my four year old won't play by himself

[nearlyfortymummy]

Hi I'm new to this but need some advice. My four year old preschooler doesn't play by himself. He only wants to watch TV or play on the computer. I do spend time with him setting up the games, making lego, putting up the knights castle etc and starting play but as soon as i move away he won't play anymore. We have moved house recently and he's also climbing into our bed more in the night, has started to "forget" to go to the loo in time and crapping himself a lot! I have older kids as well and can't remember this age being so tricky....any tips for any of it?

Sounds like he's just feeling unsettled about the move and wants your attention more in order to feel secure. So on the play issue, I'd give it - but also try to take him places where he'll meet new friends. On the toilet issue, I'd just deal with it calmly and without recrimination, and maybe do a sticker chart to reward him when he does go in time. I'd let the bed issue go for the time being and then tackle it when he is more settled.

it's hard not to get cross when he poos in his pants seeing as he'd been clean for nearly a year! he's goint to preschool so is meeting kids - any clue for how to encourage solo play?

I don't think you can do a lot to encourage solo imaginative play. If you want him to be more independent try messy/exploratory play like water, gloop, painting, chalks.

TBH you're probably best getting him to help you with what you're doing and really praise him for it. That will boost his confidence and help him to feel more settled. Probably the more he feels you want to get away from him the more he'll want to be with you for security.

yes he's definitely much more insecure since we moved. I'm just feeling guilty that i'm raising a computer addict. planned not to rely on the "japanese Babysitter" before i had kids and yet somehow we ended up letting them get used to the technology. i will try to be more laid back about it and hope that when he's more confident he'll play by himself more happily

My DS2 was like this, and still is to an extent. At 4, he would rather be playing in a group of people, preferably outside, or be watching TV, or playing a board game with me or DH. It used to cause extra stress because his older brother liked to be playing on his own a lot and hated being "bothered", and I wasn't used to a child who didn't really play on his own.

Now he is a very bright, friendly 7 year old and still doesn't play on his own (except on the Wii, which he would do all the time if I let him!!) But now he enjoys reading - that is one thing he will do by himself.

My advice - don't worry too much about TV, as long as it's balanced by lots of exercise. Try and get him to do something in the kitchen with you while you are getting on with things - drawing, playing with rice on a tray with some cars, and then try to devote some time to playing a game with him or reading with him. Even if it's a few minutes, apply yourself to it so he knows he has your full attention for that time.

But he'll probably grow out of the worst of it.

My DS2 also went through a pooing-himself stage when he started school nursery (nearly 4). Still don't know whether this was a regression, or he just was too caught up in what he was doing he'd forget. I used to have to be quite insistent at home, then I'd give him a chocolate button if he managed to get there in time.

If he wakes at the same time every night, you could try "waking to sleep" (look this term up on MN). Set your alarm for an hour before he normally wakes, then go into his room and rouse him enough so he rolls over/mumbles. This re-sets their sleep pattern. I did this with DS2 when he started waking last year. In my case he would wake at around midnight/1pm, and I went into his room at my bedtime (11ish) and roused him. It worked the first night I did it, and continued t work. I carried on doing it for a few weeks (although not sure that was necessary - a week may be all it needs)

HTH

MN guide to sleep problems

wake-to-sleep is mentioned in "early waking" section

Me again! - I said don't worry about the TV, but I do worry a lot about the computer. My DS who sounds a lot like yours has, I think, an addictive personality. DS1 can take it or leave it, but I have to be v strict with DS2. I think it just stops him wanting to do anything else.

wow i go off to feed kids and you guys are prolific - thanks for all the tips - waking to sleep looks interesting though i'm not sure i'm disciplined enough - plus he climbs into my bed when i'm asleep but his fidgeting eventually wakes me up - so i'm never sure how long he's been there! the point about addictive personalities is interesting. He goes on and on when he has a point to make - almost OCD and so different from my daughters who can be distracted more easily from whatever they're obsessing over. Wonder if its a boy thing - please I'm new what does DS etc stand for?!

Well I'm prolific

DS = Dear Son
DS1 = first son

There's an acronym list somewhere, look under the About Us tab at the top of the page.

I don't think it's necessarily a boy thing. I've got two boys and they are very different from each other. It throws you a bit though, when you think you know what you are doing and they throw you a curve ball..
Welcome to MN

Acronym list wasn't where I said, so I've linked it for you

just PSML'd myself reading the acronyms...hilarious - how have I done 11 years of motherhood without this site? thanks for your advice - off for glass or few of wine as it's Friday and DP is home

Having you tried putting on an audio book or music while he plays? It really helps my four-year-old play independently.