Talking about death.

[hmmSleep]

My daughter who turns 5 next month has suddenly become very interested in death, although she doesn't seem overly upset by the idea it is obviously playing on her mind and she's asking alot of questions. I guess it's just natural curiosity but I'm not entirely sure how to respond to some of her concerns/questions and was wondering how others have dealt with it. She has come out with comments/questions such as, 'why do we die?', 'will you die?'. 'I don't want to die.'.

I'm an atheist and personally don't believe in any kind of afterlife etc., but it felt a bit harsh to say well we die and that's it! I explained that some people believe in 'heaven' and others think when we die we're born again as something else. She seemed to quite like this explanation and decided I would come back as a beautiful butterfly.

Can't help feeling like I'm lying to her though, what have you said/will say to your children if the subject crops up?

I'm the same as you, don't believe in God or afterlife. I told DD, who was 4 at the time, that dying was just like falling aleep forever, and it happens when you are very, very old, and by then you don't mind because you want the rest.

She seems OK with this.

Since then my Great Uncle died, and my cousin told my DD that he had gone to Heaven, in the sky, which made me feel quite . DD then asked me all about Heaven, so I said that yes, some people believe this. She said "Do you believe it?" and I said that no, I didn't.

Again, she seemed quite happy with it.

my dd also 5 talks about death too, she talks about her great grandad dying, also various pets that we have had and died. so fari have exlpained to her that very old or very sick things die. so far she hasnt said she doesnt want to die, or anything about me dying which i am relieved about.

i have said that dead people/animals live in heaven, and she knows that most things get burried when it dies,she seems quite satisfied with that.

she does sometimes come out of the blue with things like ' i wish bruce didnt die (our old dog)', her memory must be beilliant cause he died over a year ago and she still remembers him all the time.

it does help that next to our family business where she comes on a daily basis, there is a slaughter house which always has dead animals in it and outside it. she just accepts that these animals were ill and had to die.

so far she is happy to accept what i have told her

It must be an age thing, Ds, 3yrs, role plays being a dead dog or some other random animal , but always says, 'Oh I'm alive again now.', obviously doesn't quite get it! Where as Dd has realised it's rather more permanent.

As an athiest - i too don't like filling my childrens heads with nonsense. I have told them that when we die, that is it, we are dead- BUT memories live forever, so Grandmas smile will always be there and conversations you have had will always live on- and also they can imagine what grandma( or whoever) would say, or do in situations.
When our chicken died DS seemed happy with the idea that he can remember her peckiing away and has said "everytime I see a slug, I think of Auntie Mabel ( the chicken) and then i don't feel sad".

containher the way you approached the subject of death with your DC and your DS's comments about Auntie Mabel the chicken just made me cry! Am currently 35 weeks pregnant so that's probably why but I think you explained it in the best possible way. I remember my mum saying similar things to me when I was concerned by death as a child.
I think it's a real cop out to offer heaven etc as an explanation if that's not what you believe yourself.

I had to explain around the same time to my son why he only has one grandparent (sadly two died before he was born and my Dad when he was two). I wouldn't say I do not believe in any sort of afterlife but I'm not happy with giving the religious view of God, heaven etc.

I told him that they died because they were very old and very tired, and sometimes very poorly, and it happens to everyone when they are very old. It is a sad thing as we miss them but for them it is not a bad thing as they are so tired. They then go up into the sky and can look down on us and see us, and they are looking down on him and love him very much.

This prompted lots of questions about why can't they come down to visit, can't we send them a message, can't we go in a spaceship and see them in the sky? I said I wish we could, I would love to see my Dad again, but once someone has died we can never see them again. He was quite upset by that and we had a lot of tears and questions about why (I think because we were talking about his grandparents rather than the idea of death). Eventually he accepted that although it is sad we can no longer see them they are watching over us and love us from far away. (really like heaven without mentioning the word!). To tell them they live on in our memories is lovely, but I couldn't say that as he has no memories of them.

He has asked about me and his Dad dying but accepts the answer that it will be years and years from now when we are very old.

Gosh we ask them to believe in the toothfairy and father christmas until they decide for themselves. Why not heaven?

I have no strong religious beliefs but am more than happy to say that someone has died and gone to heaven. I think it's more comforting than saying they've been buried in hole or burned and that's that. What's more I tell my DSs that if you loved that person then they are in your heart forever.

I am also really clear on why people die. They are either really really old or really really ill. That's that. I've found it covers pretty much all eventualities.

My son started talking and asking about death a lot after going to his best friend's 'Make a Wish' foundation party. I answered as best I could in the gist that everyone dies, but part of you lives on -- both as memories for others and our souls while explaining our general religious beliefs on them. I seem to be in a minority as I very much avoid saying death is something that happens to the very old or very sick (as it obviously doesn't just happen to them and I didn't want him too worried about his grandparents or his father and I as we all have disabilities and are 'sick' a lot). I mostly just say that part of living is eventually dying and he seemed happy with that.

Good point Garret. I hadn't considered people in your situation. Sorry.
But it's good to widen your perspective so thanks.