Please help. End of tether with unhappy 5 year old

[ILoveGregoryHouse]

Hoping someone can make some suggestions here. My DS2 is 5, nearly 6 and is very unhappy I think. He is the middle of three boys and I have a new baby girl, who he loves to bits. DS1 is bossy toward him and DS3 is only 2.5 and quite a headstrong toddler and they fight a lot. Trouble is DS3 seems more mature than DS2 most of the time.

At school, DS2 has been having tantrums, shouting at teachers. Anything can trigger him off and he goes from being nice as pie to a screaming banshee in seconds. He's the same at home, he says no to getting changed, no to eating dinner, no to everything. He hates me, he hates DS3, he hates school, he hates our house (because we don't have a swimming pool ). The most worrying thing is he says he's stupid, weak, an idiot and he has said he's going to kill himself. I have NO IDEA where he gets these things from. He said just today that I said he wasn't clever - all that happened was that I told DS3 he was clever for building a lego house. DS2 just seems very jealous of DS3 and DS1 and hates anyone else doing what he wants to. Tantrum at school today was because another child got the answer to "eye spy" before he did.

As for school work, his reading is fine as is his writing. His spelling practices are all fine at home but on test at school, he's been known to write the words backwards deliberately.

At home, he takes ages to do anything, if he does it at all and i have to remind him several times to come to table, wash hands,clean teeth, put on pyjamas. He seems in a world of his own and resents being intruded upon sometimes but at other times is resentful of not being the centre of attention. I am confused. And when I get to the end of my tether, I shout - not good.

I'm very very worried he is going to make himself very unpopular at school, although he does have a tight circle of friends, and get into a vicious circle.

This is not a recent thing either, it's been since he was about 3 and I thought it was a phase, but it clearly isn't now. Please help me help him, I love him so much and I don't want him hurting any more.

Could you speak to the GP? There might be something causing his unhappiness; my son's just been assessed by a child development centre for similar behavioural stuff - tantrums and very resistant to doing anything (with him they think it is sensory processing issues). What do the school thnk about the tantrums?

Hi,
I would like to add my support here as I have a ds same age who sounds very similar in most ways (weird, that's the second time this week someone has posted about a clone of my dc!)I know it's really horrible to see them in so much emotional pain. Mine has the added worry of not being great at his school work, although he is really bright, great vocab, good at maths but not reading writing and spelling. His older sister (10)taunts him (her way of exerting a bit of control and expressing her jealousy) a lot although she can be sweet with him at times.
I have found it helpful to do separate activities with him, but have to be careful this doesn't increase dd's jealousy levels. It's a bit easier now she does some other activities and she'll be at secondary school in Sept. Find something he is good at and spend time doing it with him and give him lots of praise and attention.
My ds is definitely very sensitive to being tired or hungry. He is a high energy boy and his mood crashes suddenly - getting breakfast into him soon after he gets up seems to help, even if he is resistant. I try to have a morning routine which can't be argued with, and let him choose a fun activity or a bit of telly when he is completely ready for school (has to dress himself without a fuss, brush teeth, etc.)
Sitting down for meals is one of the hardest times, esp as DH has very low tolerance for noise, interruptions etc and ds plays up like crazy. You are right that shouting doesn't help but it is SO hard not to. You must be exhausted with 2 more dc than I have to cope with! I find I can sometimes get him out of his frequent strops by making him laugh, if I have the energy and the resources not to lose my rag.
Good luck!

PS mine does generally behave well at school, but is not very happy. :(

I have wondered about blood sugar issues. He's not exactly a hearty eater and had problems as a baby.

Teacher is concerned, mostly about the mood swings. She is very good, ds1 had her last year and i have every confidence in her. She has suggested we sit down with the head of the infant school to get a plan together. This will be for the second time since nursery.

I agree humour works too but i can't always gather my strength enough to always do that. Funnily enough, shouting works for a short period of time but then i worry about him emulating my behaviour. I feel such a failure with him - the screeching and wailing he does just makes me crazy and it's so hard to keep calm when he's set off his brothers and sister too (who likes to be carried by mummy 24/7, bless her).

Praise doesn't seem to work too well. If he can't do something straight away, he gives up and tells us he's stupid and can't do anything. It's difficult to find something he's good at that he'll stick with. Having said that, he's a good artist.

One to one he's a different child, i think this is very much about his relationships with others and how he compares himself unfavourably with others. This puzzles me as his daddy and i are very confident people. My mum isn't though and he spent a lot of time with her up to the age of three. I wonder if he's modelling her behaviour? Maybe i'm clutching at straws.