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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Should a 4YO be commenting on skin colour and disability?

20 replies

mamadiva · 26/01/2011 10:44

A few days ago I was talking to a friend who has 2 dark skinned mixed-race children who my DS has been around regularly since he was about 6 weeks old and she had asked if he had asked anything about her DD and DS being different because of their skin, when I replied he had'nt she looked quite shocked and said he just does'nt seem to pay attention to his surroundings

Now there is also a girl at his nursery with an unformed hand which again he does'nt notice, should he be?

I genuinely thought it was a good thing that he has never thought about it enough to ask and just accepts that people are people regardless of colour or disability.

Now my friend has got me worried that he just does'nt pay enough attention and has been oblivious of it rather than just accepting of it.

I hope that makes some sort of sense but it is actually annoying me now as I don't really know anyone I would feel comfortable asking. :)

OP posts:

amberleaf · 26/01/2011 10:47

Sounds like your son is just taking people as he finds them?

I dont think you have anything to worry about.

cory · 26/01/2011 10:50

He sounds absolutely fine.

Why would he suddenly react about his friends' skin colour when he's been around them from a baby? It's the world as he knows it.

BluddyMoFo · 26/01/2011 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roundthehouses · 26/01/2011 10:53

My almost 4yr old ds hasn´t even made a comment about race or disability either. His cousin who is 1 yr older than him is only just starting to walk unaided and can´t use one of his hands very well (birth trauma) and he´s never commented. I am sure he notices but he just accepts it as being the way he is. He did say something about "the black one" on a cartoon once but he meant the one with the black hair which I do think shows how the very innocent things kids say can be so easily misinterpreted.

having said that maybe he IS just unobservant, has yet to make comments about fat or old people etc that I always hear stories about on here. Time will tell...

Bonsoir · 26/01/2011 10:55

My DD can tell you every single visible detail about the children around her - eye colour, hair colour, hair type, skin colour, who has which skills at school... Some children are very observant and others kind of go with the flow!

wannaBe · 26/01/2011 10:57

maybe he notices but just hasn't commented since they have been a part of his life for so long that he doesn't see it as an issue.

similarly the little girl is presumably well integrated into the nursery so he doesn't consider her to be that different.

I have been going into school since ds was in reception and it was only once the kids turned about 5/6 that the reality started to dawn that I can't see, and the implications of that. Even though I had from an early age taken in braille etc for them and was accompanied by a bloody great guide dog.

MarsLady · 26/01/2011 11:01

He'll ask soon enough. I remember when my DS1 (now 18) first noticed black and white people. Still took him forever to work out that I was black lol! I was (still am) just Mummy.

They notice it as they notice more and more of the world. Nothing wrong with that. Only a problem when they discriminate.

I remember my friend's dd, having arrived home from a holiday in Kenya, asked me if I was this colour all over. When I said yes she then asked if I was always going to be this colour. lol

She's still one of my favourite children.

KickButtowski · 26/01/2011 11:31

I think they only start to comment on these things when it occurs to them that it is worth thinking about and commenting on.

I was amazed that dd never spoke about the fact that she is herself disabled, and nor did her twin brother - but it just wasn't an issue for them! Until they started school and it was a real point of difference and suddenly they started asking questions.

AnnieLobeseder · 26/01/2011 11:42

DD1 (5yp) was watching some African people in tribal dress on TV, and commented on how they all had very short hair, even the girls, and long flappy ears (those huge stretched pierced ears), but not one comment about the colour of their skin.

If children grow up in a multi-cultured environment, why would they really notice or comment on the differences they see every day?

I think your friend is being oversentisitive!

I remember having a friend in year 1 or so who had a darker skin tone, and I thought it was so beautiful. I drew her in class, and coloured her in darker that the rest of my friends, because she was. She completely flipped ou, cried, called the teacher over, drew a picture of me and coloured me pitch black and flung it at me - I was absolutely baffled and bewildered about why she was so upset that I had picked up on her gorgeous darker skin.

Now I look back, I guess she came from a racist family, and had had it drilled into her even at that young age that to be dark was a terrible thing.

LaCerbiatta · 26/01/2011 11:48

I'm sure children notice, but they don't comment because they just accept it, take it as it is.

Dd is 5 and she never commented on the fact that my father has no hands (war accident). She's obviously noticed it, once she said something about a cartoon having hands like grandpa's (when he has the prostetics on), but she never made a direct comment.

I think your friend is looking for trouble!

UniS · 26/01/2011 19:05

Ds noticed at 4 that he and his cousins had different skin colour. I think only because it was summer and the boys were running about top less. Actually- it was more that he noticed that he and Cousin A have SAME skin colour while cousin B & C have different. And of course he had cousin A need one Sun screen while Cousins B & C use a different one.

CMOTdibbler · 26/01/2011 19:15

I think that its not that children don't notice things, its that they don't feel the need to comment on it. Fr'instance, my 4 year olds only comment on the fact that his cousins boyfriend is profoundly deaf is why doesn't x have a hearing dog (after we'd seen a demo of them working).

And he has commented on Cerrie on CBeebies, but only to tell me that she does things like I do now (having lost the use of one hand recently)

ninani · 27/01/2011 09:46

My son said boys were making fun of his colour at school about being ..dark. I was shocked because he is not dark and the other boys are darker AND SO YOUNG! They were actually using a word that implies racism which makes me think that at this age they must have heard it from their family and friends! Unfortunately children do pick up what they hear but I am disgusted because this is a predominantly minorities school so their families should have been more careful at addressing such issues. But it seems like there is always a pyramid:
whites
asian/chinese (who goes above actually?)
black

Of course Eastern european and other people hear a lot as well but this was only an example that I used.

And everyone like to hate the ones below them.

And to make sure that son does NOT discriminate children at school because of their colour, I have asked him many times about the colour of his friends. The funny thing is that there are not poeple with white skin according to him! And that's true, nobody is actually "white"! And nobody is black either :)

ppeatfruit · 27/01/2011 11:28

Very sad ninani but as you say it's the hatred of the adults that is picked up; i have always taught my own DCs who are not haters; that it is INSIDE the person that matters.

Davsmum · 27/01/2011 12:05

Theres nothing wrong with your son.
Some children at 4 yrs notice differences - others don't.
Some notice but don't comment because its not important to them.
It doesn't mean he is not paying attention - I am sure if your friend's children changed colour overnight - he would notice ! As it is - he has known them since he was a baby and just accepts them as they are !

Flowergarden1 · 27/01/2011 14:03

My son was born in inner London, very multi-cultural area, and at age two started to notice and comment on people's skin colours just because he thought it was very interesting, along with the different clothes they wore, different languages they spoke. He had a black childminder and at about two and a half informed her very seriously that she was a brown lady and she hadn't got a willy. She thought it was hilarious! He's also recently (now four years old) started to ask me why Carrie on CBeebies hasn't got a hand.

Karoleann · 27/01/2011 16:36

DS1 (4.5) hasn't noticed that Keri has only half an arm yet either and has never mentioned anyone's skin colour either. We're central london though so I'm sure people having different coloured skin is as normal to him as different coloured hair.
He did point out a very obese woman on the bus the other day and ask (loudly) if she had eaten too much chocolate!

Cazza72 · 27/01/2011 16:39

My DD (4.5) has never really noticed and passed any comment about anything like that. It is true what they say, children are colour blind in that respect - and prejudice is learned behavious and a reflection on their parents. The only thing she ever said to me was quite recently and about her new teacher when she was drawing a picture of her - she said 'Miss X has brown skin doesn't she and we are pink, but we are all exactly the same inside aren't we Mummy' ... out of the mouth of babes, many a true word ..

Blu · 27/01/2011 16:44

Mamadiva - have your friends children asked why YOUR child is 'different' I wonder? Have they said 'babydiva has pale skin, why is that?' Probably not.

Of course children notice all sorts of details, but I'm not sure why they would be any more likely to comment on different shades of skin tone than different hair colour or straightness of hair or pitch of voice or liking for broccoli. It doesn't mean your DS doesn't pay attention - if you asked him to draw a picture of him and his friends side by side he would probably colour in the skin colour according to the child in question, but doesn't see the need to comment or question.

mumbar · 27/01/2011 16:55

My DS notices I think just doesn't comment (yet!). He's 6.5yo. I also have gay friends (one set married with dc's) and he's never questioned or commented on it.

I know he notices becuase walking down my road once with friends DD's and a 'black' man walked past talking on his mobile in his native tongue. The girls looked and burst out laughing when he's past. After commenting on him my DS said 'well he's probably from a different county' with a 'der' tone of voice.

Mamadiva I would be proud of your son he sounds lovely and accepting. It sounds like your friend may have an issue though.

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