9 year old DS's behaviour is driving us up the wall

[jemimapotts]

It's probably a phase, I have been here before but I just needed to offload.
DS (9) is pushing all the boundaries at the moment. He swears at us, ignores any requests to get dressed, clean teeth etc. He is constantly winding his younger sister up and has been fighting his older brother.
He seems really angry all the time. We are due to move to a new area in a couple of weeks which is probably contributing and I am always giving him opportunities to talk about whether is making him sad/ angry/ unhappy. He just says he doesn't know why he's so cross.
We are moving to the new area to give the DC more freedom. Where we live now is built up, has alot of streetcrime, and we're moving near woods, fields, streams, hills etc. Longterm he will have far more freedom to play, roam than where we are now. He has a couple of close friends from school who he is obviously sad to be leaving.
This morning I got up very early to make the whole morning thing easier. We always end up shouting alot when we are in a hurry to get ready. DS was still obnoxious, calling me horrible names, refusing to wear uniform, clean his teeth. I stayed calm, and only shouted once which makes a change, and just left him to it, and he ended up changing into his uniform in the car.
I find it totally unacceptable to be sworn at,but have run out of sanctions, such as loss of pocket money, going to see his football team play.
He just seems to want to wind me up, and this makes me feel soooooo angry. Does anyone else have a DS like this, and if so how do you manage his behaviour without shouting or wanting to lash out?

Find what he really, really, really wants, and use it as a reward/sanction. I'm still trying to work out what my DS really wants to I can put this into practice.

All I can offer is empathy, unfortunately. (And if anyone swears near your DS, they need to cut it out. Presumably learnt at school?)

We never swear, apart from saying shit in a situation like a near miss when driving for example. He has got a friend with a big brother and has spent time at their house lately.
After writing my post it clarified to me that he's probably very angry about moving, although he is also very excited and has made a chart counting off the days. The trigger to move was caused by his older brother having troubles at school. It made us reevaluate whether we wanted them going to High school in the area. DS 2 is not stupid and is probably aware of this and may feel he's having to move because of DS1.

Thanks for your comments.

My DS2 - aged 9 also - is very temperamental at the moment and I seem to remember his older brother going through a similar stage although he might have been more like 10 when it kicked off.

DS2 can flip at the slightest thing - just asking him to do something he doesn't want to do can be enough!

We take away PS3 time, remove favourite games and ground him from playing out. It seems to work for the time of the sanction but once privileges are restored he can go off on one again!

I keep telling myself it's a phase - DS1 is now 12 and much easier to live with than he was at 9 & 10!

Thanks Nikki, my 11 year old went through a very tricky phase at 9 as well. He's ok now in general although he still has his moments.
Perhaps it's hormonal, or developmental. It's as though he wants to be in control, but also behave like an out of control toddler.
It's all very trying. I'm dreading going to pick him up, as I know he'll kick off again!

Are you sure that were you will be moving he won't be isolated? Is it really in the countryside and will you need a car to meet his friends, even the new one?

DS is nearly 10 and is like this too.
TBH he has always been like this, but it comes and goes in phases and it's a little worse at the moment. He definitely wants to be in control.

It's much better when he can be left to his own devices - like walking to/from school, having a kickabout on the park up the road or going swimming, etc with friends, etc. He needs loads of exercise - yes, like a dog, but we sadly don't get the obedience a dog would give

Ninani, we're moving to a small town which has lots of attractions for teen boys.
Tilly, am really hoping that the move will give him more chaces of being left to his own devices. He does want more control and walking to places on his own, playing in the park should help. Where we live now is a bit dodgy. The local park is pretty rough and I'm on tenterhooks when they go to the cornershop on their own. The shop had an armed robbery last week.
He gets lots of exercise but still seems angry.

That makes it tricky, but hopefully it will be better in your new place.

Do you think he is copying behaviour he sees from his peers. we get some of that from DS, including all the "street" language. We keep telling him that we don't want to hear it, save it for his friends if that's the way they speak to each other

Quite a few of my friends say their DS's (of this age) seem to be angry - I reckon it is an age/phase thing, but it doesn't make it ay easier to deal with!

we have been through a similar situation, we have an 11yr old boy whos hormones have kicked in ands moods are up and down and a 9 year old boy whos mood depends on how he has got gets up the day. He doesnt swear but his attitude to getting dress, eating and going to bed is somewhat tiresom.

we are also in process of moving to a rual location and the boys are unhappy to say the least but as parents we make the decisions which we think will make family life better and give them a better chance in life. we have just told t hem that their friends can still visit and stay. It hellps a little

We introduced a chart in our house which worked for both the boys. We gave them a bed time and if they were naughty they were told that tthey would not be told again and neither would we shout but 10 mins would removed from bedtime. If they were good they could make up bonus times. It works for us and after a bedtime of 6pm theyve been better and ive been less stressed

Good luck.

Tilly, you could be right about copying behaviour. He does tend to mimic other people he's friends with. Last year he had a very studious friend who he used to emulate. Sadly they are in different classes this year and don't seem to be friends anymore.

LT76-It's good to hear someone else with older DC is taking the plunge and moving. I sometimes feel we are doing the wrong thing moving away from some solid friendships. We are doing it to (hopefully) give them more freedom and autonomy. It sounds like you are very certain of your decision.

I am going to try your bedtime idea. Threatening them that they will go to bed before their younger sister often works. Also they are desperate for a Playstation, as currently the only console they own is a Wii. I was thinking of starting a chart with clear expectations of behaviour, where they can earn points towards a playstation.

It can be such hardwork at times this parenting malarkey.

Gosh LT76 - way to go!

I sometimes make DS miss some of his TV time (they can watch what they like within reason for an hour before bed), but only send him up to his room in extreme circumstances for Time Out really.

The points system sounds great too. We also ration electronic toy-time and withdraw it completely if necessary. Perhaps you could tell him that he will have to earn his time by meeting whatever targets you set, and that he can also lose time if he doesn't. Maybe in 10min blocks or something?

Actually, I might try that myself.....

Threatened bedtime 10 minutes earlier when he started being silly after football training. It worked a treat!!!

Thanks for your support.

Stick with that then Jemima, consistency is important. Talk to him, tell him you understand that it is an unsettling time and so on, but make clear that his behaviour is unacceptable and explain about losing 10minut blocks of time. Good luck!

We set the alarm early again this morning, and it gave me time to have a nice cuddle with DS in his bed. He talked to me about feeling scared in the night, scary dreams he has and feeling cross because we have a limited range of games consoles.
I told him he's very lovable, kind, handsome,fun to be with,, and that moving is going to be fantastic!

Result- he was much more compliant than he has been for a while. I'll try and keep it up!
Thanks again everyone!

Ahh I'm really pleased to hear that. We had a similar situation here, with moving, siblings and behaviour. DS1 is very smart, yet unable to verbalise feelings other than its "annoying" or "boring".

DS1, as a toddler, was a biter. The behavioural specialist at the GPs recommended I spend 10 minutes a day with him, on his own, doing his thing. 6 or 7 years on I still remind myself of this and do it, and it continues to work.

Focus on the positive, keep the mantra "it's
Just a phase" in your mind, and remind yourself of the old cliche 'they need the most love when they deserve it the least'.

Thanks Foxy. I think I sound insincere when I say all the positives, because he's been behaving like such an arse to me. However he hears the words and it makes him feel better.
I know he's probably feeling a bit neglected by us being distracted by all the practicalities of moving. As an adult it's hard to ignore the bad behaviour when you feel you are doing it all to give them a better life, and they are not being grateful.

Did your DC settle ok after the move? I'm steeling myself for the possibility a few months of very difficult behaviour while they settle in.

Yes, really well. First thing we did was find a new football club for him to play in. We also moved areas which was hard, but once the children are settled, it falls into place.

Dont forget moving is really stressful for you too, and you are allowed a bit of slack too!

It's funny you mention football, because leaving his team is causing him worry. It's so hard to get in a team, he maybe thinking he won't get in a new one. DH has already made contact with a team there who are going to give him a trial. No wonder he's acting up, all these hurdles children have to jump.

I'm pleased to hear your DC settled well.

You're right about the adult stress too. I'm avoiding all the packing by spending time on Mumsnet.

There was a waiting list for ours, Which I somehow managed to wangle! There are other local teams, so do check out whatelse is around. Have you taken your DCs to the new area for an explore? We moved 200 miles so they couldn't see the schools, but we did include them in the househunting which helped.

We also 'walked' around using Google Street view quite a lot!

It's only 20 miles away, so they've spent alot of time there, and know where the important things are like the toyshop, sweetshop, and milkshake bar. We went to the school christmas fair and they're all spending a few hours at the new school next week. I feel so nervous for them, but they're all lovely (most of the time), so should be fine.
They've looked around the new house and loved it. It's a great place to live, and they are near enough to have old friends to stay.
Your move sounds much more life changing being 200 miles away. You are brave.

Out of necessity as DH relocated. A big move, but a good one. I don't think you can do any more than you have already.

Except of course stop being distracted on here and crack on with your packing

Point taken. Must get on now. Thanks for the distraction.[smile}