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3.8yr old, very very difficult behaviour, feel like I can't cope and worrying about what is 'normal'...

37 replies

hazeyjane · 25/01/2011 13:12

Our 3.8 year old dd is very difficult to deal with at the moment. She is incredibly stubborn and has very set ways of doing things, but it is getting to a point where it is making it difficult to do simple things like getting to school or walking down the street.

Yesterday we had to meet her older sister being dropped off at the local leisure centre, but in order to do so we had to walk down the high street, she wanted to go a different way , which would have taken us in opposite direction. There was nothing I could do to budge her, she tipped the pushchair (with ds in) over, hit me and screamed like a banshee, eventually I called my dh who came and managed to get her in the car.

This morning I couldn't get her to leave the house for the school run, it was horrendous, and I ended up in tears dd1 was late, I kept dd2 at home. I am so worried that I seem to have no way of dealing with her, I have tried everything I can think of, but she just goes into a blind rage and is immovable.

I know that this is a difficult age, and I know that she has been unsettled by the arrival of her brother (6 months old), but I worry that this isn't 'normal' behaviour or a phase, and even if it is, I could really do with some advice on how best to deal with it. Also where is the best place to ask for advice on this sort of thing, the doctors? HealthVisitor?

Any words of advice or help would be very great. Thankyou.

OP posts:
giraffescantdirtydance · 01/02/2011 07:22

hope today goes well :)

littlebylittle · 01/02/2011 07:42

This happened to me when dd was similar age and had baby similar age. I can't put my finger on exactly when things got better, but it was gradually as things got settled after baby. She's now give and we get on fine. She still is stubborn at times but easy at others and I look forward to the end of school. Used to absolutely dread picking up from Pre school. Hang on in there.

Anushka · 01/02/2011 09:39

Hazeyjane I really feel for you. You need to remember that she probably does this because she can - you will unconditionally love her no matter what, if she did this to her friends they would fall out with her, so she takes it all out on you.

Be strong.

MosEisley · 01/02/2011 09:54

Hello OP, just a quick post as I have DS3 on my lap.

Just to say, you are not alone - my friend came over yesterday with her little two and we commiserated together on our wilful middle children (hers is 3.5, mine 2.5). These tantrum events are exhausting and we didn't find a good solution, but sometimes it feels like you're the only one (particularly if you're in a public place and she's screaming) - well you're not.

Will be watching your thread for tips.

I thought ContainHer's post was excellent.

notyummy · 01/02/2011 09:57

Great post from containher with a lot I agree with! OP - this does sound hard, and you have had a lot going on. We also had a difficult phase around this age, although less prolonged - but DD had less to be upset about (no house move/new Dc etc.) Similar to what containher described, it culminated one day with me picking up her from a cafe, where we were supposed to be having a special 'treat' lunch with my mum and dad,(after a number of warnings for her behaviour)and putting her under my arm and carrying her the length of the high street whilst she kicked and fought like a banshee. She was then bundled into the car seat and driven home to her least favourite lunch. Yes, you do need to pick your battles and offer choices - but when it comes down to it, there will be times when you have to show the ulimate consequences of bad behaviour - that you are in charge and she will not get her own way. Nearly 10 months later, this known to DD as 'the dreadful screaming day' (in hushed tones...) and she still occasionally reflects on it!

2babyblues · 01/02/2011 09:59

Hello,

I have a boy, just turned 4, and he is being a nightmare at the moment too! It is quite reassuring that you have written this thread and I hope that all the advice is helpful. I don't have much advice as I feel my son is a bit out of control sometimes and have started feeling really down. But I will keep an eye on this thread and hopefully it is reassuring to you that there are so many of us with the same problem. My older son seemed to be harder at 2 and then was so good by the time he was 4, I was kind of expecting the same this time! How wrong I was! I think jealousy must play a part as my son is far worse when my other son is around. He is also a complete angel at preschool and with the grandparents. He just seems to have blind rages where is lashing out by either hitting me or brother or wrecking his room. Mornings are particularly hard too and I have done the whole pyjama thing too!!! Getting him in the car is a pain too and he has undone his seat belt on occasion as well as chucked toys out of the window of the car!! I have tried time out (don't really get this as he won't stay still), removing toys/treats, nothing works, once he is in a rage he doesn't really back down. He and his brother fight nearly all the time too after school so I am looking forward to warmer weather when I can get them out in the garden (they never seem to fight in open spaces for some reason!!!).

lucilastic · 01/02/2011 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hazeyjane · 01/02/2011 16:27

Whilst I'm not glad that anyone is going through something similar to this, I am very grateful to all of you for letting me know that dd is not the only 3/4 year old acting like this, and I am not the only mother who is trying to find a way of dealing with it.

We have had a good day today (so far!), I have managed to diffuse 3 potential blow ups, once through distraction, once through giving a very clear choice of the options and once with the threat of no TV. Telling her she couldn't go to a friends didn't really work well because she wants to be home with me anyway and seeing other people is about the only way I am going to keep my sanity!

OP posts:
LeninGrad · 01/02/2011 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rowgtfc72 · 02/02/2011 21:09

Hello hazey.No advice to offer as dd 3.11 does all this on and off ,what works one week to diffuse situation doesnt work the next.For the last two months she has been an angel,before Christmas I could have given her away.Wanted you to know we all seem to be in the same boat and however horrible they are they still want and love their mummys(this keeps me going through the tough times !)Hang in there x

cutelybananas · 03/02/2011 01:46

wow indeed,lovin everything u said there.absolutely on the money,i have a daughter who sounds just the same,she is now nearly ten.at 7yrs old i was told she had 'odd',oppositional defisite disorder,basically she will challenge everything that is said to her,im not sure i believe in all this labelling lark tbh,but if i could label her i would say she had LIL SOD syndrom,n dont most kids challenge everything put to them?anyway,i have struggled through the bad times with the stubborn tantrums n outbursts,n i am fairly sane still.one of the biggest things to overcome first is not caring wot everyone else round u is thinking.we all initially feel we should justify our childrens behaviour to random strangers that we wil probably never see again,well ignore them,n concentrate on getting the message through that mummy means business n let her know u wont b backing down.i wont lie, its not easy to stay strong all of the time,and u wil begin to think that all u do is disapline and feel like the fun stuff has gone,but if u stick with it for a while it will b so worth it in the end,it is just a phase if its managed properly,but it is also a great test of the boundaries,which do need testing,n i believe the younger u get that one out the way the better.good luck n stay strong.

cutelybananas · 03/02/2011 01:50

sorry im new on here,i was meant to say lovin everything containher said..x

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