Telling children about death of a relative

[13lucky]

Hi there, sorry I know this has been asked before but I need a few quick answers and I can't find the original thread so please bear with me.

My grandma passed away this morning and I'm trying to hold it together for the children but also aware I need to find the right words to explain to them. They are only 2.3 yo and 4.6 yo. Whilst they did she her loads - they probably visited every couple of months so were fairly close to her. I'm also worried about them saying things when we visit my grandfather and don't want to upset him further.

Please could anyone share advice.

Thank you.

I am so sorry for your loss. I have no expert advice I am afraid, but I am sure you will get lots of help here.

My 2yr old kind of understands the explanation we have used for bereavement which is that grandpa and the cat "have gone to the stars" which means we won't see them here anymore but we have memories and photos.

I am sure if you tell them grandpa is sad and needs hugs and smiles they will understand. I cant imagine they could say anything too awful. Kids usually make sad situations better in my experience.

I hope you find the strength to get through today. i am sure the presence of you and your kids will be positive for your grandpa.

Sorry i should add, we did say the cat had died and gone to the stars, not just use it as a euphemism. i think most guides suggest that is best practice and avoid things like "gone to sleep" in case they get scared they wont wake up.

My FIL died when DD1 was 3.5, and 3 weeks before we moved halfway round the world - not an easy time.

We told her that papa was very old and had been ill for a long time (so that she didn't worry that we were all going to die without warning). She understands that he is living in the stars, that he knows she's OK and what she's doing, and that she can speak to him any time. We often had quiet time at bedtime, once she was in bed, to tell papa what she had done that day etc. We also explained that people were sad because we loved papa and wouldn't see him again but he still knew what we were doing and saying. At the time I did some research and found out that at that age or thereabouts, kids need to know:
That people don't (normally) just drop dead - they have to be old and ill - otherwise they worry that it might happen to parents etc
That there is still a link via the stars etc so they can talk to that person if they need to - also look at photos, remember good times etc
That your loved one can't come back and is not sleeping (as sausage said) and that's why everyone is sad, because they miss them.

So sorry for your loss, it's even harder when you have to explain to little ones. Both my DDs know that they have 2 grandparents (my FIL and my DM) who love them from the stars. Kids normally handle this kind of thing much easier than you think they will.

Thank you sausagerolemodel and lollypolly. We used your advice and told them great grandma has died and we won't see her anymore and that she is up in the stars looking down on us...my ds (2.3) didn't get it at all, but my dd (4.6) is quite upset and keeps asking if she's going to die / daddy's going to die / grandad's going to die etc. We keep saying no and that it was because great grandma's body wasn't working properly anymore and that she was very old and very poorly...but dd's still worried about dying herself. She's gone to sleep now but am worrying about her.

Thanks for the advice though - I'm not sure what else we could have told her as wanted her to have the truth. Thanks for your help. She's a very sensitive soul anyway but I didn't think she'd really understand (thought she was too young - evidently not).

My son (nearly 4) always asks about my mum (who died when I was 15).

He asks where she is now and because I am not religious I say that she died and that now bits of her are in the air, bits of her are in the sea, in the trees in the leaves etc

I say, when he asks, that she was ill for a very long time - that is why she died. And I say that normally people would die when they were very old.

However - as the event was before my son was born - he is not upset, but is very obsessed with death it seems to me. He wakes up and says that he dreamed that I died and he had a new mummy - does not seem upset though.

He'll say things like 'will Aunty Dora die on my birthday?' and 'I'll be sad when Daddy dies'.

I feel like I've done something really wrong in being so frank when he asks where my mum is now.

On the one hand I'm pleased that he doesn't seem upset by the concept of death. But on the other he does seem a bit young to be thinking and talking about it so much ...

My son is like that Skewiff. We had a dog who died just before he was two and about 6 months later ds started talking about him again (he has a freakishly good memory but also may have seen some photos or something).

I told him pretty much exactly what you told your ds about your mum. He now talks about being dead a fair bit in games and so on and, I don't know, it just sounds a bit wrong coming from one so young.

I worry that I should have been more euphamistic but I did think I was doing the right thing being honest and was careful not to mention sleeping as I can understand how that could cause a fear of sleep. I'm not religious either so that approach wasn't appropriate for us.

I just hope he won't be seen as an odd little boy who runs around saying all the toys are dead! (He's not that obsessed, I just get a bit paranoid over how others may see him

Hello lecce,

I don't worry what other people think if ds. Just worry that I might have harmed him psychologically - not in a big way.

Its just - loosing my mum as a teenager - I have been paranoid about death ever since and really aware of my mortality.

I don't mind passing on the awareness of mortality to my son as I think that can be healthy, but I don't want to make him paranoid about the people he loves or himself dying.

Skewiff,

Having re-read my post following yours I realise it may seem I'm comparing my own experiences with ds with the loss of your mum. I'm so sorry if it reads that way, I have been thinking of this issue quite a bit lately and was so excited to read a post that seemed to chime with how I felt I think I over-looked the crucial bit . I am sorry you lost your mum at such a young age.

It really is a very difficult area to get right isn't it? I do know what you mean about fearing I have made ds over-aware of death. He asked the other day, "Why do some people get dead?" and as I stuttered on about being very old and too poorly for the doctors to help, I felt so inadequate as none of it seemed to be satisfactory.