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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Nearly 5 and difficult at school

20 replies

IntergalacticHussy · 26/01/2011 09:36

dd is having problems settling into her reception class. I'm the first to admit her behaviour can be very challenging; she's wilful, argumentative and loud. She has pushed and pulled other kids about in front of me in the playground (sometimes in a friendly way, not realising this will put them off her, and sometimes not) and continues to do so in class. On the other hand she's bright, sweet and so lovely i want to cry. I can't believe she's the same child sometimes.

every week since this term began there's been something her teacher has to pull me over and talk about; shouting in people's faces, talking back in class, pushing another child (although dd swears it was an accident). I'm starting to dread pickup time.

However, i know it's not all one way; last week apparently another child was pulling on her tie, which i felt was pretty dangerous (not happy they have to wear them anyway, but that's another thread). I spoke to her teacher, who didn't even ask me who it was and just said that there was a group of girls in the class all battling for queen bee. I pointed out that what this child had done was physically dangerous, and should be treated differently from squabbling, but nothing came of it. So this child has done something which i feel is quite serious and her parents won't even know about it.

Since September, dd has been coming home saying that one particular child has hit her or more recently told her to shut up/ go away/ that she's not her friend etc. I have been telling her to go to the teacher when this happens, but apparently dd gets told not to tell tales

Doesn't seem to work that way when the boot's on the other foot, I worry that dd is being unfairly labelled and that other children's behaviour is being overlooked.

So all this doesn't seem exactly balanced to me, but maybe i'm being PFB? I've told the teacher dh and i would like a meeting to discuss dd's behaviour in the next week...

OP posts:

Original poster

IntergalacticHussy · 26/01/2011 09:45

any advice appreciated

OP posts:

MyrrhyBS · 26/01/2011 09:49

It doesn't seem right, no. A meeting with the teacher sounds like a good idea. Make notes of everything you want to discuss before you go in, so you can make sure you've got them "ticked" before the end of the meeting.

My DS has Asperger Syndrome (not saying your DD has) and the school uses social stories to explain to him how to behave. They're really useful!

He also has a behaviour book and the teacher writes in it if there's a problem, and will sometimes ask for advice, which means there is a two way dialogue. This has been incredibly helpful too! DS runs in excitedly and shows us if she's written that he's had a good day!

Original poster

IntergalacticHussy · 26/01/2011 09:59

thanks MyrrhyBS, the list sounds like a particularly good idea as my mind usually goes blank when i have to talk to authority figures.

I wouldn't rule out some kind of AS although i know she's probably too young for any diagnosis

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Marne · 26/01/2011 10:02

Hi, i would speak to the teacher, when dd1 started school there was a little girl in her class (youngest in the class) who was pushing and being rough with dd1 by the time she was in year 1 she had change completely and is now really kind and caring. Your dd is still very young, socializing is hard at this age. My dd1 is in year 2, she has Aspergers and sometimes struggles with the social side of things but she is getting there (has lots of friends and enjoys school). Sometimes it just takes time.

MyrrhyBS · 26/01/2011 10:03

Well, she's not necessarily too young for diagnosis, as DS was diagnosed at 5, but be aware that girls with AS can learn to hide social difficulties, and should not necessarily be measured against the same criteria as used for boys (speaking as someone with AS myself, who was dx'd only 2 years ago).

Marne · 26/01/2011 10:05

Dd1 was diagnosed at 4.5 and dd2 was 3 (not too early) but as Myrrhy said 'girls tend to hide social difficulties' (my dd1 has started doing this).

Original poster

IntergalacticHussy · 26/01/2011 10:20

wow, i did not know that. I always assumed you had to wait until they were 7 or 8.

how do girls manage to hide AS?

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Marne · 26/01/2011 10:28

Girls are naturaly more sociable than boys, AS girls learn to adjust to fit in with other girls, dd1 sometimes has to grit her teathe to fit in with her friends (she used to just cry if she disagreed with something but now knows she has to put up with it if she wants to be a part of the group), it has taken her a long time to start doing this and she will still walk away and play by herself if she can't hide her feelings.

Dd1 was referred to our loccal paed at the age of 2 because she had problems with anxiety and phobias (as well as other things), AS was mentioned straight away so we knew from early on that she had it (she fit the bill), it just took a while to get her diagnossed as they like to take their time when they are so young.

Original poster

IntergalacticHussy · 26/01/2011 10:40

'She used to cry if she disagreed with something' this sounds familiar, in dd's case it's shouting whenever she disagrees.

She has always been 'different' but we just assumed it was her being precocious (walking v early, talking early etc) but i have always had a nagging doubt...

i suppose i'm reluctant to put a label on her, but if it helps her in the long run...

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Marne · 26/01/2011 10:44

dd does the shouting, i get it alot at home if i say the wrong thing too her (like its the end of the world).

Dd1 was talking very early and now she never shuts up (will talk about anything and everything).

Dd1 knows she has Aspergers, this has helped her to understand why she is like she is, the school have been very helpful and know how to calm her down when she gets upset (about something tiny).

Original poster

IntergalacticHussy · 26/01/2011 10:50

thanks Marne, it's a relief to find there might be an explanation for all this. That's exactly what it's like with her too, as if the world will end over her having to put some toys away. I'm never sure how much of it is tiredness or her age.

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MyrrhyBS · 26/01/2011 11:05

I've learned to mimic other people's behaviour, and to listen when I'm told something. For example, I was in my teens when I was told "if you don't make eye contact, then people will think you're a liar". It was only when I was formally assessed for AS, the Dr said "did you know that you stare when you make eye contact, most people will look away every now and again". And so I'd learned something, and quite simply for the rest of that assessment, I couldn't HELP looking away as I talked!

Original poster

IntergalacticHussy · 27/01/2011 10:02

That's so odd, I don't know if i might be undiagnosed AS myself, hearing about your experiences. I can never work out the right level of eye contact. I just try not to think about it these days, I suppose. I don't know where the line is between just social awkwardness and AS... I wonder if anyone does?

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MyrrhyBS · 27/01/2011 10:29

I hadn't a clue that I was, I'd sort of got used to being different and to be honest I thought the reason I hadn't got many friends was because I was simply not likeable.

Even when I heard the school describing why they thought DS was on the spectrum, it still didn't click. It was only when the paediatrician described and explained the diagnosis to me that it hit me "this is me she's describing".

If you're interested in knowing more, I recommend the Wrong Planet website. When you register, you can register as "I think I might be on the spectrum", and it sort of progressed from there. I don't go there much anymore, but it helped me make up my own mind about whether a diagnosis would be beneficial for me.

ppeatfruit · 27/01/2011 10:40

i saw a fascinating prog on T.V. about a mum with 2DCs with asp. she discovered that they were SOO much better when wheat was removed from their diet.

MyrrhyBS · 27/01/2011 10:47

Funnily enough, I'm being investigated for gluten intolerance, and I felt a lot better when I cut wheat out from my diet. Its not easy though, particularly if you have taste/texture sensitivity regarding food. And its expensive!

ppeatfruit · 27/01/2011 11:04

yes Myrrh. It's in almost everything you buy! the mum in the prog. said her Dcs were so addicted that they licked the wallpaper cos there was gluten in the glue used!!

MyrrhyBS · 27/01/2011 11:05

Damn, I don't have any wallpaper...

ppeatfruit · 27/01/2011 11:11

My dh is a diff person when just off wheat it makes him exhausted, depressed etc. we buy the rye bread from waitrose and make our own with kamut and rice flour.

woofie · 27/01/2011 22:28

Interesting thread... Just for comparison, my ds1 is the same age and has just started primary. Although he seems v happy there and is interested in other children, he just doesn't know how to initiate play. Hence he's come home a few times saying x told me to go away when I was chasing him and he doesn't want to be my friend... Hard to hear as a parent, even though he does seem to be making some friends.

Anyway, we had an initial paediatric assessment for AS yesterday... Doc agreed that he's borderline, and we have a follow up and poss ADOS assessment in May. It was a great relief to talk to a professional about my niggling concerns- i'd been putting it off as he's no struggling per se- no real behavioural issues. But I don't think his social interaction is typical.

Ds also ahead in some areas- reading before 3 etc

didn't mean to hijack, but I thought your description of your dd resonated. Would it be worth having a chat with your GP? Mine was great and took by ramblings seriously enough to refer.

Interesting to read about your late diagnosis, myrrhy. I suspect that I have a family history and the more I find out about AS, the more I recognise traits in myself too.

I'm going to google social stories!

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