very sad in her self, no smiles, just either crying or looking very serious. I am thinking of bringing her to a child counsellor, maybe talking it over with a neutral would do her good - she did go through a similar type of phase at aged 7/8, but I'm just worried that this has come back again at aged 10 and dont want it to overpower her. If anyone else has had a similar experiene I would be very interested in hearing from you, or if anyone has any professional advice to offer. Thanks.

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cornsilk · 31/01/2011 09:28

could she be starting to go through puberty and feeling more emotional?

SerendipityAlways · 31/01/2011 09:43

You know I think theres a grain of truth in that - she s physically a very tall child and is well developed for her age. The mood change could be hormonal but shes just so sad, its really upsetting..

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cornsilk · 31/01/2011 10:36

Sad poor dd

Kalypso · 31/01/2011 11:12

I don't know if this helps, but I went through exactly the same phase between the ages of 10 and 11. I don't think the fear of my mother dying faded to a "normal" level until I was getting on for age 14. I was also far more worried about my Mum than my Dad, possibly because I was with Mum much more, and was confident that Dad could take care of himself.

My parents used to drive once a week to a Tuesday evening poetry course when I was 10. My elder sister would look after me during that time. They would get back at 10pm, but sometimes a bit later, as they'd spend a bit of time chatting afterwards with other members of the course.

I remember being utterly terrified that they would be killed in a car crash. I recall crying as they left and being convinced that this was the last time I would see them. I remember getting quite obsessive about praying as they left, fearing that if I didn?t, they would definitely be killed. I couldn't relax at all while they were out (so there was no way I could go to bed, and watching TV and reading was also difficult), and as 10pm drew near I would become increasingly panicky. One time, my parents were about 40 minutes late. I broke down - I was frantically running around and around the house, sobbing. My poor sister had no idea what to do with me. I was utterly convinced they'd been killed and that at any moment a policeman would be knocking on the door to break the news to us. When they did turn up, it took me quite a while to calm down.

For a long time, I could not relax if my mum ever went out anywhere without me.

I also did quite well at school and was a perfectionist - perhaps your daughter is too, and is finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that your well-being is something that she can't actually control?

I did get over the separation anxiety by myself, although as an adult I have experienced bouts of anxiety/depression and wonder whether having talked to a counsellor as a child may have helped with this, as I would have learned coping strategies for excessive anxiety early on. As it was, my anxiety eventually focused on other things. Please note I'm not saying this is at all likely to happen to your daughter - I think what I'm trying to say is that I can't really see any drawbacks to taking your daughter to a counsellor.

Saying that, if it's only been going on a week, it might be worth trying out some of the methods on this website first, which explains the difference between normal separation anxiety and separation anxiety disorder:

helpguide.org/mental/separation_anxiety_causes_prevention_treatment.htm

It has lots of tips for dealing with separation anxiety and also explains when it could be a good idea to take your child to a counsellor (for example, if your daughter starts trying to avoid school).

I hope it works out for you, and I wish your daughter all the best. I really know how utterly terrifying that feeling is!

Sorry for the long post.

SerendipityAlways · 31/01/2011 12:06

Kalypso - I cant thank you enough for your extremely helpful and informative post - I am relieved to hear back from someone who totally understands the situation. Its interesting what you said about the "perfectionist" angle - she would be quite a perfectionist and tends to get very frustrated when she cant pick up things quickly, (for example when learning a new piece of music etc) she's also quite impatient and can be quite hard on herself. Poor lamb.

Saying that, I do feel that she needs to "get control" of the problem herself and devise coping mechanisms for during the day when I'm not there and she's feeling panicky. I will source a counseller, maybe have a talk with the school principal, (even though she scares me a bit!!) Thanks Kalypso!

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Aerobreaking · 31/01/2011 12:29

Like Kalypso, I was also very much like your DD as a child. I used to worry terribly that my parents would be killed in a car crash, I used to not go round to friends houses unless I could get dropped back by friend's parents as I would be too worried about my own parents coming to get me. My dad often got held up at work and I remember sobbing in my room when he was half an hour late - I found in a notebook years later where I had written Daddy, pleeeease come home soon. I remember it was really very distressing for me. I was incredibly worried that there was going to be a fire in our home in the night, used to get the fire alarms checked every week, used to practice my escape route(!) Worried about being kidnapped in the night, the list went on and on.

I was also a perfectionist, an intelligent but very sensitive child; I thought very deeply about things, and I used to watch the news everyday from a very young age which used to add to the fear. In infant school I remember after the shootings in Dunblaine being terrified that this would happen to me.

Unfortunately I can't say that this hasn't had an effect on me as I've grown up, I have had serious bouts of depression, anxiety and anorexia, all of which I think stem from worrying far too much and feeling so out of control. I think what can happen with sensitive children (certainly what happened with me) was that I had empathy and skills to feel terrible about things that were going on in the world, I could understand how awful pain must be - but I was not old or mature enough to be able to comprehend that things make the news becuase they are rare, that misery sells papers, that yes, it is extremely sad when people lose their parents but you can, and will, survive.

I think with your DD a lot of loving patience is what is needed (not saying you're not doing this already), a lot of reassurance - make sure she feels that you are not belittling her fears - they are very real to her and only maturity will help her in time. I think a Cognitive Behaviour Therapist may be helpful for her, to equip her with some techniques that she can use to stop herself from thinking in cycles of worry and distress. Also, if she is watching a lot of news/reading the papers perhaps try tto cut down on that.

From a neurophysiological level, if the levels of stress and concern stay extremely high for long periods of time (years) - particularly in adolescence, when so many structural brain changes are occuring - it follows that your DD may learn patterns of negative thinking that will accompany her into adulthood and will be very hard to break. I know this sounds doom and gloom but I really don't mean it to be, but I really empathise with your daughter and I would hate for her to go through what I have been through. I think it is very important to address this asap, by therapy, by gentle love and understanding, and as much fun as you can fit in.

On a more positive note, certainly for me, my sensitive side also provides me with some of the best parts of my personality, and has given me some of the attributes that I am most proud of in myself. I also acheived extremely well at school, was kind and caring and never really caused anyone at school or home any problems.

Finally - have you looked up about your daughter possibly being a Highly Sensitive Child? It's not a condition or disorder, just a set of personality traits that often arise together. It might be worth checking out.

Sorry for the mammoth post, feel free to message me if you want any more information.

SerendipityAlways · 31/01/2011 19:05

Aero - I've read and re read your post. You as a child sound just like my DD!! She's the type of child who never causes me any problems at school and is generally a "very good" responsible child. Shes the eldest and only daughter, which in itself I sometimes think brings added responsibilities, unintended or otherwise.
I can understand this somewhat being the eldest of 4 girls myself.

Since this mornings posts, I've contacted a childrens counsellor who's been recommended to me, and whom will meet with me and my DD early next week. I spoke to her by phone this pm: she was very re-assuring and said this type of insecurity and anxiety is very common in pre-pubescent girls. Like you, she also advised me to limit access to news on radio and TV. Your comments about being intelligent enough to empathise with tragedy etc but not being mature enough yet to understand it and realise that the world is not full of misery is resonating with me also! We both cant wait for our appointment next week as we want to put an end to her misery! Thanks from the bottom of my heart for your honest and re-assuring advice.

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