3 year old does not want to go out - HELP

[legaleagle21]

Hi

I really need some help.

My 3 year old son never wants to go out. He creates such a scene before he has to go anywhere. Talking shoes off, lying on the floor, refusing to get up, arching his back so we cant get him in the car seat.

Where we are going to is irrelevant the fuss is everytime he needs to leave the house.

He goes to nursery 3 days a week and the scene when he get there is mortifying. He lies of the floor screaming. I am then frazzled and upset all day in work.

However, I phone nursery and they tell me he is ok 20 minutes later.

Then I get to nursery to pick him up and he is playing happily and refuses to come home -we then go through the same scene of him lying on the floor screaming as I try to get his coat on. I have to carry him out while he is kicking and screaming. And he is heavy!!

He does this when going to his nans, the shops anywhere. Does not want to go, enjoys himself when there and then does not want to come home.

I REALLY REALLY need some help.

In all other ways he is a well behaved and pleasant little boy.

Wer have tried positive coaxing and pandering to him, naughty step, saying bye as if we are leaving him behind, even a smack but nothing has helped.

I am starting to get to the point when I think he might need to see someone about it.

I should add he has always been a bit like this but it has got much worse in the last 6 months. He is 3 years and 3 months.

Any suggestions???

Thanks
Yes it is transition

Start at least 5 minutes earlier. We are going to nursery in 5 minutes, you will need your coat and shoes on. Then give a 2 minute warning, then a 1 minute. Then go!
If he won't wear a coat remove him without it.

Also ask them at nursery to give him warnings of when it will be time to leave. Maybe you can give him 2 minutes there to get used to the idea of leaving? But do leave when you say you will, don't get involved in a long hat with a carer. Use a watch or a clock too, so its not just guess work on your part.

I used to have to use this to leave playgrounds with my DCs and it did work. Do find out from nursery if he copes with change there and how they flag the change from one activity to the next.

Good luck!

Thanks for the advice mummytime - unfortunately we have tried all the time warnings but it does not work.

He is a bright 3 year old but I dont think he has any concept of time.

I have had a look at the visual tiemtable stuff and it seems to be related to autism - do you think this behaviour would indicate autism?

His verbal skills are fantastic he is a really good talker and understands everything said to him. I dont think he has any communication difficulties.

Lots of kids can't cope with transitions at Infant school, and visual timetables are widely used. In this category come almost all ASD kids, but also plenty of NT ("normal") kids. (Please don't flame me for the n word.)

However most NT kids grown out with it, and learn to cope (maybe by 7 ish?). ASD kids may not, or may take a lot longer.

I would still recommend that you try clues. Its not about his sense of time, althouh you will be teaching him that, but also you builing in a routine that you follow everytime there is a transition. So it becomes a new routine.

Now what could happen is that the behaviour starts when you give the time limit. So you say 5 minutes until we leave, and the chaos starts to heppen then.

Another good thing to do is to reward him when he co-operates. So lots of attention when he is helpful "Thank you for putting your shoes on so nicely" and minimising the attention when he doesn't co-operate. If you can just carry him shoeless to the car, not speaking. Also don't ask him to do something, tell him to.

It is really hard.

My DS never made a fuss at Nursery until he noticed those who did got extra attention, so then he'd make a fuss as I left in the mornings. Just so he would be lifted up to the window to wave goodbye, and have extra time with the nursery workers. Once I worked this out I left him happily making a fuss, and just thought it was their problem that they had trained him to make a fuss.

Good luck!

Did you have a bad transition today? Can you talk us through it and we can suggest detailed ideas? Don't bother if it would make you feel worse to have us all chipping in.

A couple of examples.

Yesterday going to nursery - we were of to a flying start he got dressed without much fuss and then encouraged by his younger sister already being in the car he even got in the car fine.

On the way to nursery he tlked about how much he like Amanda (his key worker) chated happily about how he was in preschool and his sister was just a baby etc.

Anyway we got there he was reluctant to get out the car, as soon as we parked he started the 'I hate preschool' I am not getting out the car.

I appeased him by asking him if he wanted to pull his sisters wheely bag. He very happily pulled this.

I went to take him in his room and he went mad and ran of the other way. I told him ok we would take sis to her room first. He liked this and happily dropped off his sis. But then completly refused to go in his room.

I sat on the bench outside the room with him and he happily waved through the door at friends and said helo to the workers. I also ave him time warnings. After 5 minutes I had to physically lift him and take him. He was at this point going berserk. He then lay on the floor in the room shouting that he wanted me. ALL the other boys and girls were sat happily having breakfast.

I had to leave with him screaming and rolling on the floor.

A further example was today. I took him to ikea when we went past the creche I asked him if he wanted to go in. To my suprise he said yes. He went in, not exactly happily but just with his bottom lip out. Anyway I went to pick him up and was told he'd had a great time. But he totally refused to come out. In the end the workers had to let me in to carry him out. He then lay on the floor screaming that he did not like me.

Sorry so long. But I should pointout he is 3 stone and I have a bad back plus a 19 month old. So just lifting him up is v difficult.

Thanks

That's great, he can leave the house happily sometimes then.

Just wondering... You say this has all got a lot worse in the last six months. Was there a particular occasion when things seemed to change/ get worse? A holiday, illness, something?

Also, can you tell us a bit about how you feel when all of this is going on? You're going to work aren't you, how are you about that?

Also, what do nursery advise? They'll have seen lots and lots of this surely.

Just tell me to bugger off if all this digging is in the wrong direction.

DS2 was like this. Nightmare. Nursery, reception, fetching older brother from school, anything. All I can honestly say is keep calm, don't pander to it, give plenty of warnings, distract as much as you can and wait for him to grow out of it. But DS2 went through a phase of it in yr2 as well! It's normal, it's a phase, it passes. Eventually!

The nursery advises me just to go and that he settles down as soon as I go. But on probing them I can see he is very stubborn and sometimes he will willingly take part in activities like circle time but other times will refuse.

I find the morning routine of getting them out to nursery hard going. I am lucky in that my husband works flexitime so realising I was struggling he now mostly comes with me to drop them off. Although he still spends a long time in the bathroom so I still can often find it stressful trying to get his clothes on and get them in in the car.

I should point out that he is no better behaved for my dh or anyone else for that matter.

Nothing specifically triggered the behaviour it has just progressively got worse oversay the last 12 months.

Whilst I hate leaving him in the mornings when he is so upset.(dd happily goes into her room and runs to her key worker - all smiles). I can honestly say I am also getting to the stage of delaying going to pick them up - as after a day at work coping with the scene he makes usually on leaving nursery is awful. I have also taken to bribing him to come to the car by having sweets for him.

Thanks