4.5 year old DD ignoring adults

[rumpeta]

My DD has always been a bit reticent around adults, she was like it for most of her time at nursery, refusing to say good morning etc but now she is ignoring teachers and staff in her reception class (she started in January) she also often ignores us at home too. It is frustrating and makes her come across as rude, also at nursery and school, teachers are not aware of what she is capable of as she wont answer questions. She's a little on the shy side but I think it's more a matter of control and habit. She's actually very articulate and enthusiastic when she gets going but likes it all on her terms. She's also a bit of a perfectionist so shy to try if she thinks she will get it wrong. Any ideas?

Have you had her hearing checked? Could be something like glue ear.

I think it's a bad habit to allow them to get into - you are aware it comes across as rude so why have you let her do it? Why didn't you pull her up on it long before now? I'm interested in your answer... not 'telling you off'.

I would sit her down and explain to her that it is rude to ignore people when they talk to you and tell her that now she is a big girl you don't want to see or hear about her doing it anymore - if someone talks to her she is to answer them. Then make sure she does.

If she ignores you at home, pick her up/take her by the hand (without repeating yourself) and put her somewhere boring (hallway/utility), this is much more effective than keep repeating yourself.

Talk to her Teacher and ask for their co-operation as well.

Allowing her to continue doing this wouldn't do her any favours at all.

You may just have a very stubborn child who has got into a habit but I would raise this with the teachers and possibly ask for a referral to speech and language therapy. You've described to a tee some of the children I've worked with who are selective/elective mute.

You're right Chipping, I am aware it's rude and have tried many times to get her to break the habit - often it's in situation, e.g. school gates and I will ask her to respond to teacher etc but it becomes a bit of a stand-off. At home I constantly try to explain to her that it's rude and will insist on a response. Have tried stickers for answering, and am now thinking of some sort of mark for not answering that means treats are taken away? Thanks for the concern from others re hearing but I think she can hear perfectly well and will articulate, respond clearly when she wants to. I think I've perhaps been kidding myself it's shyness; there is an element of that to it but... Panda do you know why some children elect not to speak?

Do check her hearing.. it's easy,painless and free! My DS was like that in reception and year 1, and I decided to do one- he had bad case of glue ear. Grommets fitted and problem sorted..
And yet I didnt think he had a hearing problem...

There are a number of reasons Rumpeta. Sometimes it appears that it can be a control thing which gets out of hand and just escalates, sometimes children appear to have a fear of: speaking outside of the home / speaking in public places / their own voices - a social anxiety of some kind. Rarely it can be because of trauma, for others it appears it is something akin to stammering.

It can be really tricky to sort out but it is possible to change the behaviour. But if you think it is becoming this serious then a speech and language therapist is what you need.

This is my first post sorry got no advice but can def understand problem, ive got a son whos 4 in april (only child) and is extremely shy wont talk to teachers or adults wont even make eye contact, weve had hearing tests and are starting speach therepy for extra confindance, hes clever and does fine 121 but in large group not so good is very distrubtive and talks in babytalk, at home talks very well and has a large vocab. If hes approached by adults he will hide his face or freak out. ive tried lots of different things ignoring it or reassuring him but nothing has worked i dont want people thinking hes rude or naughty so had started being firm on this, i hope you find a solution (maybe its just time needed) anyway at least you not alone on this one.

Hello,

My son is 4 in March and sounds very similar. He is generally very happy, confident and extremely sociable. In shops and the library etc he will talk to adults and children and say lovely, friendly, polite things.

However ... at nursery he will also ignore the staff when they say 'hello' in the morning he does not reply. When they say goodbye at the end of the day he ignores them and even to some shouts 'you're not my friend'.

I have been stern with him and told him that it is rude and that people will not like him if he continues to act like that. I've tried all sorts of different angles.

Then I have tried to ignore it too.

Nothing seems to be working.

What I did notice was that over Christmas when he was out of nursery he became his beautiful self and very polite to everyone again - whereas once back in nursery he is like this to the staff and occasionally to people outside of nursery too.

I have no idea what it is all about, but being stern and strict has no effect. The reverse if any. And I know that my son does not have understanding or hearing problems.

No advice, but my DS is 4 in feb, and is so unpredicatable when he is spoken to.

Sometimes he is lovely and chatters away, other times he will actually growl

Very embarrassing.

He'll then say sorry- but do it again another time. Nothing works for us either.

yes my daughter growls sometimes too - in a sort of smiley, non threatening way - but still... I'm trying not to over-react as she only started school 3 weeks ago and it's a completely new set of kids from her old nursery, plus over half in the class have been there since sept... it's trying to strike the balance between reprimanding so that it doesn't become a stubborn habit, and not making such a deal of it that it becomes even more of an issue. Thanks for all the advice and reassurance.